“I’m pretending to be strong, Ryan. It’s all an act I do for my parents’ sake. I’m not strong,” I said, and pressed my face against his chest. He hesitated and then embraced me again. I lifted my head slowly and looked into his eyes, mine soaked in tears that I was sure were so authentic-looking that it would take a chemist to determine if they were mine or a crocodile’s.
“You’re strong to me,” he said.
“It feels so good to have someone with your strength holding me, Ryan, especially now.”
I brought my lips closer to his, and then he kissed me, and I surrendered myself again to him. At least I was sure that was how he saw it. I never really surrendered myself to any boy. The trick was always to let them believe you did, when you were actually in control, getting them to move the way you wanted when you wanted them to. Some boys I’d met in school were so easy to arouse that I called them the hair-triggers. Kaylee thought that was obscene, but the girls who clung to me and my words were always titillated.
After we finished, I cried real tears, but they were tears of joy. I had hit a new record for orgasms. He couldn’t stop kissing my tears away and telling me that he would stand by me and do anything I needed. I luxuriated in his promises the way I might in a warm b
ubble bath, soaking up every word, every sentence followed by a kiss instead of a period.
We lay side by side, my head on his chest, dozing under a blanket of warm contentment. And then, suddenly, both of us woke to the sound of my mother shouting in the hallway. I sat up when she tried to open my bedroom door, shaking the handle roughly. We could hear Mrs. Lofter beside her, urging her to return to her room.
“Where are you girls?” Mother yelled, and she slapped the door so hard I was sure her palm would be beet-red. “There are people downstairs waiting to see you. They’re asking about you. I told them you would play something on the pianos.” She shook the door again.
Ryan sat up, looking petrified.
We heard Mrs. Lofter cajoling her. She lied and said that Kaylee and I were at a school event. I imagined it was the first thing that came to her mind. After a few more moments, we heard them walk away, Mother whining like a child. Neither of us spoke until it was deadly quiet again.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “My mother’s not right in her head.”
“Play something on the pianos? Doesn’t she know Kaylee’s missing?” He looked so shocked I thought I might start laughing.
“It’s something Mrs. Lofter calls preventive disbelief. It’s too painful for my mother to face what’s happened, so she refuses to believe Kaylee’s gone, or her brain refuses. Mrs. Lofter’s not just any nurse, Ryan, she a psychiatric nurse.”
“But . . . Kaylee’s obviously not here. She can see she’s not here, right?”
I shrugged. “It’s very complicated. I don’t understand it all myself. I hope, we hope, she returns to reality soon, as dreadful as that is, but for now, there’s not much more to do. She’s on some medication and has the special nurse. Anyway, you saw firsthand how horrible all this is for me. Not only is my sister gone, but it’s like my mother is gone, too.” I turned onto my stomach and pressed my face to the pillow.
He was all over me, kissing me and swearing he would stay by my side. “I’ll be here as much as you want, and when you return to school, I’ll be right beside you every moment I can,” he said.
I turned around again and reached up to stroke his handsome face. I wanted him here now, but if it was going to be this easy to get any boy I wanted anytime I wanted him, I wouldn’t want Ryan haunting me. “We’ll see,” I said. “You’re so sweet. We have to get up, and I’ll show you out. I’d rather you not have to face my mother just yet. She’ll just get more confused, and my father will blame me.”
I could see that facing my mother was something he’d rather not do, either. We dressed and went downstairs quietly, moving as silently as possible, like two burglars. Daddy wasn’t home yet, so no one noticed Ryan. After he was gone, I made myself a snack and then called some of the girls who practically worshipped me. I soaked up their sympathy and promises like someone raising funds for a charity. I really called them because I wanted to see how many knew about Ryan Lockhart and me. As I’d expected, Rachel Benton had been moaning to everyone about my stealing her boyfriend. She was in a bind, because she looked bad for complaining about his helping me at such a horrible time for me and my family, and yet she couldn’t help feeling robbed. It was difficult for her to say any of the nasty things I knew she had believed about me even before Ryan had begun seeing me.
Everyone I spoke with wanted to come over to be with me, but I didn’t want them to, for two reasons. I certainly didn’t want them here when Ryan was here, and frankly, Mother’s behavior was embarrassing. I knew I would grow tired and bored explaining it. However, I was sure Ryan would say something to someone now, and it would get out. Few would want to come here once they had heard about her. Eventually, when I was back in school, I was sure my mother’s condition would add to the feelings of sympathy my teachers and the other kids would direct my way. I realized, however, that there was just so much of that I could take. After a while, I would want to get back to fun. I wasn’t worried. Time would clear the way for me. After all, who wanted to keep saying things like “I’m sorry for you” or “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Help me get past it,” I planned to say. “Don’t talk about it anymore. Try to act like nothing’s different.”
The sooner they did that, the sooner I could.
When Daddy got home, he came directly to my room. I had just finished another phone call and was lying there trying to think of something enjoyable to do. I had no interest in completing the homework that had been sent to me over the Internet. I didn’t want to watch television or even put on earphones and listen to music. For the first few days after Kaylee’s disappearance, I had thought doing any of that would look insensitive. Sometimes, however, I couldn’t help it, and I did turn on the television but with the volume almost too low to hear. After a little while, that seemed boring; even my favorite soap opera held little interest. I used to copy the flirtatious techniques some of the actresses performed. Now it was like putting blanks in a gun or something. I was certainly not challenged by Ryan anymore.
Still, it was painful avoiding everything. I had never been fond of silence, but now I was afraid of falling into thoughts about Kaylee. What I didn’t need to do was nudge my conscience and wake it up. I was comfortable telling myself that what had happened was mostly Kaylee’s fault anyway. Who had asked her to butt into my private life? She was more Mother’s daughter than I was in that way. She was practically convinced that neither she nor I could have a private life without the other being involved. Well, now she was involved. How did she like it? I had been doing just fine with Anthony by myself. It had been amusing to me, but she wouldn’t leave it alone, threatening to tell Mother or even Daddy. I was sure that if she could do it over again, she wouldn’t be so annoying.
When Daddy knocked and came into my room, he saw me lying with my arms folded across my breasts and glaring angrily at the ceiling, frustrated. Sex was nice, but it was only a distraction. I was still locked up here. In a weird way, I was as trapped as Kaylee.
I lowered my eyes and looked at him. It was clear he was feeling sorry for me.
“What a mess,” he said.
“Something new?”
“No, nothing. So far, everything’s been a dead end, but I can see what this is doing to you, as well as to your mother and me.”
“I’m just so angry about it, Daddy. If I could get my hands on that horrible man for just a few minutes . . .”
He nodded. “You and me both. Look. Mrs. Lofter is bringing your mother’s dinner to her in her room tonight. I thought you and I should get out. We’ll go to a restaurant I know that’s about fifteen miles from here, so we won’t have to confront anyone we know. What do you say? I think it would be good for us.”