One Bride for Five Mountain Men

Of course, it didn’t work for Scott. Which is why we’re here.

Initially it did. He claimed to be my Peter Parker. Turned out to be more like my Green Goblin. Three years I spent with him. We even looked at wedding invitations together. We even talked about whether his parents were going to give us the beach house as a wedding present. I mean, of course I thought he was serious. Who wouldn’t? Those are the things that a serious person says, right?

Maybe I got overconfident, but I really thought I had it made. Twenty-three years old and living the goddamned dream.

So when he decided that he had a brand-new Mary Jane in his life, what could I be but surprised? I thought our storybook ending was already written out, and we were just rolling along a well-defined track, one that inevitably led to marital bliss.

Well, surprise! I guess there was a parallel track he forgot to tell me about.

“You’re stewing,” Nance announces suddenly, interrupting me.

I blink at my reflection, scowling and forcing myself to turn away.

“I’m not,” I object meekly, but it doesn’t even sound remotely true. For a second I consider repeating myself, maybe actually trying to sound sincere, but what’s the use.

Nance turns around, leaning back against the windowsill on her bare buttocks, drawing one knee up in a charmingly self-conscious pose.

“So I guess your evening with Tucker didn’t turn out like you hoped?”

“Tucker?” I repeat, confused. “Wait… is that his name?”

Nance raises an eyebrow at me as she rolls her shoulders back. She glances down and stares at her nipples for a second, pinching them into little points. I know this display is not for my benefit, but it is still a little strange. Seems like the sort of thing a person would do in private, maybe with just a single witness. I mean, a romantic witness. Not a platonic best friend kind of witness. Or not a “basically my underling” kind of witness, because I guess my “boss” is exactly what she is also.

“So… you didn’t get his name?” she muses playfully. “Why, Lola, you dirty girl!”

Standing from my chair, I pull the hotel-issued terrycloth robe off the hanger from the open closet and hold it out to her.

“You’re going to catch pneumonia or something,” I suggest. “Why don’t you put this on?”

Nance strides toward me, bouncing so that her tits wobble up and down on her chest, her eyes alight with mischief.

“Nudity shouldn’t make you so uncomfortable,” she lectures me. “You’re so Midwestern sometimes.”

“Just take it,” I sigh, shoving it toward her. Finally she does, and twirls it around her shoulders with dramatic flair. After squinting at it for moments, she picks up the latte as well and sips at it.

“Was it just too passionate?” She giggles, rolling her eyes. “Or did you just fuck him into unconsciousness? Honestly, I always figured that Tucker was the sort of guy who calls out his own name when he comes, so I’m surprised you didn’t catch it!”

“Yeah, well…” I answer gruffly, “let’s just say there wasn’t a whole lot of fucking. He sort of… got carried away without me.”

She tips her head to the side like a golden retriever. “What does that even mean?”

“It means…” I begin, then just give in. I mean, what’s the point of even having that kind of experience if you can’t relive it in great detail for your best friend?

I find myself acting the whole thing out for her amusement. She giggles into her hand, her eyes wide as I recount every detail including his saliva coating my chin, and his instant, disappointingly selfish masturbation act.

“Wait… So you’re saying… You guys didn’t even do it?” she asks incredulously. “Because he said you did!”

I pause, mid-pantomime, my arms out to my side as I try to recreate his beached whale impression when he fell asleep.

“What do you mean, he said that I did? He said that I did what?”

Nance takes a long sip of her latte. “He said you guys fucked like three times,” she shrugs. “I mean, it seemed like he went and found us in the bar specifically to tell us. And you never came back, so…”

“All I wanted to do was sleep!” I exclaim, exasperated and instantly furious. “I just went back to my room and took an Ambien and passed out! I couldn’t even believe that!”

She holds her hands up. “Calm down, Lola,” she sighs. “Everybody knows Tucker is full of shit. He’ll be lying about somebody else before the night is through anyway. Why don’t you just go find somebody else?”

All I can see is red. It’s like the air turns to ash around me. Cinders are flying everywhere.