Hidden Leaves (DeBeers 5)

"Maybe... maybe I'm no better than he was," I muttered.

She shook her head. "If this is wrong," she said, sniffing back her tears and pulling up her shoulders. "I hope I'm never right."

Willow, when people in love say they feel as if they are moving on a cloud. I understand,

I didn't remember getting up and going to her. I was just there and we were kissing each other and holding each other as if the whole world outside and around us had gone away, left us alone to be who we truly were inside ourselves.

"Tonight," I whispered, my lips grazing her cheek, "Tonight I will come to you."

7

My Buoyancy and Joy

.

There is definitely something about falling in

love that turns you into a little boy or a little girl again. Willow. Just like a child impatient with time that drags itself along like an old person indifferent to your anticipation. I looked at the clock constantly, trying to will the hour and minute hands to move faster. My stomach felt as if small springs were popping and bouncing inside it. I went to the mirror in my bedroom and checked myself a half dozen times. The only difference between me and an anxious teenager was the constant realization that what I was about to do was consummate a love affair, take action that would impact on my life and Grace's forever and ever. It should have given me pause. Willow. It should have stopped me at the door. But as they say, a team of wild horses pulling in the opposite direction couldn't have done so.

I was almost unable to go. Alberta appeared at my bedroom door. I had showered and shaved and dressed in something I thought made me more attractive, a nice light-blue silk shirt I had worn but once. I was actually toying with my hair,

experimenting with different ways of brushing it, when she was just there. She was in a nightgown.

"What are you doing?" she asked me. "Oh, nothing."

"Why are you s a nicely dressed?"

"Am I? I thought I hadn't worn this shirt since I bought it and--"

"Oh, forget about it," she said, not really interested in any explanation I might give anyway. "I have a terrible headache and nothing is helping tonight. I want one of those pills you give your patients."

I knew she meant Valium.

"I'm not fond of giving those out like aspirins. Alberta."

"Oh, stop being the doctor for one moment and be my husband. I had too much champagne this afternoon. That's all and I need something to help me relax. I'm on pins and needles. The election for president of the Woman's Club is being held tomorrow, and you know I'm running against two other women, neither of whom deserve it nor have worked as hard as I have for the organization."

I stared at her.

"You do remember the election, don't you. Claude? You do remember I was running for president?"

"Oh, yes. I just forgot how soon it was."

"How could you do that?"

"I'm sorry."

"You should have that expression tattooed an your forehead. Claude. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look. I need to relax," she insisted,

"Okay, okay." I thought a moment and then found some Valium for her. It was a weak dosage, but enough to do what she wanted done. Nevertheless. I felt evil. Willow. I felt as if I was putting her in a fog just so she wouldn't know what I was about to do and would do.

I gave her the pills and she returned to her own room to sleep and face the results of her Woman's Club election the following day. If she lost, which was in my mind very likely, she would be very difficult.

Since I hadn't told Miles anything about my plans, I expected he would be retired for the evening, but he surprised me and appeared the moment I came downstairs and headed toward the front entrance.

"Did I forget something on the schedule. Doctor?" he asked.

"Oh, no. Miles. It's something that just came up. It's all right. I'll drive myself back to the clinic."