Falling for My Dirty Uncle

“Your wife,” I tell him. “She got tired of your cheating ass and wanted some proof so that she could ditch you.” Turning my back to him, I open the door to the closet and retrieve my small camera. I pick up my purse from a chair in the corner and throw the camera inside.

“Please, don’t do this,” Walter cries out once more, his voice now quivering. I look at him with one raised eyebrow and sigh; realizing that he has my attention, he goes down to his knees and claps his hands together in a praying position. “I beg you, don’t do this. You’ll ruin my life.”

“You should’ve thought of that before you decided to cheat on your wife. At least there’s still hope for her; maybe she’ll find a decent man now.” With that, I sling my purse over my shoulder, straighten out the front of my dress and, without bothering to look at Walter, I get out of the hotel room and close the door behind me. From inside the room comes a sound eerily similar to that of a grown man crying.

Oh, well.

Don’t think that I take pleasure from ruining men’s lives. This might be what I do for a living—luring men into traps—but I don’t do it on a whim. Before I take a job, I always do my research in order to be sure that the guy deserves it. And Walter Billingham deserves it.

Greedy businessman and unfaithful husband, he had it coming. Not that I’m surprised. I’ve met my share of businessmen, politicians and what have you … and I can’t say I’m very impressed by the one percent of the America. The way I see it, they’re all highly paid con artists, ready to sell their souls to the highest bidder. I’m the Universe’s reply to all that decadence—in a way I'd like to think of myself as karma made flesh.

A virgin avenger. That’s me.

I’m heading toward the main exit when I stop dead in my tracks, realizing that there’s a crowd outside the hotel. Judging from all of the cameras and cable news vans parked there, I’d say something big is happening. I heard that Jia Park, the South Korean ambassador, was staying here, so maybe it’s something to do with her.

Taking a deep breath, I take one of the side doors that lead to the street, and try to be as discrete as possible as I push my way through the sea of reporters.

“Yeah, he’s a disappointment,” I hear one of the female reporters say in an upset tone. “I thought President Bain would be different and I don’t--” I stop hearing what she’s saying when I distance myself from the crowd, but it’s not like I need to. Of course our new Commander-in-Chief, President Bain, is a disappointment.

If you’re dumb enough to believe anybody in this hellhole people like to call DC, you’re bound to be disappointed.

Washington Beat

President Player Caught Playing With His Python!

From the desk of Margie Preston – our quirky and irreverent political reporter.

It looks like President Austin Bain is using his time in office to come up to speed. Did you see how I took yet another sex scandal and did a double entendre?

But in all seriousness, critics of the President were quick to charge that he was cheapening the role of the office and no other voice was as loud as the ever-present critic of the administration, Speaker of the House Bob Walker.

“The President has a job to do that the American people elected him for, and I suggest he spend more time doing it, and less time learning the ins and outs of all the pretty Washington ladies,” the Speaker commented to me when I asked him what he felt about the current situation.

Allies are resolute however that the President really hasn't done anything wrong. In fact, they sort of have a point. Was there anything really wrong with a man finding comfort, or whatever you want to call it, in the arms of a woman? The President isn’t married. He’s not got a girlfriend as far as we can tell. No one exclusive.

Additionally, he hasn’t given up any state secrets. He hasn’t done anything criminal. He hasn’t lied about it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite according to those closest to him. An almost TMI like culture has developed around the President when he recounts his past experiences with women he has been known to associate with. Stories that are best “left in the locker room and not bandied about with men who no longer have the drive, stamina, or ability to match them,” according to one source.

So if anything, this has been just an embarrassment once again for a White House that has become used to having to excuse a single President’s extra-curricular activities. And while there may be nothing criminal about it, in the court of public opinion, the real loser here is Austin Bain.

And America.

America needs a decider. What we have instead is President Player.

That’s right. That’s my new name for Austin Bain apparently given to him by the media. President Player. And it’s this man’s job to somehow keep his finger ready on the nuclear launch codes all while he’s fixing schools and bringing back jobs.

I don’t know if we’re supposed to be excited. Or scared.

Because President Player has so much promise and potential. But it seems to get lost every time an attractive woman comes into the room. Will we be on the road to making America Tremendous Again? Or will it all end with the flushing of a condom down a toilet?

Only one man knows the answer to this question, and his answer will impact 320 million Americans.

And that man we call President Player.

It’s going to be a long, long four years. That’s for sure.

Austin

"'President Player' is breaking news sir," Tracy, my Chief of Staff says, slapping the front page of today's New York Daily Journal down on my desk.