New Year Second Chance

I shrug. “Why not? I don’t need Dax. I have Shanna and my dad and you.”

“None of whom you can fuck,” Emily says.

I make a face at her. “Ew.”

“What I’m saying is, I’m your friend. Shanna and your dad are your family. Fine. You need someone in the romance department.”

I arch my eyebrows. “Do I?”

Emily looks at me. “Can I say something?”

She’s asking for my permission now, after she’s been speaking her mind this whole time?

“I know you’ve been through a lot lately,” she goes on. “I know your priorities have changed. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop living or thinking about yourself. You deserve to be happy, and it’s never too late for that.”

“But it is too late,” I tell her with a sigh as I turn my gaze back to the ceiling. “So much has happened, Em. When he left, I was a college student with one semester left and a bright future waiting for me.”

“You mean a bright future at NASA?”

I don’t answer.

“He thinks you’re working for NASA, right?” Emily asks.

I purse my lips.

“And you didn’t correct him?”

“And what? Make him think I’m such a failure?” I sit up. “You saw him, Em. He’s successful now. Rich. And me? I’m a librarian with a baby.”

Emily sits up as well. “And you think that’s something to be ashamed of?”

“No.”

But Dax will be disappointed in me. I know it. I’m already so disappointed in myself I can barely stand it. I don’t think I can stand him feeling sorry for me, too.

“You know, the fact that you care what Dax thinks about who you are now proves you’re not over him,” Emily points out. “You still want his approval, his admiration.”

“But that doesn’t mean I want to get back with him,” I say. “Besides, I don’t deserve him, and I definitely don’t think it’s right for me to force him to take on the responsibility of taking care of a child who isn’t his own.”

“You wouldn’t be forcing him. You’d be letting him,” Emily corrects me. “Think of it as his way of making amends.”

My eyebrows crease. “Isn’t that a bit too much?”

Emily lets out a big sigh as she falls back on top of the bed. “Really, Jen, what am I going to do with you?”

I give her a puzzled look. What?

She wraps her hand around my arm. “Jenna, what happened to you wasn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for it. You had no control. But you can be in control of what happens now. You can choose whether to keep being miserable – ”

“I’m not.”

” – or to give yourself another chance at happiness with a man who’s still crazy about you. And I mean crazy enough to see you as who you are and not what you’ve been. Also, a man who you evidently still care about.”

I fall silent because I need time to process all the things she’s just said. It all sounds like sensible advice, really.

Except for one part.

“I’m not miserable,” I say again.

“But do you want to be stuck in this town taking care of a baby mostly on your own?” Emily asks me.

I don’t answer.

She sits up and pats my shoulder. “Think about it.”

Then she gets off my bed and walks out of my room.

I let out a sigh. Now, she leaves.

I lie back down and press my arm against my forehead, which creases as I think about all Emily just told me. One thing, in particular, stands out.

I have a choice, huh? Do I really?

Do you want to be stuck in this town taking care of a baby mostly on your own?

I shrug. What’s wrong with that? Shanna makes me happy. She’s more than enough.

~

“Enough, Shanna, please,” I beg her as I rock her back and forth in my arms.

She’s been fussy for the past two hours and she still hasn’t stopped. I haven’t been able to catch a wink of sleep. I’ve tried swaddling her, giving her some medicine for a tummy ache, singing to her, giving her milk, and she still won’t stop.

It’s almost like she’s punishing me for leaving her earlier. I’m nearly at my wit’s end.

“Please.”

I press my lips to her hair as I continue to rock her. She continues to cry for a few more minutes. Then, finally, she starts to calm down.

I send a grateful glance up at the ceiling. Thank God.

I rock her some more while I hum until she’s fallen asleep. I wait a few minutes more before I set her down on the bed. Very carefully. I swear, if someone wakes her up now, I’m going to kill him.

I manage to put her down. Afterwards, I let out a sigh of relief.

I’m already worn out, though. In fact, right now, I’m spent and yet I feel too exhausted to sleep.

I sit on the floor and bury my face in my hands.