A Nanny for Christmas

Ashe shook her head. “Why would I? She doesn’t tell me anything.”

“That might change if you ever bothered to show up for her visitation.”

“They’re always watching me.”

I shrugged. “You have proven you aren’t trustworthy not to have supervised visitation. It’s the social worker’s job to watch you.”

She glared at me. “It’s so easy for you to judge. You aren’t there, and you don’t have to deal with strangers watching your every movement.”

“If I did, it wouldn’t keep me from visiting my daughter as often as possible. Ask if she hates you, and the truth is, I don’t know. If she does, it’s probably with good reason.” I regretted the words as I said them, realizing there was no satisfaction in lashing out at this poor woman. She was already broken enough that she didn’t need me to help her fall the rest of the way.

She screamed and ran at me, her fingers curled so she could claw my face. I managed to mostly block the blow, though I felt the sharp sting of her nails tear through the flesh of my cheek as I pushed her away. She kept coming, trying to hit me, so I grabbed her wrists and eased her away as carefully as I could. I was trying not to hurt her, but she wouldn’t calm down. Finally, I ended up pushing her against the wall and making her stay there until she dissolved into a fit of sobs. At that point, I let go, and she slowly slid down the wall. She looked up at me through the veil of tears in her eyes. “Just go away and never come back. You’ve already ruined my life.”

I flinched. “How did I ruin your life? All I ever did was work and try to make things better for all of us. I didn’t cheat on you, I wasn’t an addict or an alcoholic, and I didn’t beat you.”

“You

were never there. You weren’t there for me, and now you aren’t there for Elle either. I know what a mess I am, and I know how much I’ve screwed up Elle, but do you have any clue what you’ve done? You’re just as responsible for her being fucked up in the head as I am.”

“I wish I’d never met you.”

She let out a bitter laugh. “I make that wish just about every day.”

Shaking my head, I turned and strode from her apartment as her words worked their way beneath my skin. I tried to tell myself they were just ravings of a high, angry woman, but was there kernel of truth to her accusations? Had I destroyed Elle in some way by not being there for her? I refused to accept the blame for Ashe’s addiction, since Eric had learned during the divorce that she had been a user for years before we got married, but I couldn’t so easily cast aside the idea that I was to blame somehow for Elle’s problems too. I know the divorce had been rough on her, but it hadn’t been a picnic for me either.

As I made my way back to the limousine, finally sitting there in the seat and brooding, I examined my actions and winced when I realized that not much had changed on my end.

I had to admit it. There was some validity to Ashe’s accusation that I hadn’t been there enough. Even after the divorce, I hadn’t cut down my hours or found a way to make more time for Elle. I’d hired a couple of nannies who hadn’t lasted, before thrusting the problem mostly on Betsy and Margot, since Elle would sometimes listen to them. It had been easier to pretend like everything was fine, or on its way back to fine, because it meant I didn’t have to make any changes.

It was obvious now that once I had her home, I had to shift some priorities and focus more on Elle. She was far more important than the company I had built from scratch, and I needed to prove to her that she was the most important thing in my life. She might never get that reassurance from Ashe, but I didn’t want her doubting for one second that her father loved her with all his heart.

Lindsay would be there to support her as well, though that realization left me out of sorts. Keeping Lindsay around was a temptation I wasn’t sure I could withstand, but I didn’t want to fall in love again. My sole experience with Ashe had been a disaster, and we still had the ability to hurt each other even two years after our split. It wasn’t safe to love anyone, and I refused to do it. I didn’t want to hurt Lindsay, and I certainly didn’t want her to leave Elle, but I couldn’t risk committing my heart to her. It was something I would have to figure out after Elle was home.

She would be home. She had to come home.

CHAPTER 14

LINDSAY

T he first park I checked ended up being a bust. There was nothing that could have been even remotely described as a playhouse, so I moved to the next on my list. This one was smaller and thankfully a bit farther from Coney Island, but as I walked through the park, I saw some small colored structures ahead that could be playhouses. As I got closer, they were definitely small houses. It was a charming setup. Someone had designed what looked like a gingerbread village, though the houses were constructed from thick plastic. It looked weathered, and some had damage, but there were enough details remaining that I could imagine how it had been when it was new. If this was the place, I could easily see why Elle would have chosen it as her favorite. Still. this area wasn’t the safest, and the urgency of the situation kept me on edge.

I moved to the miniature village as snow started to fall, cautiously peeking into the first window. There were three little girls and a boy playing together, and they all stared at me. None of them were Elle, so I moved on. The next playhouse was empty, and the third had two little boys, so I kept going. The fourth house revealed a small figure seated inside with a book on her lap. Relief filled me when I realized it was Elle, and I moved to the door. The house was definitely built for little kids, and it was a tight fit to squeeze inside. I had to practically bend over double and shimmy in. I was afraid I’d get stuck, but on the plus side, I’d be blocking the exit and preventing Elle from running if I did.

She seemed surprised to see me, and her swollen eyes and tearstained cheeks broke my heart as I finally wiggled my hips the rest of the way inside and crouched on the floor. “Hi, Elle.” I struggled to find a calm, soothing tone. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms to make sure she was okay, but I didn’t want to move too quickly and startle her.

“Hey.” She closed her book and set it aside on top of her backpack, which I saw was stuffed to the point it would barely zip closed. “What did you bring with you?”

She looked at the pack and shrugged. “Warm clothes and my favorite stuffed monkey.”

“And books,” I nodded my head toward the one sitting atop the pack.

“The cabdriver knew what place I was talking about when I told him my old address and described the park.”

I shuddered at the thought of her taking a cab by herself, and I was angry at the driver for a moment that he hadn’t bothered to report that a child had flagged him down, but my anger seeped away as relief filled me.

“That was good that you took a cab instead of the subway.” It was New York, I supposed. She wouldn’t be the first child to ride a cab unattended. There were even children who went back and forth on the subway every day for school, so it wouldn’t have seemed out of place to the driver. I couldn’t really blame him or her for not phoning the police.

“Daddy said never take the subway alone.” Elle’s eyes clouded over, and her lower lip trembled. “Is he mad at me?”