Getting Real

He reached around Rielle and grabbed her hips, yanking her back against him.

“No!”

“This is why we don’t want a real audience member, they tend to go a little mad,” said Jonas, clearly not snoozing.

Lizard had a coughing fit that might’ve started out as laughter, but got choked off when Jake glared at him.

“Turn around,” Rielle barked. When Teflon looked at her and didn’t move she pushed him so that he was facing the other way. She stood up close behind him, and pressed her face into his back. She brought her hands around his waist, and then wandered them across, and over his chest, and then down his legs. She skirted across his hips and ever so close to his groin, and he flinched in surprise.

“Christ, it’s Christmas, Tef,” called Bodge, finally losing his cool. He shot Jake a contrite look, but his body was shaking with silent mirth. Any minute now, Jake was going to lose it too. Bunk had his mouth open; Lizard was flushed an odd shade of pink.

Rielle released Teflon so quickly he lost his balance and had to grab the railing, which made Lizard call, “Man overboard!”

“Now you,” said Rielle, turning her back to Teflon.

“God help us,” said Jake, as Tef glued himself to Rielle’s back and groped her breasts. His urge to look away was strong, but not as strong as the one to keep gawking.

“Argh!” she yelled, and grabbing Tef’s hands, showed him precisely how she wanted him to touch her.

Teflon wore an expression of baffled wonder, and when Rielle brought his hands back to her breasts and held them there, he was red faced, all his earlier bravado concertinaed into rock solid embarrassment.

Beside him, Bodge sighed. “Why am I so fucking old and fat.”

“Never mind, Bodge.” Bunk patted Bodge on the back. “I’ll think of you when it’s my turn to do her.”

“Hey,” Jake snapped. “A bit of respect.”

“You do it now,” Rielle said to Teflon. She made him do the whole hands everywhere routine four times before she was satisfied he had it down. “Now we kiss.” Teflon whooped loudly enough for two of the catering staff to pop their heads out of the backstage area for a gander.

“Jake, I get to do this don’t I?” asked Lizard, eagerness sending his eyebrows sailing up his forehead. “Man, I’d pay money to do this.”

Jake was trying so hard not to lose it he could hardly answer. His voice came out all uneven. “Liz, if Tef has a brain explosion up there, you’ll have to do it every second night.”

Lizard bounced on the balls of his feet. “I’m ready, Reedy, I’m ready.”

Rielle had turned to face Teflon. She pushed him back to a seated position and stood between his legs. She put her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. Tef’s arms shot out and around her waist and Jake, Bodge, Bunk and Lizard groaned as she held that kiss far longer than they expected. Far longer than Tef would ever have dreamed possible.

“It’s a two minute kiss,” said Jonas, still prone on the stage floor, “everything is timed.”

Rielle released Teflon, who reeled as though he’d been hit in the head by something hard and signalled to Bodge. “Let’s do it with the cage extended.”

Rielle and Teflon went through the routine with the cage extended several times, and then used a recording of the sound track to get the timing right. Tef was looking almost blasé about his part by the time Rielle called for a break. Jake felt like lying down beside Jonas and closing his eyes. They had to live through this two more times.

“That’s how it’s done, Bunk,” Tef said, when he climbed out of the cage and swaggered over to the ground crew. He gave Bodge a high-five and got a slow clap from Jonas.

“Next!” Rielle called from the cage, sounding like an impatient bank teller with a queue of customers on a Friday afternoon. She waited while Bunk climbed the rigging. “I hope you were watching.” She looked him up and down, making Bunk blush to the roots of his buzz cut.

“Nicely does it,” called Teflon, proprietarily. “Be gentle, ya big mug.”

“No fear. You’re in the hands of a master,” said Bunk to Rielle, puffing his chest out.

“Oh yeah,” she said, hands on her hips. “Show me.”

In the end, it was Rielle who showed Bunk how it was done. She moved him around like he was a plastic GI Joe doll, positioning him where she wanted him, placing his hands on her body and admonishing him to relax and concentrate at the same time. The more she worked with him the more wooden and anxious Bunk became, the more his confidence evaporated.

On the ground, Jake shared a grimace with Bodge as Bunk became increasingly awkward, and Rielle got obviously annoyed. Meanwhile Tef wore a self-satisfied expression and Lizard a look of anxious expectation—if Bunk failed to deliver, he was a sure start.

“No, no, no!” yelled Rielle, grabbing the railing and pretending to beat her head against it, her hair flying. She spun around, and centimetres from Bunk’s face shouted, “Jesus, I feel sorry for the women you fuck.”