Broken Flower (Early Spring 1)

"Are we going to have enough money?"

"Sure we will. Don't worry so much," she said, running her hand through my hair. "We're going to do just fine, honey, just fine. Your grandmother doesn't think we can live without her, but she's in for a big surprise. Just let me worry about all that. Be a little girl," she said. "As hard as that is for you." Her lips started to tremble again.

"With all this, he chooses to be so selfish," she said, sucked in her breath quickly, and rose. "Come on, we're going to have a fun dinner tonight. Brush your hair and meet me out in the living room. Ian's almost ready," she said.

She took us to a place called the Crazy House. It was a restaurant where the waiters and waitresses were dressed in funny outfits, shirts and pants that didn't match, two different shoes and socks, dresses that were too big or too small. The waitresses had their lipstick on too thick or off their mouths, too. Occasionally, they would do things wrong

deliberately and there were silly songs playing. The menu had food described in a funny way, too. There was the Paranoid's Delight, which was really a hamburger but with an extra half of a bun, Neurotic Shakes, and Claustrophobia, which was meatballs and spaghetti that had to be served on two plates. Ian Eked the restaurant Yen, much. Mama said she thought considering all that had happened, we belonged there. Despite it all, we had a very good time. I never saw Ian laugh as much. His eyes looked a lot better and he was able to eat without pain.

In my secret heart of hearts. I was hoping Daddy would be there when we returned to the cabin. I was hoping he had regretted all the bad things he had done to Mama and he had returned to apologize and be her to forgive him, but he wasn't there. When we drove in, the smiles and laughter seemed to evaporate. We didn't say much. Mama went upstairs to put some things together and Ian and I watched television.

"Are you mad at Daddy?" I asked him. I wasn't sure how I should feel toward him.

"Yes and no," he said. "How can it be both?"

"I'm mad at him for what he did, but I'm not surprised. I doubt any of this will change him either. We just have to stick together and help each other. Jordan, especially Mother. You have a double whammy."

"What's that mean?"

"You have to grow up faster because of what's happened to your body and now this."

"You have to grow up faster, too," I said.

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "I grew up years ago," he said. He turned back to the television set.

Maybe he did. I thought, but did that make him happier? Fit didn't have many friends because he was so much smarter than ever one else his age. When Flora had asked me if he had a girlfriend or even if he once had one and I said no. I suddenly wondered why not. He wasn't ugly. There were girls who thought he was cute and handsome. Did I dare ask him? I was afraid to, afraid to get him angry at me again. Mama might hear and get even more upset.

Ian went to bed before I did. When I finally did, it was difficult to fall asleep. Maybe I had slept too much during the day, but every time I closed my eyes. I thought I heard the sound of a car coming into the driveway and then listened hard for Daddy's footsteps on the steps and porch. Before I had gone to bed. I had stood there by the window for the longest time waiting to see a car's headlights. I guess it was just wishful thinking. Finally. I fell asleep, but it seemed like I had drifted off just before morning because my eves snapped open when the sunlight washed over my face. I had forgotten to close my shades.

Mama was in my room before I sat up. "Don't forget your medicine every morning" she said. "We can't let any of this interfere with your medical problems, Jordan."

I took my dosage and then I asked her if Daddy had come back. Perhaps he had while I had slept and I hadn't heard him.

"No. Jordan," she said. "This is not a children's story. It doesn't have a happy ending. I'm afraid. Come on. Get yourself up and dressed. There are things to be done."

I did as she said.

Ian was already in the kitchen having breakfast. "Are we still going horseback riding today?" he asked.

I had forgotten all about that. I looked quickly at Mama.

"Of course," she said. "We have reservations. Your father's leaving is not going to stop us from doing fun things together."

Ian didn't look happy or unhappy about it. He nodded thoughtfully.

"You know I read about this program for disabled children in which they use horses to help them. Somehow, riding energizes them. Some even stop being disabled for a while."

"Really?" Mama asked. "That is interesting, Ian."

"Maybe they'll cheer us up," he said, and I wondered if in his mind we were considered disabled now.

Mama did, too. I could see it in her face, in the way her eyes narrowed and looked like they were filling with pain.

"You must never, ever think of yourselves as anything less because of what's happened between your father and me," she said as firmly as I heard her say anything. "Do you hear me, Ian?"

"Of course I don't think that way," he replied. "I am what I make myself," he said.

It sounded like he needed no one, not Daddy, not Grandmother Emma, not me, and not Mama, but Mama still smiled.