The Other Side of Tomorrow

I smile. Harlow makes my heart happy. I hear horror stories about siblings, but mine couldn’t be more perfect. Yeah, we fight and disagree at times, but she’s always there for me and I’m always there for her.

“When did you get so smart?” I ask her.

She cracks a grin. “I’ve always been this smart—you’re finally starting to notice.”

I shake my head. “Nah, I’ve always noticed, I just can’t go out handing you praise all the time or your head will get even bigger.”

“Ha-ha,” she intones sarcastically, throwing a piece of cucumber at me.

I finish my sandwich and roll up the paper wrapper. Perry harrumphs at my feet, clearly showing his displeasure at not being slipped a treat from my food.

“Do you ever get bored?” Harlow asks me suddenly.

“Bored?” I repeat, my eyes squished together in obvious confusion.

“Yeah, you know—you’re home alone a lot, you don’t have school anymore or a job. Don’t you get bored?”

I play with a corner of the paper wrapper sticking out from the rolled-up ball I’d turned it into. “Yeah, at times. But I have my books and the computer.”

She shakes her head. “That’s not a life, Willa. You need to be out here living.” She sweeps a hand.

“It’s not that simple.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful every day to still be here, but I know my disease holds me back. I see people doing things and being adventurous, but then I think about how tired I can get and I talk myself into staying in the house.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I want to be more present. I want to live and have fun. I want to learn to surf and go to a bonfire. I want to make more friends.

I want to do things I’ve always been afraid of, because coming close to death has taught me they’re not to be feared. A life unlived is what we should all fear.

And yet, I haven’t done any of the things I want to.

I’m grateful that dialysis allows me the ability to live, and there are lots of things I can still do while on it, I won’t deny that. What holds me back is my own fear.

But one day … One day I’m finally going to get a transplant and that kidney will not only save my life, it’ll transform it.

“It’s more simple than you think,” Harlow says. “I know how you are. You sit around and overthink everything. Sometimes you have to just do it. Just. Do. It.”

I tilt my head. “Are you quoting Shia LaBeouf to me?” I crack a smile and she laughs.

“I mean, he is my future husband.” She winks and takes a sip of water.

“I’m pretty sure he’s like double your age.”

She stands up with her trash and grabs mine too. “Age is just a number.” She swishes her hair over her shoulder and saunters off to throw away the trash.

I stand up and grab Perry’s leash. He looks up at me with his lolling tongue, trying to act cute and innocent.

“You’re not fooling me,” I tell him. I swear he grins.

My mind drifts back to the guy Perry practically mauled and my stomach stirs once more. This giddy feeling bubbling inside me is foreign and slightly strange, but I think I like it.

Harlow returns and takes Perry’s leash from me—probably not trusting me not to lose him again—and we head back to my car.

The drive to the ice cream shop is short. It’s a small little shack right on the beach. Guilt floods me, knowing ice cream is a no-no with my diet, but it’s not like it’s something I do every day, or even once a week, therefore I tell my guilt to take a hike. I can indulge now and then.

“You stay with Perry. I’ll order this time,” I tell Harlow.