Always Wanting (Consumed)

I smile tiredly. “Only if you’re sure…” She nods. “Okay. Thank you. I’ll see you Monday.”

I gather my things and wave good-bye to Mrs. Morris, my exhausted and pain-riddled body taking me to my car. I need to go shopping for food, but I just don’t have the energy for it today. My days are pretty much the same as they were before. During daylight hours, I still have the constant small nagging in my stomach that never really leaves me. It’s the nights that I have to fight tooth and nail, and deal with the unbearable pain.

An hour later, I’m sitting on my couch, staring at the wall across from me, my sandwich forgotten in my lap. Thoughts of Mrs. Maverick’s words keep playing over and over in my mind. Although I want to believe them so much, unless she’s walked in my shoes and knows the struggle I go through every day, there’s no way she can simply discount my problems as easily as she makes it to be. Unfortunately, my situation is impossible. There’s no simple solution to my problem. There is no getting around it, to turn an impossible situation possible.

Tears gather in my eyes for what seems like the thousandth time in the last six days. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of thinking of Colt, but it seems like it’s the only thing I do these days. There’s nothing I can do to wipe away our history from my mind. It’s taken over my life and my body, and I don’t know how to get back to my fucked-up kind of normal.

The pain in my stomach is steadily getting worse each minute I sit here, and I fear for when it gets to the point where I can’t handle it anymore. My body has been trembling for the past thirty minutes, but I’m trying my best to ignore it. The nausea and shivers haven’t started yet, thank God, but I know it’s coming. It always does.

My phone chirps beside me on the couch. Picking it up, I see Nathan’s name on the screen.

“Hey,” I answer tiredly. He’s been a godsend, and the person that’s saved my sanity the last few days.

“How ya doing?”

I pick at the edges of my now stale turkey and American cheese sandwich.

“I’m good,” I tell him, then wince when it comes out shaky.

Stupid fucking body.

“I’m going to be a bit late tonight,” he says hesitantly.

Panic is the first thing I feel. I can’t do this without him. I need him here with me. He’s my lifeline right now, and it scares me shitless to be here alone at night.

I’m so fucking pathetic. What happened to the girl that was strong and independent? The girl that didn’t need anyone for anything? Yes, I’ve depended on my friends before for certain… things, but never to the point where I don’t think I’ll survive if I don’t have them with me. I know it’s not the case, but I literally feel like I’m dying when the pain takes over.

I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath, trying to push the panic down. Once I’m reasonably sure I’ve got myself under control, I tell Nathan, “Okay. I’ll be here when you get here.”

Obviously, my reasonably assured mind isn’t working properly, because Nathan knows right away I’m on the verge of a near anxiety attack.

“It’s only for about an hour, okay, Abby?” He tries to soothe me, but it doesn’t work. Nothing will work unless he’s here. I hate myself for being so damn weak.

“I’ll be there as quickly as I can. I’m going to call Tegan and see if he can stop by and sit with you until then.”

“No!” I say loudly, before pulling myself together and lowering my voice. It’s bad enough that Nathan sees me like this. I don’t want to add to the list of people. Tegan and Ava have seen me at my worst before, but this time is different. “I-I’ll be fine until you get here. Just… please, hurry.”

“I will, I promise. Just do what you’ve been doing. You can do this, Abby. I know you can. I’ll be there before it gets too bad.”

I’m glad he has faith in me, because I sure as hell don’t. But I’ll try. I’ll try so fucking hard. That’s all I can do.

Minutes later we hang up, and I carry my sandwich and dump it into the trash. I walk agitatedly around the house and try to think of other things besides the building pressure in my stomach and sharp pain in my chest.

It takes everything in me to not call Colt. Over the course of six days, I’ve caught myself numerous times with my finger hovering over his name on my phone. I’ve stayed strong and haven’t called him, but it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I want nothing more than to call him and hear his voice, and beg him to come to me. Not only to relieve the pain, but mostly because I want to see him. Even if he doesn’t touch me, I want him near me. Being in his presence somehow calms something in me. He’s the only one that’s been able to fully satisfy my body, and the only one to calm the emotional war that’s always waging in my head and heart. I miss him so much more than I ever thought I would. I thought my life had felt empty before I met him, but that was nothing compared to the hollow feeling I feel now. I desperately want him back, but I refuse to put my burdens on him. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone whole, someone that won’t leave him in a constant worry.

I grab my phone on my pass back through the living room and pull up his name. Just seeing his name has my heart lurching. I can’t even delete his number to help with my need to call him, because I’ve looked at it so many times that it’s now ingrained in my brain.

I jump when my phone starts ringing, and for a second, I hope with everything that I am it’s him. There’s no way I would be able to not answer it if it was.

Disappointment and relief fill my senses when I see my sister’s name. I’m not really in the mood to talk to her, but I need a distraction.

“Hey, Neen.” I drop into a chair at the kitchen table and lay my forehead down on the cool surface. My body heat is starting to rise.

“Mom’s starting to worry. Why aren’t you answering her calls?”

I groan and ban

g my head on the table. I don’t need this shit right now. She started calling me three days ago, and I’ve ignored her each time, too worried she’ll know something’s wrong by my voice.