“It was all to make sure I could do the best possible job for you all,” she said. “I don’t simply walk into a new assignment cold.”
I smiled. “Yes, I’m sure you don’t,” I said. “Well, maybe you don’t know it all. You said when this sort of thing happens to people who have an only child, it’s especially devastating to the mother.”
“In my experience, yes,” she said.
“This did happen to people who have an only child.”
“Excuse me?”
“My mother never saw us as anything but two halves of one daughter. Kaylee and I once had an argument over how she used the word you when she referred to us or either one of us. You know, you is one of those words that can refer to many or just one. Well, when Mother used it, she meant only one, us, Haylee and Kaylee. She’s missing half of each child,” I said bitterly.
“Do you feel you’ve lost half of yourself, too?”
Oh, so here’s where the psychoanalysis comes in. Careful, I thought. Don’t get too far ahead, and don’t be too smart for yourself.
I pressed my lips together hard, which always helped me make my eyes teary when I wanted them to be, especially when a teacher was reprimanding me.
“Yes,” I said in a little girl’s voice.
“Nothing is confirmed yet, Haylee,” she said, her voice far more compassionate. “You mustn’t lose hope. I know how difficult it must be for you, but if you can keep up a confident appearance for her, your mother will get stronger and maybe help herself more, which will only make things easier for both you and your father. It’s a great deal to put on your shoulders, I know.”
“I told you, I’m not a child. I can handle it.” I was talking again without thinking. I forced my face to tremble. “In front of her, I mean,” I added. “Everyone’s going to blame me, you know,” I blurted. Now I was really crying. “I should have spoken up sooner. I shouldn’t have gone along with her crazy plan. She’s not here, so I’m the one they can blame. It won’t be the first time we were both punished for something only one of us did.”
“No one should blame you for loving your sister and wanting to keep her loyalty and faith in you. Those were good motives. In the end, we’ve all got to face the fact that we’re responsible for ourselves. Your sister’s mistake was her mistake. She brought this on herself. But let’s not rush into more tragedy, Haylee.”
“That’s not completely true. Parents are responsible for their children,” I said. “It’s not fair to put the blame entirely on Kaylee. Mother made us the way we are, and my father fled instead of changing things.”
“I see. You’re very angry with your father, aren’t you?”
Here we go, I thought. The psychological X-ray.
“We both are . . . were,” I said. “We seem to have everything any girl our age would want except a happy family life. It’s not fair. Parents shouldn’t have children if they’re going to care more about their own happiness and desert them.”
She stared a moment too long for my comfort. I could almost read her thoughts now. Her s
uspicions were expanding. She was weaving them in her mind the way a spider weaves its web.
“What?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“If this is something you both planned in order to punish your parents, especially your father, it will not go well for either of you, Haylee. It’s best if you tell me now.”
“What?”
I almost started to laugh when it suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. Lofter might also be working with the police. Perhaps she would report to them about me, about how I was really reacting to my sister’s disappearance, or maybe she would start asking me more detailed questions to see if there were any contradictions. She wasn’t here simply to help us with Mother and to help Mother deal with Kaylee’s disappearance; she was here to spy on me, too. I was sure of it.
“Okay. You might as well know everything,” I said, as if I was exhausted from the burden of heavy secrets.
“Oh?” She leaned forward.
Looking for a confession? I thought. Look again, Mrs. Lofter. You’re the last person to whom I would confess.
“You’re not entirely wrong with your suspicions,” I said.
“I see. Please explain.”
“I don’t like talking about Kaylee like this.”
“It’s for her own good.”