Survivor in Death (In Death 20)
“Maybe we should sit down a minute.”
“Bloody hell. Bloody buggering hell.” He stalked to the door, booted it closed. “You can’t forget it, but you can live with it. And I have. I do. It doesn’t beat at me as it does you.”
“So maybe when it does, it’s worse.”
He leaned back against the door, stared at her. “I see myself lying in a puddle of my own blood and puke and piss after he beat me unconscious. And yet here I am, aren’t I? Damn good suit, big house, a wife I love more than life. He left me there, probably for dead. Didn’t even bother to throw me away as he had my mother. I wasn’t worth the trouble. Why should I give a damn about that now? But I wonder, what in God’s name is the purpose, Eve? What is the purpose when I come to this, and those children are dead? When the one who’s left has nothing and no one?”
“You don’t deal the cards,” she said carefully. “You just play them. Don’t do this to yourself.”
“I cheated and stole and connived my way to what I have, or to the base of it in any case. It wasn’t an innocent lying in that alley.”
“Bullshit. That’s just bullshit.”
“I’d have killed him.” His eyes weren’t devastated now, but winter cold. “If someone hadn’t done it before me, when I was older and stronger I’d have gone for him. I’d have finished him. Can’t change that either. Well.” He sighed, heavily. “This is useless.”
“It’s not. You don’t think it’s useless when I flood it on you. I like your dick, Roarke, like it fine. But it’s irritating when you think with it.”
He opened his mouth, hissed out a breath just before a choked laugh. “It’s irritating when you point it out. All right then, let’s finish this out with me telling you I went to Philadelphia today.”
“What the hell for?” She snapped it out. “I told you I needed to know where you were.”
“I wasn’t going to mention it, and not to spare myself your wrath, Lieutenant. I wasn’t going to mention it because it was a waste of time. I’d thought I could fix it—I’m good at fixing, or buying off if fixing won’t work. I went to see Grant Swisher’s stepsister. To talk to her about stepping in for Nixie, now that the legal guardianship’s been voided. She couldn’t be less interested.”
He sat now, on the arm of a chair. “I decided to make all this my concern. Magnanimous of me.”
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“Shut up. Nobody rips on you but me.” She stepped to him, caught his face in her hands, kissed him. “And I’m not because—even being pissed off about you taking an unscheduled trip—I’m proud that you’d try to help. I wouldn’t have thought of doing it.”
“I’d have bought her off, if that had been an option. Money fixes all sorts of problems, and why have so bloody much if you can’t buy what you like? Such as a nice family for a little girl. I’d already eliminated the grandparents—found the grandfather, by the way—on my high moral grounds. But the one left, the one I hand-selected, wouldn’t fall in.”
“If she doesn’t want the kid, the kid’s better off somewhere else.”
“I know it. I might’ve been disgusted with this woman’s callousness, but I was furious with myself for assuming I could just snap fingers and make it all tidy. And furious that I couldn’t. If it was tidy, I wouldn’t feel guilty, would I?”
“About what?”
“About not considering, not being able to consider keeping her with us.”
“Us? Here? Us?”
He laughed again, but the sound was weary. “Well, we’re on the same page there anyway. We can’t do it. We’re not the right people for it—for her. The big house, all the money, it doesn’t mean a damn when we’re not the right people.”
“Still on the same page.”
He smiled at her. “I’ve wondered if I’d be a good father. I think I would be. I think we’d be good at it, either despite or because of where we came from. Maybe both. But it’s not now. It’s not this child. It’ll be when we know we’ll be good at it.”
“That’s nothing to feel guilty about.”
“How does it make me any different from Leesa Corday? Swisher’s stepsister?”
“Because you tried to make it right. You’ll help to make it right.”
“You steady me,” he murmured. “I didn’t even know how far off-balance I’d been, and here you steady me.” He took her hands, kissed them. “I want children with you, Eve.”
The sound she made brought on a quick and easy grin. “No need for the panic face, darling. I don’t mean today, or tomorrow, or nine months down the road. Having Nixie around’s been considerable education. Children are a lot of bloody work, aren’t they?”
“Big duh.”