Dirty Secrets (Get Dirty 4)

I’m probably in shock too, from the stark reality of what could’ve happened to those women, and definitely from seeing Tony shot right in front of me. I don’t forgive him, not Tony, not Victor, and not Dominick. But I can see the grey like Maggie said. I can understand that there are good guys on the wrong side, and sometimes even they have to do awful things for the greater good. It’s a harsh justice, but it is righteous in a dark way.

And in this moment, I know it. I’m his, no matter what. The curtain is down, the magic is gone, and he’s still all I want.

“Even after all this?” he asks. “I feel like the devil is holding your hand, and you’re asking me to just let you go because he’s nice to you and said some pretty words. But he is a monster, make no mistake.”

I take a big breath, trying to put into words what I’m feeling, trying to make him understand. “TJ, once upon a time, you told me that ballet wasn’t worth what it had done to me. It fucked up my body and fucked up my mind. You told me to walk away from it, and I could’ve done that. But I knew that ballet was my soul, and no substitute would fulfill me the way dance did. But I knew, so I worked my ass off, healed my body, which was the easy part, and eventually, I got my head right, which was so much harder. And then I found a way to dance again. A way that is healthy for me. Not the way I imagined as a child, but at Petals, and now at the studio too. Something that had been bad for me in a lot of ways, dance . . . I’ve made it into my sanctuary again, like it should’ve always been. Dominick may be bad for a lot of reasons, and to a lot of people. But he’s good for me and good to me. And that’s enough. He’s my sanctuary. Not the life I envisioned, not the one you keep telling me to chase, but one I want to live if it’s by his side.”

TJ frowns. “But if that analogy is true, what if he’s what ballet was for you back then? The thing that fucks you up again, maybe worse than before?”

It’s a thought that’s run around in my head, and I smile softly because I already have the answer. “Then I’ll have you to help me. If I could go back in time, knowing all the hell I went through, I would still start ballet. I would still want that first tutu when I was three, would want to push myself to begin pointe classes at nine, would still go on every audition that turned me down. Because it made me who I am. And TJ . . . I like who I am. If Dominick ends up being like that, something that gives me purpose, gives me joy, and then at some point destroys me, I will burn knowing that I chose it. That I wanted every moment of happiness, knowing that the devastation might come. Would you give up every happy memory you have with Janine because of how it ended? Would you trade the inside jokes, the joy you felt when you fell in love with her, the beauty of how you came together if you didn’t have to feel the pain you’re in now? Or is the loss of that happiness what makes you angry?”

I can see the shine of tears in his eyes. I hate that I’m prying at a scab that is so sensitive, but I need him to support me, even if he doesn’t understand.

“I don’t feel like I’m doing the right thing here, but I need to go and let you figure this out, don’t I?” he says, resigned to my choice.

I lift to my toes, planting a kiss to his cheek. “I’m okay, TJ. I promise.”

He sighs heavily but steps back, nodding. “Okay, I’ll trust you. I’m gonna go for a walk, call an Uber or something to go back to the hotel. I need to think some shit through. It’s been a weird night.”

I give him one more hug and he pats my back. “No matter what, I’ve got you, Allie-gator. Love you, Sis.”

I smile, my eyes puffy and burning with held-back tears, but these are happy ones. It’s not a perfect parting, but considering all the drama of the night, it’s pretty damn good.

“Love you too. And I’ve got you. And remember, my offer to beat the shit outta Janine still stands anytime you wanna take me up on it.”

“Same offer to you. Anytime you need me to, I’ll kick his ass,” he says, smiling, but the look in his eyes says he means it.