First Comes Love

I swipe through the profiles. I see a man in a full suit of armor, as if he were going to a renaissance fair. His bio reads, "I'm hoping your standards are lower than mine." Swipe left. Another man sits in front of what appears to be a math textbook. He seems to be winking at stereotypes and his caption reads, "I'm the Asian for any occasion. I enjoy math and Pokemon." Swipe left. Another man with short, cropped hair has a zoomed-in profile picture of his angry, pockmarked face. His bio reads: "I don't give a shit what you look like because I'm not that good looking." Swift left. I sigh and tap my phone off. So much for Tinder.

I look at my watch. My lunch break is nearly over. I finish my sandwich and think about Lucien again. I have an exam scheduled with him in a few minutes to check on his fracture. I need to keep my cool. Hormones be damned. I have to keep this professional.

Consistency and firmness. No small talk. A professional distance. I mutter all of these things to myself, but as soon as Lucien enters the infirmary, all of this fades and again, I'm finding myself struck by his presence. He's the kind of guy who commands a room. I can't help but feel his confidence. His gaze suggests a depth of character that goes beyond the walls of this prison.

I ask the guard to remove his handcuffs and I take a look at him and ask, "How are your shoulder and arm feeling today?"

"I've had better days."

"But would you say you're feeling any better?"

"I'd feel a whole lot better if I weren't stuck in these four walls."

"Can you move your arms for me?"

Lucien carefully lifts his arm, and slowly rotates it in a semi-circular motion. I notice that his range of motion is improving.

"I'm still in a lot of pain."

"Well, you aren't out of the woods yet," I remind him. "You'll have some discomfort for a few weeks."

"It's not discomfort, it's pain. I know the difference."

"Has your pain subsided at all?" I ask.

"Off and on, but I could use an extra aspirin."

For a moment I consider whether I should give him the extra aspirin. His fracture is healing, but he probably is still experiencing some pain to the area. There are a few pretty stringent rules regarding the amount of painkillers we can give to inmates. Most of the time it can fuel addiction, start an addiction, or be used as currency in a place like this. But I decide to give Lucien the benefit of the doubt.

"I'll give you an extra aspirin this time, but we've got to start cutting back."

"It's just an aspirin we're talking about."

"We have rules here, and I need to follow them," I remind him, but then soften my body language and tone a bit. "But I know you need it. So here you go."

He smiles and we hold each other's gaze for longer than usual. I try to imagine what he'd look like in a different set of clothes beyond the prison garb. Who would he be? Just another man walking down the street, or perhaps shopping for a box of cereal? Would I even turn my head to look at him?

"Do you have an extra paperclip that I could have?" he asks.

"Excuse me?" I reply. His question comes out of left field and breaks my thoughts. I'm no longer envisioning him strutting across a crowded city corner, or shopping for groceries.

"I write," he continues. "I mean letters, journal entries, and things like that. It'd be nice to have a paperclip to keep my papers together, you know?"

"I can't do that. I'm a medical assistant here to make sure you stay healthy. I'm not your secretary."

"Come on. Just this once. What's the harm in a paperclip?"

"You know as well as I do that anything in this place can be harmful."

"So, what are you saying?"

"The only thing I'm saying is no. Request denied, Stone. There won't be any paperclips today. I've been here for six months, and I plan to be here for a while longer. I'm not going to get fired on account of a single missing paperc

lip."

Lucien laughs. "Fair enough," he says. "I'll take the aspirin and get out of your hair."

I watch as the guard walks back into the room and replaces his handcuffs. Lucien flips his sandy brown hair out of his eyes and I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to be held between his strong arms.