The Christmas He Loved Her (Bad Boys of Crystal Lake 2)
That feeling in his chest, the one that had been dogging him forever, it seemed, erupted and filled him with heat. And anger. And a vicious need to do something.
He let the anger wash over him, wash through him, and began to pant as his vision blurred with something hot and wet. He scrubbed at his eyes and took a step forward.
“You selfish bastard,” he shouted, his voice echoing into the darkness.
Jake turned abruptly and began to pace the length of his brother’s grave. All of the blackness, the rage, the pain and anguish from that day filled his head and chest until he could barely breathe. Until he fell to his knees and leaned against the cold, hard granite.
“How could you give up like that? What the hell happened to you?”
But of course there were no answers. Nothing to make him feel better about any of the choices he’d made.
Jake glanced around. There was nothing but death in this place.
He thought of Raine. Of her warmth and smile. He thought of that night they’d been together, just weeks after Jesse’s funeral. Of the need they had to connect and to comfort and to…live.
He thought of how he’d felt. As if he’d betrayed his brother. And of how he’d left soon after, leaving Raine alone to deal with the consequences.
Cain was right. He had been hiding behind his brother’s death. Blaming himself for the tragic events on that day and using it as an excuse to avoid dealing with the fallout. To avoid taking what he wanted. What he’d always wanted. Raine.
Slowly, Jake straightened, his fingers brushing away the snow from the top of the gravestone as he tried to sort out his thoughts.
“I don’t know what was wrong with you, brother. Why weren’t you strong enough to live?” His voice broke. “Why didn’t you live for Raine…for me? Why the hell did you walk out onto that street? Why didn’t you fight for what you had?”
Jake shuddered, staring down at the cold granite and the snow-covered earth that entombed his brother. Such rage welled up inside that for a moment he saw nothing. He kicked the candleholder and sent it flying into the darkness, his breaths coming fast and hard as his chest tightened.
“I’m not sorry that I love her, dammit, I’m not. I’m not sorry that I’m here and you’re not, and that’s what’s killing me, Jesse. The guilt is killing me. I hate that you’re gone, but I don’t…I don’t regret Raine. I can’t. I love her.”
Silence met his declaration, and as fast as his anger boiled inside him, it slipped away, leaving him empty.
“I love you, Jesse, but I’m done with this. I can’t live with this guilt anymore. I came back and you didn’t, but it’s not my fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just what is.”
He exhaled slowly. “I hope you’re at peace wherever the hell you are, and one day, brother, I’ll see you again, but for now…” He wiped his eyes and moved away. “For now, I’m going to live my life, and I’m going to be happy, and I…” He paused and took a step back.
“I hope you’re okay with that.”
Chapter 28
St. Paul’s church was filled to the rafters. Literally. Every available seat had a body in it, including those in the loft above. The candles were lit, the nativity scene breathtaking, and the children’s portio
n of the event was just ending.
Raine smiled as she spied Maggie’s son, Michael. Tucked near the back with his buddy Tommy, he was dressed as one of the shepherds, and while supposedly looking down in reverence at the baby Jesus, he was giggling behind his staff.
“Oh my God, Michael is going to hear it when we get home,” Maggie whispered. “He’s lucky they let him participate, considering we arrived just a few hours ago, but I’m sure Mrs. Lancaster is regretting it.”
Raine nodded, an automatic move, because her attention had already wandered. Again. She clutched her cell phone, thinking of the voice mail she’d retrieved just before the Christmas service had begun.
“I love you and I’m coming for you.”
Cain and Mackenzie had arrived just after Pastor Lancaster took to his pulpit, but almost immediately, Cain had been swept away by Mrs. Lancaster and had a guitar shoved into his hands. With Cain on stage and Mackenzie sitting with his mother, Raine had no idea if they’d even found Jake.
The kids began to file out slowly, following her mother, Gloria, as she sang “Silent Night,” accompanied by the soft strains of Cain’s guitar. First the angels, then the wise men, a donkey, a camel, and three sheep waved good-bye.
Raine wasn’t sure when the energy in the church changed—when the whispers began to overtake the singing. But the hair on the back of her neck stood on end, and for some reason her heart began to beat faster. Harder.
As if it knew he was there.
She sat on the end of the second pew from the front and glanced down at the cell in her hands, aware that everyone on the stage was staring down the aisle. Aware that her mother had stepped back from the spotlight and that Cain was strumming something altogether different than “Silent Night.”