Twisted Roots (DeBeers 3)

"Oh honey!" Mommy cried, holding up her arms. "Let's not have any arguments or

unpleasantness now, not now when we've all got so much to be thankful for and happy about. okay?"

I nodded and went to her. She embraced me, kissed my cheek, and stroked my hair.

"What sort of a young man is this Heyden Reynolds?"

"Mommy, I just met him for a hamburger. We didn't get engaged!"

She laughed. -I know. I know. I was simply curious, that's all. It reminds me of when I started seeing boys as not just the other species." she said. and Miguel laughed.

I felt the walls come down, my defensive attitude slip away,

"His mother is Haitian and his father is a jazz musician who is hardly home. He has a fourteen-yearold sister, but she doesn't go to our school. She gets in trouble a lot, and he bears the brunt of it."

"Oh. Sounds like he has to carry a great deal of emotional and social baggage," she said.

"He does, and he doesn't have many friends at school. He transferred in for his senior year. Because of his father's traveling, they have had to move about a great deal."

"Well, be careful about how much you get involved with his problems. Hannah."

"You get involved with other people's problems." I reminded her.

"Yes, but your mother is a professional, trained and schooled in how to do that without it seriously impacting on her own life." Miguel said.

"I thought von wanted me to be a

compassionate person," I told Mommy. "You're always telling me to empathize, to feel the other person's pain so I can understand him or her."

"I just don't want you getting into anything too deeply. Hannah. Sometimes, we get ourselves into trouble even though we have every good intention, and we find ourselves trapped by our own decency and charity. It's all right to feel sorry- for someone, but its not all right to let that burden your own life. It's like someone who can't swim well trying to save someone who can't swim at all... the result is usually both drowning. What good is that?"

"I can swim."

"Your mother means emotionally. It takes wisdom, years, maturing to involve yourself deeply in other people's problems. Hannah,"

Everything they were saying sounded so right, of course, but at the same time, it did feel like they were \Tapping tight, nylon cords around me, binding me so tightly. I couldn't breathe. It made me furious inside. My nerve endings felt like Heyden's guitar strings. twanged.

"Bath Miguel and I want you to enjoy yourself, have fun, have a social life." Mommy said. "Don't misinterpret our concern for you. Okay?"

I nodded.

Then I blurted. "We're going to the movies tomorrow night. After we look at a possible new guitar he might buy and then have something to eat." I added.

"Tomorrow, but I'm coming home tomorrow. I thought we'd have a relaxing dinner and talk about little Claude and things we could all do together," Mommy said.

"How can you come home tomorrow? Aren't you breast-feeding him anymore?"

She smiled.

"Yes, of course. but I'll pump milk for him that will be kept refrigerated and come back twice a day until he is released."

"Pump? Ugh," I said. Miguel laughed.

"It's not as unpleasant as it might sound," Mommy said. 'In time I'll begin to alternate formula and slowly wean him off. There is a great deal of evidence that babies are healthier when they are breast-fed." she insisted,

"I already promised to meet him and go to the movies," I said in a snappy voice. I didn't want to hear how wonderfully she was going to treat little Claude compared to how I was treated when I was born in the midst of a shattered marriage.

"Well, of course, if you have already made plans."