Can You Handle It (Naughty Bedroom Collection)
How I “Met” Your (Brother)
Harlow
Oh. My. Fucking. Gahhhh…
“Ma’am, I need you to get the hell out of my store.” The manager of Big Daddy’s Naughty Secrets pointed to the exit. “Please don’t make me call the police.”
“I think you should call them.” I crossed my arms. “That way, I can explain how someone on your staff has been stealing from me and you’re not doing a single thing about it.”
He gave me a blank stare, extending our hour-long stalemate to two. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my Saturday afternoon, but I refused to leave without getting answers.
“I have the statements to prove this.” I motioned for him to look at the paper I’d slammed onto the counter seconds ago. “I’ve never bought any of these toys, and I really need my money back.”
He picked up the sheet, running his finger along a few of the lines I’d underlined in red. “Looks like you buy a lot of lingerie at Victoria’s Secret.”
“Those are the legitimate charges. That’s why they’re in green.”
“Right … ” He rolled his eyes. “Let’s see these others.”
I waited for him to address the three hundred dollar charge for the ‘Pleasure Me, Daddy’ collection, the eighty-five dollar one for “Cuckold Galore,” or any of the fifty-dollar charges for a penis enhancement pill.
“Okay. Look, Miss.” He set down the sheet, shrugging. “Like I told you before, this is an issue between you and your credit card company.”
“Well, they seem to think differently,” I said, pleading. “I honestly never knew this store existed before these charges appeared, so there’s no way I could’ve bought this stuff, you know? Maybe it’s identity theft.”
“Okay, then.” He smiled. “So, you want me to give you the benefit of the doubt, and accept that you’re telling the truth. Then, I’m assuming that you want me to refund you nine hundred dollars—getting none of my products back, and call it a day?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I promise to leave you a five-star Yelp review the moment I get out of here. I’ll also tell everyone that you didn’t penalize me for an obvious case of stolen identity.”
“Oh, okay.” He crossed his arms. “Security!”
“What?” I sucked in a breath. “I thought we were on the same page.”
“You’re out of your goddamn mind, lady.” He called out again. “Security!”
A beefy, uniformed guard emerged from the sex doll aisle, but I didn’t wait for him to give me a perp walk. Instead, I grabbed the statement and stormed out.
I rushed to my car and locked the door, beating my hands against the steering wheel in utter frustration.
In the grand scheme of things, the purchases at this store were a drop in the bucket compared to the thousands that some anonymous jerk had spent at Pornhub.com, OnlyFans, and Big Booty Club.
Still, I struggled with the idea of paying back credit I never used.
Unsure of what to do next, I thought about the top four things my late mother always suggested whenever she encountered problems with her refunds.
1. Call in a bomb threat and rob the register before the police arrive.
2. Call the store a million times with burner phones and jam the phone lines until they give in to your demands.
3. Send firm (but slightly threatening) emails.
4. Write a scathing Facebook post.
I seriously considered the bomb threat. It was the quickest way to get my money back, but I realized my aging car would never let me speed away fast enough.
I settled for the American Express Credit Card Facebook page and clicked one-star before venting my frustrations on their public wall.
Harlow McGuire —> American Express Credit Card
Dear American Express,
Since all the people via your phone lines have refused to help me, this is my last resort.
For the umpteenth time, I did NOT purchase a “flesh-light, a PornHub subscription, or any “dental dam” products. (I also don’t understand why there is a Netflix charge on my bill since everyone I know uses my best friend’s account/password, but I digress.)
These are fraudulent charges, and I would like my credit back ASAP.
I would hate to take this to Twitter, but I will if you don’t help. I’m sure other dissatisfied customers would love nothing more than to EXPOSE & DRAG you for the assholes that you are.
Harlow McGuire
To my surprise, someone on their staff responded to my post within minutes.
American Express —> Harlow McGuire
Hello (Again) Miss McGuire,
If by “people who have refused to help [you],” you’re implying that we won’t reverse the charges, you are quite correct.
According to our records, these purchases have been a consistent pattern since February of this year.
There is no fraud here.
You bought the products, received them, and…You’re clearly enjoying them.
Feel free to “EXPOSE” & “DRAG” us on Twitter as much as you’d like. (Be sure to include the part about stealing from Netflix. We’re sure they’ll be thrilled to hear that.)