My Sweet Audrina (Audrina 1)

Without another protest, my aunt entered the house and slammed the door. Papa put Sylvia on the porch and released her hand. Immediately she began to wander about, aimlessly heading this way, then that, turning to clumsily bump into a wicker rocker, to upset a potted fern placed on the white wicker stand, so that the fern tumbled off the stand before it, too, fell over.

Oh! “She’s blind, isn’t she, Papa?” I cried, all of a sudden realizing why her eyes were void and couldn’t focus. “Why didn’t you tell me that a long time ago?”

“It would be better if she were blind,” said Papa sadly. “Sylvia may look blind, but she can see almost as well as you or I—only she can’t control the muscles of her eyes and make them stay in focus. Her doctors thought soon after she was born that she had one of those nerve diseases and they tested her for those. She’s been through every examination known to modern medicine to find out what?

??s wrong with her. She can see, and she can hear, but still she doesn’t react to anything as she should. Now, go ahead and ask how the doctors know, and I’ll go into great boring details to explain all the tests they gave her as soon as they suspected something was wrong.”

“Tell me,” I whispered.

“If you watch carefully, you’ll see that she will bump into chairs and knock things over, but she will not fall down the stairs.” He had his eyes on me, and not Sylvia, who really needed watching. “If you call her name repeatedly, she will respond eventually. She may walk right by you, but she’ll come. I wanted to leave her with the therapists for another year. I hoped in that time they might have succeeded in teaching her how to control her body functions.” He saw the look on my face and said softly, “Audrina, Sylvia wears diapers like many other children her age, but unlike other children, Sylvia will no doubt have to wear diapers the rest of her life.”

Oh, how awful! I stared at Sylvia disbelievingly.

Papa went on. “If what her specialists say is true, Sylvia is permanently and severely retarded. I don’t like believing that, yet I have to accept the fact. Still, some little part of me keeps thinking that maybe Sylvia will one day be normal if given the right care—that is, if any of us know just what normal is.”

I’d prepared myself for anything but this. Blind, deaf, lame I thought I could handle—but not this. I didn’t need a retarded sister to complicate the rest of my life.

That’s when I turned to see that Sylvia was dangerously near the steps. Rushing forward, I grabbed her just in time. “Papa, you said she could see!”

“She can see. She is also very intuitive. She wouldn’t have fallen. She’s very much like a wild creature that lives by its instincts. Love her a little, Audrina, even if you can’t love her a lot. She needs someone to love her and if you love every stray cat and dog and nurse every wounded bird you find, then you can love your retarded sister and care for her as long as she needs you.”

I stared up into his full, handsome face just beginning to show a few lines. A bit of silver softened the dark hair at his temples. I wasn’t twelve years old yet, and he was putting me in charge of a child that would stay a perpetual baby.

Many times Papa had told me I was smart, that I could do anything I set my mind to. Soon he was saying I’d have Sylvia potty-trained in no time at all. Love could do more than professional expertise. I continued to stare at him with wide eyes as he went on to say I’d also teach her how to focus her eyes, control her lips, how to walk properly, talk well. I couldn’t stop watching Sylvia awkwardly backing down the five steps on her hands and knees. Then she got up to wander about in the yard. Several times she made an attempt to pull a camellia from the bush. The color seemed to attract her, and when she finally had it in her small hand, she tried to hold it to her nose and sniff. She didn’t know exactly where her nose was, or if she did, she didn’t know how to aim precisely. I was touched, horrified and full of pity. In the short time she’d been here, she’d managed to dirty her dress and scuff her shoes beyond repair, and her pretty hair was hanging in her face.

I was in turmoil. I pitied Sylvia. I wanted her and I didn’t want her. I loved her, and maybe I was already beginning to hate her a little, too. Weeks later I was to suspect that if given a choice at that moment, before she had a chance to seize my heart, I would have sent her back to where she came from.

But Sylvia was here and she was my responsibility. Maybe I didn’t want her or need her, but for my beloved dead mother I would take care of Sylvia, even if it meant denying myself the freedom I might have had if she’d never been born.

As I stood at the age of almost twelve watching her, something tender and loving came and hurried me along the path toward maturity. I rushed down the stairs so I could snatch her up into my arms. On her round chubby cheeks I planted a dozen or more kisses. I cupped her small head in my hand and felt the soft silky baby hair.

“I’ll love you, Sylvia! I’ll be your mother. You’ll never be mistreated from now on. I’ll teach you one day how to control your bladder and how to use the toilet. I’ll save you, Sylvia. I’m not going to believe you’re retarded, only physically undertrained. Each morning when I wake up I’m going to tell myself to find new ways to teach you what you need to know. There is a way to make you normal, I know there is.”

Sisters

That very same evening Papa held me on his lap for the last time. “You’re growing up, Audrina. Each day sees you more and more a woman. I see the changes taking place in your body, and I certainly hope your aunt did a good job of instructing you on how to handle certain situations. From now on I won’t be able to cuddle you like this. People often presume ugly things—but even if I don’t hold you, it won’t mean I don’t love you.”

His hands were in my hair as I pressed my face against his shirt front. At that moment all I felt was his love.

“I’m proud and very glad you promised to take care of Sylvia,” he went on in an emotional voice, as if at last I was proving myself to be very like his First and Most Beloved Audrina. “It is your duty to take care of your unfortunate sister. You must agree never to put her in a mental institution where she’ll be abused by other patients; by the attendants who are not honorable when it comes to pretty young girls. And she will be beautiful; even now you can see it. She won’t have any mental capabilities, but men won’t care. She’ll be used by them, abused by them. By the time she reaches puberty some boy will steal her virginity, perhaps make her a mother. And God help her child, which will then become your responsibility, too. Don’t look at me like that and think I’m putting my burden on your young shoulders. Sylvia will outlive me, just as you will. I’m preparing you for the time when I’m gone and your Aunt Ellsbeth is, too.”

I sobbed on his shoulder, thinking of the heavy cross Sylvia was.

Papa carried me up the stairs for the last time and tucked me into bed, and maybe for the last time he kissed me good night. Vague images came of all the times he’d put me to bed and kissed me good night, and heard my prayers, and taken me to the First Audrina’s room to rock and dream. He was telling me as he stood in the doorway, looking at me sadly, that from now on he expected me to be an adult.

“It’s all right, Papa,” I said in a strong voice. “I’m not afraid to walk the halls at night now. If Sylvia cries out in her sleep, I’ll run to her and you won’t have to bother. But you love her, too, and do for her all that you did for me. I’m not even afraid to sit in the rocking chair anymore. When you don’t stay outside the door, I do become the empty pitcher that fills to overflowing with everything beautiful. The boys in the woods don’t bother me now, for I’ve learned not to fear them like I used to. Thank you, Papa, for helping me overcome my fear of boys.”

He stood there silent for long, long moments. “I’m happy to hear your empty pitcher has filled.”

“When I rock in the chair now I can find Momma and talk to her … is that crazy, Papa?”

Some shadow came to darken his eyes even more. “Stay out of the rocking chair, Audrina. It’s done all it can for you now.”

What? How surprising. I knew now I wasn’t going to give it up. Papa was protecting me from something he didn’t want me to know, and that very something was what I had to know.

He left me then and closed the door and I was alone. I lay so still in the gloom I could hear the house breathe, and the boards of the floors whispered, conniving a way to keep me here forever.

In the dimness of my shadowed room with all the ghosts of previous Whiteferns murmuring, I heard the creak of my door as it opened and softly closed. It seemed a wraith straight from hell came through. Its hair stood on end. The long white garment it wore trailed on the floor. I almost screamed!