Crystal (Orphans 2)

I paused, and he searched anxiously for the answer in my eyes.

"We'll move on down the chart," he added.

"I'll be there," I said. We walked on to class. At lunch, Ashley couldn't wait to join me.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" she asked as soon as she put her tray on the table and slipped into the chair beside me.

"We only kissed twice," I remarked, my voice as coldly factual as could be.

"Only two? Why just two?"

"It's hard to explain it to someone who wasn't there," I said, "but it was all very scientific. Nothing bad happened."

She actually looked disappointed. "Did you like kissing him?"

"No. I mean yes. I mean . . . listen, I can't talk about it like this," I said sharply. "It makes it sound dirty."

She nodded as if she understood. "I'm not trying to make fun of you, Crystal. It's different for you and Bernie," she said sadly. "You're both so smart. I felt like I didn't belong there with you two, and I was frightened. If you ever want to tell me anything, I promise I'll listen and keep it all to myself."

I saw that although she couldn't be part of our experiments, she wanted to feel as though she was special, as though she was in on it and had clearance to know top-secret things. Ashley is still a little girl, I told myself. For her, this is all still a game, like "you show me yours, and I'll show you mine." However, if I drove her away, she could turn on us and might spread stories.

"Okay," I promised. "I'll tell you stuff when there's something to tell, when there are real, scientific conclusions."

She smiled. "Can you come over to my house Friday night and have dinner with me and my mother?" she asked. "My father is still away on a business trip," she added before I could ask. From the way she spoke about him, I understood that he was away almost as much as he was there. "Maybe you can help me with my math for the big test next week."

"I'll ask my parents," I promised. She beamed.

I understood that Ashley wasn't very popular and was rarely invited to anything. The other girls treated her as though she was socially below them, an outsider because of her size and timidity. Despite what had occurred at Bernie's house, I was rapidly becoming her best friend. She looked up to me and liked the fact that although the other girls weren't necessarily friendly, they were not anxious to challenge me head on, either. Years of institutionalized life had hardened my outer shell, perhaps. I was certainly unafraid of girls like Helga, back-stabbers who gossiped about you in the girls' room but shut right up when you were face-to-face with them. They had so many misconceptions about orphans. If they wanted to believe I was capable of scratching their eyes out, let them, I thought. Long ago, I learned that if I couldn't have another girl or boy like me for who I was, it was better they feared me. At least then I was safe.

As the school day drew to a close, I felt excitement building inside me like distant thunder on the horizon. Every once in a while, a small jolt of electricity shot through my heart. My stomach sizzled and didn't stop. I could barely eat dinner. How far would we go on Bernie's chart? When I gazed at the pages alone in my room, they felt like fire in my hands. The heat traveled up my arms and swirled around my heart. Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw how flushed my cheeks were and how charged my eyes appeared. Would Karl take one look at me and understand? Would Thelma, whose daily dose of passion through the television set could choke Venus?

"Are you feeling all right tonight, Crystal?" Karl did ask at dinner.

Thelma looked up anxiously.

"Yes," I said. "I'm just a little concerned about my first math exam:'

"Oh," Thelma said with a laugh. "You'll probably get a hundred. Won't she, Karl?"

"She'll do well," he agreed. "Being nervous about your tests is all right as long as it doesn't interfere with your performance. It's the students who don't worry about their tests who do the worst. You're a truly self-motivated young lady, Crystal. We're very proud of that, aren't we, Thelma?"

"What? Oh, yes, we are, dear. The other parents are going to be so jealous of us," she added happily. "Your school grades were one of the first things Karl considered, right, Karl?"

"Yes, they were," he admitted.

I gazed at both of them and thought for a moment. If I had received Cs instead of A's, they wouldn't have adopted me. It didn't seem right somehow to base so much on test results, certainly not when it came to making someone your daughter. If my grades fell off, would they give me back?

"Ashley Raymond asked me if I would have dinner with her and her mother this Friday," I said. "Would that be all right?"

"Actually," Karl said, "that would be perfect. I don't think we'll be back in time for dinner. I was going to have Thelma prepare something for you to heat up."

"Back in time? Where are we going, Karl?" Thelma sounded confused.

"Don't you remember, Thelma?" he asked softly. "We have an appointment with the doctors and administrator at the clinic concerning your father's condition. He's going to have to be moved to another facility where he can get more round-the-clock attention."

"I hate doing those things," she muttered. "Can't we just phone them?"

"No, dear. There are papers to sign. It won't take that long." He smiled at me. "Thelma doesn't like to remember sad things With the time it takes to go to the home and back, I didn't want you waiting on us for dinner, Crystal."