Scattered Leaves (Early Spring 2)

"Tell, do I have a right to exist?' he asked me.

I told him in this world even a black widow has a right to exist. Existence is in and of itself a reason to exist, Itwouldn't have been created if nature didn't want it created. Once something is born, no matter what it is, it fights to stay alive, so it must have as much of a right to exist as anything.

He looked confused for a moment and then he smiled and said that I had given him something interesting to ponder.

"See?" I told him then. 'Thinking is what gives you meaning. Without me, you wouldn't have a reason to be."

He laughed. Despite his orders concerning n e, I think he's getting to like me. I don't care, of course, but I might find to use that someday. He'll trust me,

Which brings me to why I'm writing this letter to you, Jordan. Do not trust our father, especially if Grandmother Emma dies. I'm not sure yet, but I think when that happens, he-will turn into a spider and you might get caught in his web.

I'll let you know what else I learn,

Ian

.

This letter frightened me so much that I threw it down quickly and took deep breaths. Then I folded it and stuffed it into the envelope. I put all the letters back in the bag and hid them again in the closet, closing the door as if I thought they could come crawling out like the insects Ian had described. Oh, why did I start reading his letters now? I asked myself. Because I had. I was afraid to go to sleep. afraid I would surely have nightmares. My gaze went around the bedroom, searching for any spiders, flies, anything. I did see a small spider in the corner and quickly squashed it with the back of my history book. Then I wiped it off and went around the room searching for any other insects. I saw none. but I had to look under the bed. too.

"What are you looking for. dear?" I heard Great-aunt Frances ask. I stood up. I hadn't heard her come up the stairs and down the hallway. Maybe that was because she was barefoot.

"Bugs," I said.

"Oh, you mustn't worry over bugs. No matter what we do, they'll come around. Ignore them and they'll leave." she said. "I've decided to go to sleep earlier tonight and be sure to set the alarm clock so I don't oversleep and let you go off without a proper breakfast again. We'll have scrambled eggs and toast and hot chocolates together. okay? And before I forget," she said, coming into the room. "here's more money for lunches and whatever else they ask you to pay for at school. I remember they sometimes ask you to put deposits down on things or make you buy the school physical education uniforms."

She handed me a fifty-dollar bill.

"I swear that bill has been in my pocket for twenty years," she said. "Don't tell Emma," she whispered, as if Grandmother Emma had been just down the hallway in that nice bedroom.

Suddenly, a panic came over me. She saw it in my face and she looked like I had stolen her breath. She brought her hand to her breast.

"What is it. Jordan?'" I started to cry.

"Oh, dear, what is it?"

"I forgot. My teacher told me I have to wear a brassiere or she won't let me in her room."

"A brassiere? Yes," she said. nodding., "you should wear a brassiere. Well, don't cry. Let's go look for one that will fit."

She went to the dresser where many of her things remained and started to sift through the drawer.

"I wasn't all that much older than you are when I started to wear one. My mother insisted. Rather. Emma made her insist." she told me. "She said I 1.k.ras an embarrassment because I was younger than she was and I needed it and she didn't. She didn't want to be seen with me. Now where did I put... here we go," she said, pulling a brassiere out from under some panties. "I'm sure this will do fine."

I took it from her. It looked faded, more yellow than white, but the clips that fastened it were fine.

"See? Nothing to cry over." She stood up and smiled. "Did you brush your teeth? Don't forget." she sang and headed out.

I put the fifty-dollar bill in my schoolbag with my books, then went to the bathroom to wash and brush my teeth. I took the brassiere with me to try it on. It felt too tight, and I thought it might stop me from breathing when I managed to fasten the clips. It cut into my skin as well, but what could I do? It was a relief to get it off when I went to bed.

My first day at school, with all the added excitement and tension, had drained me more than I imagined. I don't think I'd ever fallen asleep as fast. I tossed and turned, however, and thought I heard sobbing again, but this time I was too tired to listen hard. It's just a dream, I told myself and fell into a deeper sleep. If Great-aunt Frances hadn't turned on her alarm clock and come to wake me. I would have overslept again for sure. Even so. I was in a daze getting myself washed and dressed. It took forever this time to get the brassiere clips hooked, and again. I felt I would suffocate. By the time I descended the stairway and entered the kitchen. Great-aunt Frances had prepared the breakfast she had promised.

"I hope you like everything. I'm afraid I burned the toast a

It was more than a little burned. but I didn't complain. The eggs weren't cooked enough either and had too much salt on them. The only thing that tasted good was the hot chocolate. I ate what I could, and when she wasn't looking. I dumped out the rest. Alanis came to the door just as I finished.

"Good. You got up yourself this time." she said.

"No. My great-aunt woke me," I said.