The Good Father

“Yes.”

“And now?”

“More than ever.”

“How does she feel?”

“I think she loves me. I’m afraid she’s never going to love anyone else. But she doesn’t want a relationship any more than I do. She’s been hurt too much. She knows my limitations.”

“What limitations? Have you done something, Brett?”

“No! Come on, Ma. You know every move I make. You know how I live, what food is in my fridge, what flight I’m on and probably what I order from room service since you do the expense accounts.”

“So what limitations?” She was his mother. And she wasn’t. She was something ethereal. Not real. Like talking to an angel in a dream.

“She calls it my inability to be all in. I call it being accountable to the dangers that lurk within me.”

“So you have them?”

“I’m sure I do.”

“Have you felt the burning rage?”

“I think so.” The night he’d thought Ella was being accosted. “I don’t let myself get that emotionally invested,” he said now. And then he told her about the tension that had built within him during his marriage. A tension that had had him snapping at Ella more often than not after they’d found out she was pregnant. The nightmares that had felt so real to him.

“Did you ever feel like hitting her?”

“No. Unlike Dad, I got out before it got to that point.”

“Burning rage doesn’t listen to

reason.”

Which was what made it so frightening.

He had so much to tell her. To ask her. And was afraid that every sentence she uttered might be followed by a click.

“Can I see you?” If they could just sit down. Have a real talk. If he could give her a hug and tell her—

“No. Nothing’s changed, son.”

“You’re talking to me.”

“I just found out you’re going to be a father. I thought you might have issues with that.”

Okay. He got the parameters now. It was a start.

“I do.”

“Can I help?”

Yeah, come into my life. Meet the mother of my child. Be a grandmother.

Thinking of Ella reminded him of that horrible conversation when she’d asked him his true feelings about the first time she’d been pregnant. He’d told her about his father being a wonderful father all those years...

“Were there signs, Ma? Before Livia got sick? Every memory I have of Dad back then is good.”

“He was a good father, Brett.”