A Mother's Secrets (Parent Portal 4)

“I’ve decided to use the embryos that Emily and I had frozen. To go forward with our plans to have a family.”

She nodded, buying herself time while she assessed him. He seemed perfectly rational. Calm, even, as he made the statement.

“I take it you’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“I have. For months. And I have no doubts. No hesitation.”

She was getting that.

And absolutely hated to have to deliver her next piece of information. The Parent Portal was not a surrogacy clinic. They could do the fertilization process, would happily do so, once he found a surrogate, but they didn’t hire women to have babies for others. She could refer him, though...

Searching her mind for the best option, she was already reaching for her drawer to pull out a brochure when he said, “You don’t approve.”

“My approval isn’t even a consideration here,” she quickly told him. “But for the record... I think I do approve, though I still don’t like that word. More to the point, I think it might be a great choice for you.”

Not for some, certainly, but perhaps for this man... “You and Emily...you’ve been a pair since you were in grade school.” She said out loud what she’d just read again a few minutes before. “It seems fitting that you would continue on with what she so clearly wanted more than anything else...to have a child that was a part of both of you.”

He nodded, cocking his head a bit as he seemed to assess her. Her words. “You get that,” he eventually stated.

Her shrug was accompanied by a smile. “It’d be hard not to, even after having only spent that one hour with the two of you.”

“Before that last surgery...” He broke off speaking, but didn’t break eye contact. “She made me promise that I would believe that we were going to have our baby,” he said. “For a while there, after she died, I was thinking she was just being her...you know...thinking of everyone else, of me...giving me something good to think about during surgery, but later, it dawned on me what she was really doing. She was, in her own way, begging me to continue on with our plans, whether she made it through the surgery or not.”

The words brought her a second of unease.

“So...you’re doing this for her,” she said, careful to keep her tone even. Having a child to honor his dead wife was...perhaps...a self-sacrificing noble gesture. For the wife. But a baby...a child...a life...

“You’re afraid I’m being selfish...thinking only of how badly I want this child...and trying to justify using Emily’s embryo without her specific consent.”

“Legally you have her consent, on that contract you both signed. Just as she had the sole and legal right to determine what would happen to your frozen specimen in the event of your death.”

He frowned. “So, what’s the problem?”

“Who said there was one?”

“Your tone of voice...”

So neutral hadn’t been a good choice. Either that or the man was uncannily observant.

“I just wondered, though it’s honestly none of my business, whether you were just doing this out of grief, and to honor Emily, as opposed to really wanting the child yourself. Like I said, none of my business...you have all legal rights to do as you’ve stated. But a child...that’s a lifetime commitment. And doing it alone...that’s not easy. None of it’s easy. It’s hard. And messy. And frustrating. And...”

“It’s standing by the crib alone, watching my child sleep,” he said, his gaze direct. “Having to do all of the middle of the night feedings alone. All the baths. Mastering all the learning curves. Cheering him or her on alone, making all of the tough decisions alone. And it’s bringing to life the miracle that will make life worth living,” he said. “Trust me. No one wants a child more than I do,” he said.

So maybe, back then, he hadn’t just been happy to give his wife whatever she wanted. He’d been happy because he’d known they both wanted the exact same things.

For a second there, Christine envied him—the widower sitting across from her. At least he had a memory of knowing what that felt like—to have someone in your life who not only shared your hopes and dreams but really needed them, too.

Having been alone for most of her adult life, pursuing her career and what drove her, she could hardly imagine how great such a shared life would be.

“Okay, so I assume you’re here to get the process started,” she said, pulling out her bottom right hand drawer, reaching into the proper file for the pamphlet she needed. They were all there, clearly labeled, easily accessible. “Unfortunately, we don’t provide surrogates here at The Parent Portal, but this would be my recommendation for a clinic that does. If you don’t like At Home,” she said, naming the clinic, “there are dozens of others in the state, and I’m sure one of them will work for you. Once you’ve chosen the surrogate, if you want us to oversee the fertilization process, on up through the birth, since that was Emily’s wish, we’ll be more than happy to do so.” When he didn’t immediately take the pamphlet, she slid it through the small pieces of three-dimensional art populating her desk to lay it in front of him.

He was nodding. Watching her. Pressed his lips together. Bit the lower one and then pressed them together again.

This was the emotion she’d expected when he’d first come in the door... Everyone reached that point differently.

She’d give him as long as he needed. Glanced at a multicolored porcelain horse, part of her collection, at her angel figurines, scattered in various spots on her desk, at a small metal heart-shaped sculpture...

“I’ve actually chosen the surrogate,” Dr. Howe said, in an odd tone of voice that had gone suddenly scratchy sounding. “Or, at least, I know who I want her to be,” he said. “She hasn’t yet said she’d do it.”