Bring Me Back

“Yes,” she answers sadly, twisting the wedding band on her finger. “I lost him in a car crash like you lost your Ben.” She gives me a sympathetic look. “Maybe that’s why I felt like I wanted to talk to you. Someone that actually knows what it feels like. My friends and family … they try, but they don’t know how I feel.”

I nod my head in understanding. “I know what you mean,” I agree. “It’s hard to lose someone that close to you and people … They feel bad about it, but they don’t get it because they’re not experiencing it. Humans are inherently selfish creatures, and unless it’s happening to them directly then it’s not real.”

She nods and snaps her fingers together. “Exactly.” She takes a sip of water. “Being in Group helps. It’s nice being around people who’ve been through the same thing.”

“Yeah,” I agree, “I think it’s helping me. I like it.” I shrug.

She smiles knowingly. “Is it Group that you like or a certain Group leader?” She waggles her brows.

I look away and my cheeks heat. I don’t know what to say because I don’t even know what I think.

“It’s okay,” she says, “you don’t have to say anything. The chemistry between the two of y

ou is enough to start a fire.”

I pale slightly. If Ivy’s noticed, how many other people have? I was naïve enough to believe it was something only the two of us felt.

“We don’t have chemistry,” I mumble, stirring the ice around in my water with the straw. “Ben and I … we had chemistry.”

Ivy tilts her head to the side. “So you think you can’t have chemistry with anyone else?”

My lips purse. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

“It’s a complicated feeling and I understand completely,” she tells me. “There’s a man at my work that I really like, but there’s all these doubts and hang-ups because I’m afraid it’s too soon, or he won’t measure up to Gregory, my husband. And the fact of the matter is, no one will measure up to him. You can’t compare people. We’re all different and that’s a beautiful thing. You can never replace someone for that very reason. There’s only one Gregory and one Ben” she waves her hand at me “—but that doesn’t mean there’s not a new person out there, waiting for the both of us.”

I ponder over her words. I don’t really know what to say, but they make sense. The problem is I’m still grieving, and as much as my feelings for Ryder are growing, it doesn’t seem fair to give him a chance until I’m over this hurdle.

I need to accept Ben’s death, and I’m just not there yet.

“I’m sorry,” Ivy says with a wince. “I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent like that or to sound preachy. I think I was saying that to myself more than you,” she rambles.

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “I understand where you’re coming from. You should ask that guy out at your work. And maybe one day I’ll ask Ryder out, but I need more time.”

“They say time heals all wounds,” she muses over the saying, “but I think it only stitches the wound and we do the rest of the work ourselves. You can’t heal until you’re ready.”

The waiter brings our food and we move on to safer topics. I find out that Ivy is a social worker and I tell her about my job. We have a surprising amount in common and I think I might’ve found a new friend in her.

We don’t bother saying goodbye since we’re both heading to Group. I end up behind her and follow her the whole way to the school.

We head inside together, chatting about the surprisingly hot weather. There are already a few people there, either sitting or grabbing a snack.

Of their own accord, my eyes seek out Ryder.

When I find him, he looks up from the piece of paper he’s reading and smiles widely.

I feel it. The sparks and tingles in my body. Something I thought only one person would ever give me. This feeling both scares and excites me.

We both look away and then, like we can’t help it, our eyes connect again. It’s like we’re dancing but only with our eyes and the electricity crackling through the air.

I swallow thickly and duck my head, hurrying quickly to my seat.

My mind is a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I’ve never been more confused in all of my life.

My heart still yearns for Ben, but there’s this small piece that yearns for Ryder too. And that small piece … it’s growing, and I’m unable to stop it.

I stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom. There’s color in my skin now, I’ve gained a little weight, and my hair has been trimmed. My eyes, though, my eyes still look sad and tired. Haunted. I guess it’s baby steps.

I turn away and flick off the light.