Whatever It Takes (Bold As Love 3)

1

Emily

I’ve just left my exhausting job at a local coffee shop called Coffee Beans. I slide the key into the lock of our off campus apartment (thanks Dad and Mr. Benson) and hear the click as I turn it. I open the door and call out, “Jake?” as I walk in. His car is outside, so I know he’s home.

“In here,” he calls from the bedroom.

It’s about nine and he is probably exhausted. My poor love has hockey practice early in the morning and in the afternoon. Plus he has school, homework, and a job. I set my keys and purse on the kitchen counter as I pass it to go to the bedroom. Ah, there he is.

My love is laying on the bed, leaning against the headboard, eyes closed. His hands are behind his head and his lean, muscular torso is shirtless. I walk quietly over and straddle him. Jake’s eyes pop open and he gives me that loving smile that says he is happy to see me.

“Hey Sweetness.”

His voice is low and husky. I lean down and give him a kiss.

“Hey love. How was your day?”

I run my hands over his chest.

“It was okay. I’ll warn you, though. I might fall asleep while we’re talking. How was your day?”

“Better not. My day has been tiring. Roll over,” I instruct as I move off of him. He does as I say and I straddle him once more. I knead my hands into his back and give him what is a much needed massage.

“Mmm. You’re the best, you know that?”

“I sure do.”

Jake chuckles and closes his eyes as I continue running my hands over his back. After about thirty minutes, Jake is out like a light. I quietly move off him and walk over to our closet. Today marks four months since I lost the baby. I thought it would get easier, but every time I think about it, it’s just as bad as when it happened. I can’t not think about it. Standing on my tiptoes, I reach for the box that is hidden on the top shelf.

I grab it and bring it down to me. In the living room, I sit Indian style on the couch. Slowly, I open the box. Inside is that super soft teddy bear and white onesie I bought for the baby. I never told Jake that I bought something for the baby. This is something for me. It was something for my baby. I hold the bear in my hands and feel the plush softness below my finger tips.

With one hand, I clutch the bear to my chest as my other hand goes to my empty stomach. Having a baby right now would have been extremely hard, but losing the baby seems so much worse. I bite my lip in an attempt to stop the tears, but it’s no use. As I silently cry, I wonder if Jake even knows that today makes four months. He hasn’t mentioned anything. Every month since, we have done a little something in honor of the baby, but this time, we haven’t done anything.

It hurts to think that Jake might have forgotten. How could he forget when I thought about it everyday? When I'm not busy doing something, I am thinking about my baby. I would be seven months pregnant. I set the bear down beside me and pick up the onesie. This was going to be a surprise for Jake. Written across the chest were the words, “I have the world’s greatest daddy.”

“Sweetness?”

I toss the outfit into the box and wipe my eyes. I turn to see Jake leaning in the doorway. His arms are crossed and I can’t help but admire him. His sweatpants were hanging low on his hips and I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers over them.

“What ya got there?”

“Nothing,” I reply turning back to my box. I grab the teddy bear and throw it into the box before closing it. Jake walks over and sits beside me. Quietly, he speaks.

“Nothing, huh?”

I nod as tears stream down my cheeks. Jake pulls me to him and whispers into my hair, “I didn’t forget Sweetness.” His lips kiss the top of my head.

I clutch the box to me and ask the question that is always on my mind. “How am I supposed to move on without forgetting that it happened?”

“By continuing to do what we are doing. Get our educations. Find a job. Make a life for ourselves. Once we do that, we can have a family.”

I shake my head. The idea of having children terrifies me now. What if we lose another baby? What if it happens over and over? What if I get my hopes up, just for them to be destroyed every time I become pregnant? Each little creation of my love and I could die before we even get the chance to meet him or her. I can’t go through this again. Once was one too many.

I don’t voice my concerns to Jake, because I don’t think he will understand. I’ll keep these worries to myself for now. Jake would be relieved to know that I no longer blame myself. As he said, it just wasn't meant to be.

“I’m going to shower before I go to bed.” I stand and leave Jake behind. The box returns to its hiding spot on the top shelf behind a photo album. I walk over to our dresser and retrieve clean clothes.

I go into our adjoining bathroom and start the water before mindlessly undressing and climbing into the shower. The scorching hot water pelting my skin lifts the heavy thoughts from my mind. I stay in the shower a bit longer than necessary. The sound of the water splashing on the tile floor covers up the noise of any crying.

Dried off and dressed, Jake is already lying in bed. I climb in next to him and rest my head on his warm chest. He runs his fingers through my wet hair. “What’s your schedule like tomorrow, Sweetness?”

“I have school, but I’ve got tomorrow off work. You?”

“The usual. Practice, school, practice, work.”

“We never have the same day off. The only time I see you is at night. I can’t even wake up and tell you good morning because you are already gone.” Am I whining? Just a little. What can I say? I miss my love.

“I know, Sweetness. We’ll spend some time together this weekend. I don’t have to work. Do you?”

“Yes,” I grumble, causing Jake to chuckle. I prop myself up on my elbow and look at him. His fingers are still tangled in my hair. I was going to make a comment about how much he laughs at me, but my gaze drops to those luscious lips and I forgot all about it. I lean down and kiss him. There’s demand and lust. So much lust. Jake’s hands leave my hair and make their way down my hips. Jake rolls on top of me and I melt from the heat and weight of his body.

One thing is for sure. Jake isn’t very tired after that kiss. I would even go as far as saying that he is very alert.

2

Jake

God, this girl drives me crazy. One minute I’m exhausted and would like nothing more

than to sleep and the next I’m devouring Emily like there’s no tomorrow. Her sleeping, naked body is cradled against me and my fingers are trailing a path up and down her arm. I can’t help but think about that box. I know it’s somewhere in our bedroom. I also know that whatever is in it has to do with the baby.

I wish she would share that with me. But, I understand that sometimes Emily needs to handle it herself. I fall asleep wishing that I could take away all her pain from our loss. She has been doing well all things considered. To be sure, if she was having more trouble with this, she would talk to me about it. I'm her boyfriend and we're in love. To keep this relationship alive, communication is very important.

If there's no communication, then what is a person to do? Read their mind? Impossible. I hope that Sweetness isn't covering up her feelings and that she is doing as well as she seems to be.