“We’re both number one, you dumbass,” Banks says with hurt. “Whoever’s in your head telling you I’m second, cut ‘em out.”
I hear him, but all I see is a path where Sulli is free of pain and misery. That path doesn’t include me. Maybe it never did, and to even go for her was selfish. “Things will be back to normal once I’m out of the picture.”
“No,” Sulli snaps, jumping off the bed and coming forward beside Banks. “I don’t want that. I want you.” She keeps her distance, like she’s scared I’ll physically push her away too.
I run my tongue over my teeth, my face cinching in pain. “I’m not putting you through what just happened again, Sul.” I strengthen my voice, my decision. “I won’t. I can’t.”
Banks is shaking his head vigorously, glaring murderously.
Sulli is frozen in a state of shock.
I take a bigger breath. “I’ll remove myself from your detail so it won’t be hard. I’ll grab my stuff out of your room tomorrow—”
“STOP!” Sulli yells at me, tears surging and slipping down her face. “Fucking stop!” Her voice cracks.
My gaze scalds, fighting back my own tears.
“Stay tonight,” Banks forces out. “Let’s talk about this. Don’t just fucking run away!”
“I’m not running. I’m protecting us. I’ve been protecting you two this entire time, and somewhere, deep down, I knew…” I push back my hair, breath shortened. “I fucking knew this is what it’d have to come to. You don’t know, but I told Ryan Reed you two are secretly dating.”
“You did what?” Banks almost yells.
Sulli has her hands on her head. “Fuck, fuck.”
“I hoped he’d go spill it,” I admit, rubbing my nose that runs. “I wanted that out in the world—the relationship that has the least pain, the least heartache, the most strength. It’s you two. It was always supposed to be you two. I cut in—”
“I cut in,” Banks refutes.
“You kissed her first.”
“She’s always loved you.”
Sulli’s face contorts. “It’s the three of us. It was always supposed to be the three of us.” She turns to me. “How is this protecting us, Kits? This media craze could be over in a couple weeks. We just need to wait it out like my mom said.”
“Like your mom said,” I repeat those words. Distress cramps my chest as I picture where Sulli is headed. “She’s wrong, Sul.”
“No, she’s right.”
I shake my head. “Lily Calloway and Loren Hale never shed their fame.”
“I’m not my aunt and uncle.”
“You’re not,” I agree. “But think about it, Sulli. Everything they did kept bringing more attention and more eyes and more curiosity and more click-bait. The headlines sucked people in. The sex addict living with her sisters. The sex addict and alcoholic getting married. The sex addict and alcoholic having kids.”
Banks has his arms around Sulli as she wipes at her eyes. He asks me, “What does that prove?”
“How do we know this is any different?” I wave a finger around the room. “The headlines are right here. The Meadows Olympian dating two men. The Meadows Olympian fucking two men. The Meadows Olympian having babies with two men.”
Sulli blinks and more tears fall.
I take a breath. “Just living your life, Sulli, is going to be a spectacle.” I touch my chest. “I love you both too much to put you through that.” Pain lances everywhere. “I have to end this.”
Leave.
Never look back.
She has Banks. She’ll be okay.
Turning around, I grab the doorknob.
Sulli lets out a sob that rips me apart.
Banks grabs at my shoulder. “Don’t fucking leave.” He’s choked.
I spin around, the pain in his eyes reflecting the pain in mine. “She loves you, Banks. She’ll be happy with you. She’ll be safe with you.”
“Even if that were true, what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Don’t do this to yourself. I’ve seen my brother sacrifice what makes him happy for what he feels is right and just, and you can’t do this. Don’t fucking do this.” He fists my shirt. “Be happy.”
I’d rather leave them knowing they’re happy. I can suffer alone. “Unlike the two of you, I grew up as an only child. I’ve lived with no family in Philly. I’m used to being alone.”
“And you hate it,” Banks says coldly. “I need you. She needs you. We need you.”
Sulli rubs at her face and comes closer, her hand brushing against my hand. “This won’t fucking work without both of you. Kits.”
I meet her eyes. “I don’t know if I ever believed that.”
Like I detonated a bomb at our feet, Sulli stumbles back. “What?”
Banks catches her from falling onto the floor.
“In my heart,” I say tightly, “I think if I didn’t exist, you two would still be perfect together. But for me to be with Sulli, I’ll always need Banks.”
Banks groans out with the shake of his head. “That’s horseshit and you know it.”