Bring Me Back

“Good,” Casey chimes. “Things are working out for you, aren’t they?” She’s trying not to show it but I can see the worry in her eyes.

“Yeah, I guess so.” My face twitches.

“Honey.” She clucks her tongue in sympathy and takes my hand. “Talk to us.”

“Yeah, that’s what we’re here for,” Hannah says, carrying over the food while Chloe brings plates.

I look at my three friends and see they don’t understand. “I don’t want to burden you with my problems,” I explain. “Not when I can’t shoulder yours too.”

Hannah’s face crumples. “Blaire, that’s what friendship is. Being there for each other no matter what. We understand you’re hurting, we get it, and you can talk to us. Whatever you need to say, we’re here for you.”

“I just … I don’t want anyone’s sympathy,” I explain. “In the beginning, when Ben died, people were constantly saying I’m sorry and tiptoeing around my feelings, and I know that’s normal, but I don’t need that anymore. I’m not broken glass—I promise I won’t cut you if you step on me. In fact, I think I need to be stepped on.” I hold up my hands. “Metaphorically speaking, of course.”

Chloe laughs. “You’re so weird, B.”

I shrug. “I know.”

Casey nudges my shoulder with her arm so I’ll look at her. “Since you’re not broken glass,” she winks, “I want to say that you’re not the only one that lost Ben. He was our friend too. Did you think we haven’t mourned him? That we buried him and that was that? Because it wasn’t, Blaire. We all still miss him.” She motions to the three of them. “I know it’s so much worse for you. I’m not denying that, but for so long you acted like no one else was allowed to be sad but you.”

I wince. She’s right; I know she’s right, but it doesn’t make the words hurt any less.

I take a deep breath, preparing my thoughts before I speak. “Wow,” I begin, “I … I didn’t know I was like that, but now that you say that, I can see how I was and it wasn’t right. I pushed you guys away. I let my grief override everything else—”

“Blaire,” she interrupts me with a soft look and shake of her head, “don’t go down that road. Focus on the positive. It’s been almost seven months since he died and you’re more and more like yourself every day. You’re coming back, and much sooner than I thought you would. Grief is a deep dark hole, and some people never climb back out of it. But you’ve always been stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are a fighter. And Blaire?” She waits for me to nod. “You’re my hero.”

I hug her, holding on tight. “Thank you,” I whisper in her ear.

She nods against my shoulder as I let go.

Hannah reaches over, from where she sits on the coffee table and grabs my hand. “We love you and we’re here for you. Never think that you’re alone in this.”

“Yeah,” Chloe pipes in. “We’re a team.”

I smile at each of them. “I love you guys.” Chloe and Hannah take turns hugging me. “Look at us,” I say with a laugh, “we’re all a bunch of saps.”

They laugh too and I smile even bigger. This feels good, being here with them. I’m not shutting myself away anymore. Day by day I’m getting back to normal … Well, not normal, but a new normal.

Life will never be the same after losing Ben, I accept that, but I believe now that in time everything will be okay. Maybe even better than okay.

My phone rings beside me on the couch, flashing Ryder’s name on the screen. I stare at in confusion, wondering why he’s calling me.

“You gonna answer that, Kid, or look at it all day?”

I look up from the phone to my dad. He turns down the volume on the TV and nods at my phone, urging me to answer.

I sigh and answer, “Hello?”

“Hey, Blaire, it’s Ryder.”

“I know.”

“Oh, right. Of course,” he says awkwardly. “Anyway, I wanted to call you to see if you wanted to come over for the Fourth of July? I’m having a cookout. My parents are coming over, a few friends, and some of the people from Group. Ivy will be there,” he adds, knowing I talk to her frequently. When I don’t say anything immediately he continues, “I know it’s super last minute and I promise my feelings won’t be hurt if you say no. And your parents can come too if they want.” He’s rambling now, and I find it endearing.

“Sure,” I say. “Sounds fun.”

He breathes out a sigh of relief. “Really?”

I laugh. “Yeah.”