Heartsong (Logan 2)

"Maybe," I said. I nodded at the work table. "Thank you for the sailboat."

He smiled and watched me descend. When I entered my room, however, I gazed up at the ceiling. Now that I knew it was there, I could see the small hole. A second later, it was darkened. Cary had covered it.

But had he closed his heart on all that had made him drill the hole? Only time would tell, I thought.

What had he seen down here and what had it done to him? I wondered. How confusing and wonderful, exciting and yet frightening sex was, I thought. I didn't tell May, of course, but I could see it was the greatest mystery about ourselves. It inspired us, made us do creative things and yet strange things, weird things.

May had turned to me for answers on the beach, answers I had no idea myself where I would find. In a real sense both she and I were orphans. She had a mother who refused to acknowledge her needs and I had no mother to help me with mine. Whatever discoveries I made through my awkward stumbling, I would bring to May so she would benefit. Perhaps this was another reason why I was brought here, I thought.

But all these good plans and good intentions were soon to be shattered.

Uncle Jacob apparently had walked in on May and Aunt Sara just as May was signing a question that made Aunt Sara turn blue in the face. And what followed was about as furious as a hurricane. I had just gone down to see what I could do to help with dinner, but when I reached the bottom of the stairway, I heard Uncle Jacob call my name. He spit it out the way he spat out hateful Biblical names like Jezebel and Satan, Delilah and Cain.

I stepped into the living room. He was standing near the fireplace and when he turned, it looked as if embers from the fire had jumped into his eyes. There was no doubt that if he could have set me afire and turned me to ash, he would have done it in a heartbeat. I held my breath. No one had ever looked at me with such disdain. It chilled me to the bone.

"How dare you?" he said. "How dare you come into my home and pollute my child? I warned you about this. I told you it was in your blood."

I shook my head, tears of confusion clouding my vision.

"What have I done?"

"You have filled her mind with unclean thoughts, with pornography."

"I have not. All I did was tell her how babies are made. What's wrong with that? She's old enough to know these things now and you and Aunt Sara should be telling her more."

His eyes widened.

"Your mother was a whore," he said through clenched teeth. "It's no surprise she bore a daughter like you." He nodded, satisfied with his thoughts. "The old sayings are full of truth. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I forbid you to talk to May on this subject, do you understand?"

I shook my head defiantly at him and recalled the Biblical quotation Cary had given me at lunch.

"Judge not that ye be not judged," I fired back at him.

He recoiled as if I had been big enough and strong enough to slap his face. His mouth moved, but nothing came out. He backed up a bit and then waved his finger at me, but not as firmly or with as much confidence as before.

"Just . . . mark my words," he said and turned his back on me.-

I spun around just as Cary came down the stairs. I was crying now, the tears streaming down my cheeks. "What's wrong?"

"The high and the mighty Logans have spoken again!" I spit through my teeth and charged up the stairs.

"Where are you going? It's dinner time."

"I'm not hungry. I'd rather starve than sit at the same table with him anyway," I cried and went into my room, slamming the door behind me. My body shuddered with my sobs. When I stopped to take a breath, I saw that Cary had put the beautiful sailboat on the shelf.

I went to it and wiped my cheeks as I stared at the tiny parts and the two people inside the cabin, looking happy and in love.

"No wonder Laura got into a sailboat with Robert," I muttered. "She just wanted to get away from here, get away from all this."

They did, but they died to do it, I thought. I looked at Laura's picture on the dresser.

Did you know what would happen to you that day, Laura? Did you deliberately sail into a storm? Maybe you were running away from a lot more than they all knew, or maybe you had seen something beyond the darkness, something more attractive and full of more hope. I wish I had known you; then maybe together we could have confronted the Logan misery.

I went to the window and gazed out at the ocean. The horizon seemed to mark the edge of the world. No wonder people believed you could fall off if you sailed too far. Tonight I wished I could do that. I'd rather take my chances in another world and escape the misery, the sadness, the deceit, and the loneliness I found in this one.

Almost two years before, Laura had stood at this window and looked out at that dark horizon. Did she see an answer? Did she see hope?

I wear your clothes and I sleep in your bed, and maybe, just maybe, I dream your dreams, Laura. Do I?