Dream Keeper (Dream Team 4)

“He’s fire and thunder and maybe mountain,” I blurted. “And I’m water. Lake. Earth. We balance.”

Evie, Ryn and Hattie stared at me (Hattie was even blinking in a bemused way I would have noted was kind of cute, if I wasn’t freaking out).

Lottie spoke.

“I really wish I knew what you were talking about, because the way you’re saying it, you sound like you mean it and it’s important,” she said. “But I have no clue what you’re saying.”

“The Tao,” I told her. “The trigrams. The different energies. We all have the capacity to have each one flowing through us any given day, any given time in our life. The goal is achieving Tai Chi, having all of them flowing, having that balance. But we tend to gravitate to the energies that most define us. Fire energy is charisma. Confidence. Courage. Just the smallest light of fire can banish dark, and if you think about it, that’s extraordinary. Thunder energy is power. Inspiration. Thunder makes things happen.”

They were all staring up at me with rapt attention.

So I kept at it.

“Water is flow. Reflection. Healthy relationships. Boundaries.”

“You’ve sure got that last,” Lottie mumbled.

I shot her a look that might work on Juno but probably wouldn’t on Lots, but even so, I kept on.

“Lake is positivity. Optimism. Joy. Balance. And earth is nourishment. Taking care of yourself and others.”

“What’s mountain?” Evie asked.

“Wisdom,” I answered, then I held quiet, something nudging around the place of my heart. And that something took so much of my attention, when I kept on, it was like I was whispering to myself. “Constancy. Faith. Trust. A mountain has always been there, and always will be.”

I fell silent and I had no idea how long everyone in the room was silent with me, but it felt like it took a long time before I finally stopped centering on my heart and came back into the room.

When I did, Lottie declared, “I’m a flipping Taoist.”

“You totally freaking are!” Ryn agreed.

“Holy crap, like, maybe you balanced us all out,” Evie said.

“I knew your fixups weren’t random!” Hattie cried.

“Of course they weren’t random,” Lottie said, sounding miffed.

“I knew Boone and I weren’t random, for sure,” Ryn decreed.

“I totes thought you wanted to mess with Mag’s head with me, but now I see it,” Evie put in.

“Once I stopped being an idiot and got to know him, I also knew Axl was the balance of me,” Hattie said.

“Uh…hello,” I called.

Everyone looked at me.

“All that thunder and fire is awesome, definitely,” I stated. “But it’s the mountain energy I need.”

“Auggie is sooooooooooooo a mountain,” Hattie assured.

“Soooooooooooooooo,” Ryn asserted.

I wanted to believe that.

I did believe that.

But…

“I have to know that,” I returned. “For Juno and for me.”

“You can’t know shit,” Lottie retorted. “Though I will say that I agree that Auggie’s a mountain. But what’s really going on here, Pepper?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked back.

“I mean, we got it.” She flipped a hand. “Things have not been easy for you. Far from it. You have Juno to consider, and she’s important. But he’s been open with where he’s at with you. He fucks up, and then he breaks his back finding your brother for you, and it’s a dark bonus, but it’s a bonus nonetheless, him discovering that shit about your family. And you lose your mind when you hear women have been bitches to him.”

She shook her head in disgust.

And kept at me.

“And he’s not dumb by any stretch. He might not know about those energies, but with parents like he had, women fucking with his head, do you think he doesn’t get that he needs nourishment, balance, someone looking out for him? Finally? Never having had that in his life? I mean, you’re not only beautiful. You’re not only awesome. You’re a great mom. Auggie can put one and one and one together and want the three.”

“I think I need a cinnamon roll now,” I announced.

Hattie moved forward to pry one from the pan for me.

I went back to the cushions on the floor and dropped down on one.

Hattie handed me the gooey roll on a plate with a fork. I took up said fork and dug right in.

Lottie let me chew.

She let me swallow.

And then she didn’t let me get away with avoiding what she said.

“What’s really holding you back, Pez?”

I looked at her.

And I gave it all to them.

“I made a pact with myself. No men until Juno can emotionally understand what that means to me, and by extension, her.”

“In other words, no men, so when you try again, and he dicks you over like Corbin did, she wouldn’t be decimated, like she was when Corbin dicked you over,” Lottie deduced.

I stopped looking at Lottie and turned my attention back to my roll.

“Pez,” Lottie called.

I lifted my eyes to her.