Purgatory (A Prison Diary 2)
‘Tell Ms Nicholson that,’ I say in a moment of anger.
12 noon
Lunch. I have a small portion of beans and chips as it’s canteen day. How can I hope to lose weight with a diet of beans and chips supplemented by Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut plus crisps? I shall have to become the gym orderly at my next prison.
9.00 pm
The prime minister hints that the bombing of Afghanistan is about to begin. He adds that the ground war that will follow could continue beyond next summer. I can only wonder where I’ll be next summer.
Manage Act IV of Henry TV, Part I before falling asleep.
If I be not ashamed of my soldiers, I am a soused gurnet,’ declares Falstaff. I have to look up gurnet.
DAY 8O - SATURDAY 6 OCTOBER 2OO1
11.00 am
Governor Carlton-Boyce calls for me to confirm that my D-cat is going through the system. He asks if I have any preference as to which prison I would like to be moved to. It becomes clear he hasn’t read Tony Morton-Hooper’s letter. I explain that as my main residence is in London, any D-cat in that area would be fine, because then my family will find it easier to visit. We discuss Latchmere House, Spring Hill and Stamford Hill. He says he’ll check on availability and let me know.
2.30 pm
Amazing Brookes cartoon of Osama bin Laden as a poisonous mushroom in Nature Notes on the back of today’s Times (see plate section). I call Chris Beetles, who represents the cartoonist and ask if we should add it to the collection.
I have been putting together a cartoon collection - with Chris’s help - for the past fifteen years, which I had intended to leave to the Palace of Westminster (Parliament). I’m even having second thoughts about that. The collection comprises around three hundred drawings, and includes works by Beerbohm, Vicky, Gould, Kal, Searle, Furniss, Steadman and Scarfe, amongst many others. The collection also includes sixteen Brookes, but only nine hang in the flat. Chris feels we should remove Hague from the wall (an octopus surrounded by suckers) and replace him with bin Laden. The cartoonist keeps the odd gem for his private collection, so I may not be able to acquire it Should you be wondering, black and white, PS850, colour, PS1,450. Chris points out that he hasn’t yet seen the quintessential cartoon summing up the full horror of September 11th.
5.00 pm
Steve (conspiracy to murder, librarian) has just returned from the visits hall where he’s been in charge of the shop. He tells me that they’ve had to stop selling Walkers crisps because one of the inmates opened a packet and pulled out a PS20 note (the company’s latest promotional scheme). The money was immediately impounded by a surveillance officer and credited to the prisoner’s canteen account (no inmate is allowed to be in possession of money for obvious reasons). All boxes of Walkers have been replaced with Golden Wonder until this campaign is over.
DAY 81 - SUNDAY 7 OCTOBER 2001
8.00 am
After writing for two hours I turn on the news to discover that the bombing of Afghanistan has begun in earnest. Forty strike aircraft and fifty cruise missiles (PS750,000 each) have been deployed. David Frost interviews everyone from Kissinger to Clinton, but by 9.30 am we’re none the wiser as to how the campaign is going.
11.00 am
Exercise. As Darren, Jimmy and I stroll round the yard we pass an officer I’ve never seen before because he’s attached to another block. His name is Zac Carr, known as ‘Z cars’. Jimmy tells me that he was temporarily suspended for allowing a prisoner to tattoo him. It’s an offence for one prisoner to tattoo another, let alone an officer. Jimmy then describes how the prisoner (the best tattoo artist at Wayland) goes about his craft. I later ask Mr Nutbourne if the story is true. He nods and says, ‘I could tell you many more stories about Z cars,’ he pauses, smiles, and adds, ‘but I won’t.’
11.45 am
Nigel (GBH, race relations rep) walks into my cell to complain that black people aren’t represented enough on TV. I sympathize with him and ask what he feels should be done about it.
They ought to show Crimewatch seven nights a week,’ he adds with a grin, ‘because that would just about even it up.’ Having got a rise out of me, he leaves. I continue writing.
8.00 pm
Patricia Routledge gives a moving performance in Everyone’s Nightmare, the true story of a woman who was wrongly convicted of murdering her mother and spent four years in jail before her sentence was quashed. Once you’ve been convicted, it can take forever to prove your innocence.
DAY 82 - MONDAY 8 OCTOBER 2001
11.00 am
All the papers have stories reporting that I’m about to be transferred to a D-cat. The Daily Mail mentions five possible prisons, so that they can eventually tell their readers they got it right. They didn’t. None of them bother to say that the police have dropped their enquiries. I suppose that would be asking too much.
12 noon
The allies have bombed Kabul for a second night, but there is still no news as to how effective the onslaught has been.