Cast the Cards

“Yes, but never the happy times. It’s always overshadowed by my death. I don’t want to be the cause of so much pain, not anymore.” He brought his hands up to stroke her hair. “No more hurting yourself on my account, Vannah, please.”

“I’m sorry.” Her body shook. “I had no idea—”

“I know. But now that you do I need a promise. You never renege on those.”

“What do you want me to promise?” I don’t like this.

“That you will battle your way to the place and time when thoughts of me make you smile, and add happiness and joy.” He delivered a shaky smile.

“Clark –”

“I know you don’t think you can do it, but you can. I have faith in you. The strength you possess is so much greater than you’ve ever realized. Hell, I think it kept me fed a time or two when I was at my lowest.” His hands stilled and he leaned back in, pressed his lips to hers. The kiss tasted like goodbye. “We can’t do this to ourselves anymore, Savannah. It’s time to let go of the missed opportunity.”

“Are you leaving?” Panic tensed her muscles. I’m not ready!

“Not until this is done. But I won’t make so free with you. It’s not right.” The words sliced through her, deflated the tiny balloon of hope that had begun to rise. He placed a finger on her lips. “It’s a lot to take in right now, I know. I think we both need space.” She wanted to grab onto him and beg him to stay. The open dialogue was freeing.

With him at her side, the gaping pit of pain, guilt, and a lifetime of memories felt surmountable. “Remember you promised, Vannah. No shutting down or going back to the way it was before. Lean on, Carey. He’s ready to be your rock.” He moved back. Covering her mouth with her hand she muffled the cry of protest that burst free when he disappeared.

I can’t go inside like this. A look in her rearview mirror told her she was a red-rimmed, puffy-nosed mess. A few cleansing breaths later she pulled out into traffic and headed toward the one person she knew would understand–Carey.

***

A knock came at the door. Carey frowned. He grabbed his gun from its holster. Took off the safety and walked toward the door. Though he’d never voiced his concern out loud he realized through him the killers had a second chance to complete their crime without the hang-ups. His steps were carefully measured and silent on the carpeted floor. With his back against the wall he leaned over and peered out the peephole.

The sight of Vannah worried and relieved him at the same time. He clicked the safety back into place, lowered the gun, and opened the door.

“What happened, Vannah?”

She stepped inside and wrapped her arms around her waist. He rubbed her arms.

“I saw Clark, and after that I-I couldn’t go home like this.” She gestured toward her swollen face with her hands. “They’d ask questions I couldn’t answer.”

“Are you okay? Is he?”

“No.” Her lower lip trembled. “Yes.”

“No, you aren’t okay or…” Carey shrugged, trying to read her. This was such a far departure from the woman he’d come to know. I have no clue how to approach her without getting my head bit off.

“I don’t even know what I am.”

“Okay.” He paused. “Why don’t we move to the couch and you can start at the beginning.” He placed a hand on the small of her back. Shut and locked the door and guided her to the couch.

“He showed up in the car. We talked about what happened the other night, made our peace. And he said… we couldn’t go there anymore.” Her words were skewed. barely discernible as she re-laid the story, pausing frequently to hold it together.

“I don’t.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Um. I’m not sure what to say to all that.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to say anything really. I just needed to tell someone. I know it had to happen. But I wasn’t ready. I never would have been. How do you prepare to have your heart ripped out? Being back

here makes everything seem fresh.”

“Is that really such a bad thing?” Carey whispered.

“Not anymore.” She sniffed.

“That’s good then… right?” He arched an eyebrow and she gave a shaky laugh.

“Yes.”