Lovers Not Friends

‘You’ll get cramp.’

‘What?’ As his deep voice cut into her thoughts she glanced up to find his eyes trained on her for a split-second before he turned to concentrate on the winding country road again.

‘Your body is as tense as a rod. Relax.’ The tone of voice could have been a weather report for the care or concern it held, but as she looked down at her hands clenched in her lap she realised he was right. Every muscle in her body ached.

He didn’t speak again on the drive home through quiet drowsy lanes, cobbled market squares and tiny villages set like jewels in the magnificent countryside. They passed limestone hills, wooded valleys and the odd isolated cottage in pale stone standing serenely at the edge of the road, and still the thick heavy silence that blanketed the car wasn’t broken.

As the day began to die, a soft golden twilight lit the great expanse of sky in front of them and as Blade’s car drew up outside Mrs Cox’s small cottage the melody of evening birdsong filled the air with poignant beauty, bringing a lump to Amy’s throat.

‘Thank you.’ She looked up into his face as he opened the car door for her but it was unreadable, the curt nod he gave her no indication of his feelings at all. And then he was gone.

He reversed the car sharply under the protest of brakes and tyres, speeding down the lane far too fast in a whirl of gleaming metal and roaring engine until both sight and sound faded.

Amy stood for a long, long time in the shadowed lane, moving into the small overgrown front garden after a time to stand with her eyes shut and her back resting against the gnarled trunk of the old lilac tree. It seemed impossible, even now, that this had happened to them, that they were living apart, estranged, with no hope of reconciliation.

Everything had been so right, so good, so many small details adding up to a perfect whole. Blade had understood all her insecurities and fears, his own childhood being one of mixed blessings with devious turns and twists.

His father had married his mother, his second wife, with the responsibility of three children from the previous marriage on his conscience, and his obsessive need still to feature prominently in the boys’ lives had cast a shadow over them all.

‘We never had a dime to call our own,’ Blade had told her quietly, his eyes looking inward and his face cold. ‘But my stepbrothers only had to ask and my father would provide whatever they wanted. Todd and I, my brother, grew up accepting that as normal. Mom worked every hour of the day and night to bring some extra money in but there was never enough. They rowed constantly but Mom could never bring herself to leave him like his first wife did. And then Todd died.’ His face had been bitter then. ‘Meningitis. And my father hardly noticed. It was from that point Mom sort of gave up. For the first time she accepted that he still loved Rosa, his first wife, and that the rest of us were almost incidental compared to Rosa and her boys.’ His eyes had been black with pain.

‘He was killed in a mining accident when I was eighteen and for years I was rent with guilt that I felt nothing but relief that the rows could stop and Mom could know some peace. She died six years later just as I began to make some real money, when I could have given her the life she deserved. But I’ve let it go now.’ He had held her close. ‘I’ve got you and I can finally let the dead rest in peace.’

And now? She moved restlessly. Sooner or later, perhaps sooner, he would move out of her orbit altogether, living, breathing, sleeping—without her. The shaft of pain through her heart made her gasp in protest. They would be in the same chunk of this little planet but she wouldn’t know when he had had a bad day, when he was excited about something, when he was sad. She wouldn’t be there to massage the muscles of his neck when he was tense, laugh and tease him about his little idiosyncrasies, lie next to him in the warmth of their huge giant-sized bed … She shook her head helplessly as the tears rained down her face. She loved him, she loved him so much, she couldn’t bear this pain … But she had to. She hugged her crossed arms tight into her waist.

None of their dreams could come true any more. He had had such a bad start in life, worked so hard to carve out his success. She would stop him from living the life he loved, fill him with guilt for every time he enjoyed himself without her, and if he did meet someone else …

She sat down on the overgrown grass abruptly, her arms clasped round her knees. And before that time there would be years of waiting, of knowing—a sure-fire time bomb waiting to explode, the knowledge of which would taint even the good days. No children, no young Blade to carry on his father’s name. ‘I am right.’ Her voice was a soft tremble in the cool night air but even as she spoke she raised her head upwards, her wet face shining with ethereal paleness in the dim light. ‘I am right.’ This time her voice was firm and harsh, the bleakness that pulled at her delicate features echoed in the three small words that spelt a lifetime of loneliness and solitude.