No Strings

We make love, and then Ben wraps me in his arms, falling asleep with his face still buried in my neck. I want to get cleaned up, but I don’t move, not wanting to wake him. He’s been through a lot tonight and, if the fates aren’t in his favor, will be going through more in the near future.

At some point, I doze off, only to wake up to him sliding into me again. This time, he fucks me quick and rough. He doesn’t kiss me—instead nipping at the sensitive flesh between my neck and collarbone—and there isn’t any foreplay. Ben always makes sure I get off first. It’s as if he was drawn to me in his sleep and is barely awake. He doesn’t last long before he finds his release and then falls back asleep.

This time, since he’s sleeping on his stomach and not on me, I do get up and jump in the shower. After I’m dressed, I tiptoe out to the kitchen, finding it’s almost seven in the morning. I make a pot of coffee and whip up some pancakes, bacon, and eggs.

I’m just finishing up when I hear Ben’s phone ringing. I pad into the room and find him sitting on the edge of the bed with his head hanging down. My heart plummets into my stomach. This can’t be good.

Closing the space between us, I kneel in front of Ben. He looks up, his eyes filled with unshed tears, and I know something is very wrong.

“He’s gone,” he whispers. “He’s gone.”

There are no words to say, so I do the only thing I can do and wrap my arms around him, hugging him as tight as I can while he cries against my chest.

Brody must hear him because he steps into the doorway, his eyes knowing. On the way home last night, he told me that even though his dad was gone a lot, his grandfather always made it a point to visit with him and check in on him. But in the past couple of months, Brody hasn’t talked to him as often. He was worried he wouldn’t get a chance to make sure they were okay.

“Come here, sweetie,” I tell him, opening my arm.

Ben glances up and chokes back a sob. “Fuck… Brody.”

Without saying a word, Brody joins us on the bed, and for the next several minutes, I hold my boys, wishing I could make this better for them. I’ve never known what it’s like to lose someone I love. Both my parents abandoned me. And I’ve never had anyone else in my life close enough to miss, let alone mourn… until now.

I try to imagine what it would be like to lose Ben or Brody, but just the thought of it happening causes my heart to clench in my chest, knocking the oxygen from my lungs.

“I love you,” I murmur to them both, needing them to know. Watching how quickly Ben and Brody went from laughing at the beach to crying over Olivier makes me realize how uncertain life really is, and at any moment, those you love can be ripped away from you.

The next few days pass in a blur of emotional chaos. Ben gets lost in planning his dad’s funeral while Brody stays close to me. I try to be there for Ben, but the more I push, the more he pulls away. We sit together at the funeral, but afterward, he takes off on his own and doesn’t return until the next day. He doesn’t even notice I’m there, and he reeks of alcohol.

When I call him, asking if he wants to meet for lunch or dinner, he tells me he’s busy dealing with work. I go to the gym the following morning, but he doesn’t show up. And the next evening when Brody tells me that his dad never came home, I head over to his place to stay with him, explaining that his father is grieving and we just need to give him some time.

“Can I move in with you?” Brody asks one night after we’ve had dinner and are sitting at the table while he finishes his math homework.

“What?” I ask in confusion.

“When my dad leaves, can I move in with you?”

“Brody…” I cover my hand with his. “Your dad isn’t leaving. He’s grieving… But he’ll get through it. He just needs some time.”

He nods but doesn’t look like he believes me. “Okay, but if he leaves, can I move in with you? I don’t…” He swallows thickly. “I really don’t want to move back in with my mom and Ted.”

“It’s not going to come to that. I promise.”

Ben isn’t going anywhere… He said he wasn’t. He told me he loved me and wanted a future with me… He’s reconnected with his son… He wouldn’t leave after all that… Right?