Hidden Leaves (DeBeers 5)

"Yes," I said. "I do. but I don't want to," I added, and she smiled.

We were walking along the path that led us down to the river and then aver to the clearing where we had made love that wonderful warm afternoon. We sat and listened to the water and watched the birds who always seemed so busy around us.

"Maybe they're talking about us." I said. "Maybe they're telling other birds who will tell other birds until all the birds back in Palm Beach know the story of us. too."

"Why, Dr. De Beers, such romantic fantasy, and from a world-renowned psychiatrist, a man of science." she teased,

"If all we have is our science, our chemicals, and our laws of Nature. Grace, we're truly deprived. Beauty is indefinable and not something we can create in a test tube, nor is love," I said. "Nor is love."

Her eves glassed over with tears, and she turned away from me and pulled her knees up like she used to when we had first taken these therapeutic walks together. She looked like a little girl again, and just far a few moments, we were both like teenagers, discovering each other, discovering the best in ourselves. I kissed her and held her. We remained that way for a long time. We were actually out there until the sun began to sink behind a row of trees and it grew cooler.

"We had better go back," I said.

For a while we walked holding hands, and then, when the clinic came

into view and others could see us. I let her go. I felt as if she was already drifting away from me then, and my heart ached. Willow.

The next day she called Jackie Lee, and then Jackie Lee phoned me and I told her yes, it was time for Grace to go home. She would be fine now.

"I hope so." Jackie Lee said.

That night I took another picture of you. Willow, and then I brought it back to the clinic and gave it to your mother. Some time later she sent me a box, Fortunately, Alberta didn't see it arrive. When I opened the box, I found a doll she had made. the face so clearly modeled after yours. I put it away to save for you. She used the pictures of you well.

I tried to keep myself occupied the day your mother left the clinic, but it wasn't working. She was waiting for the car to arrive to take her to the airport. Jackie Lee had made the arrangements and wasn't coming to escort her.

"If she can't come home herself. she is certainly not ready to come home." she declared. In a sense she was right about that. I had no doubt Grace could do it anyway.

Finally I went to her room. I could see in her face that she had been hoping I wouldn't.

"I don't want to say goodbye. Claude. If you've come here to do that..."

"No, not goodbye. I'm here to be sure everything is fine. I do that with any patient I've released," I said.

"You're not a good liar. Claude De Beers." she said. "Despite all your talents, you can't do that well. At least not when your heart isn't in it."

I laughed and went to her window to look out. How many hours had she spent here? I thought. gazing at this scene. It wasn't something she would soon forget.

"Remember when I first came here. I asked you who had been in this room before me?"

"Yes," I said.

"What will you say when someone new comes and is assigned to this room?"

"I'll say a wonderful, beautiful person came through this clinic and taught me far more than I taught her. I'll say she's left me, but she's not gone."

"You might frighten the new patient saying things like that."

"I doubt it. I mean that. Grace. You're not going to be gone, not ever."

She smiled at me with that new, wise look of hers that made me feel more like the patient being humored.

"Listen to me," I said, seizing her hands in mint. Some day I'm going to come to you. I'll charter a boat and I'll come sailing into that little harbor of yours. I'll come at night, so look for me. It will be a surprise. One day, one night. I'll just be there."

"Do you want me to believe that. Claude? Do you really want me to have that hope?"

"Yes," I said.

I regretted saying that almost immediately after I did. Willow. It was selfish of me. I was asking her to wait for me, not to fall in love with anyone else, to believe in some romantic miracle. I knew always that the more time that passed, the more impossible that would be. There were too many other people to consider, not least of all you.