Holding Onto Forever (Beaumont: Next Generation 1)

7

Peyton

I’m in front of Noah, trying to push my sister away. She’s consoling him when it should be me. It’s always been me that he’s come to when he’s felt like the world was crashing around him. It was my window that he snuck into at night when he had a major test in the morning and couldn’t fall asleep. Not Elle’s. Not even Dessie’s. He used to tell me about their relationship. He used to confide in me until they became serious. Most of the time I’ve wanted to scream at him, to tell him that I don’t care, and that I hate her, but I don’t. I listened. I pretended I care about her when I don’t.

I glance back at the bed where my body lies. My mom’s head is rested on my shoulder. She strokes my hair, careful to stay away from the wound on the other side. Aunt Josie now holds my mom and they both cry, but my sister, she’s still here, stuck to Noah’s side. It makes me wonder if she will become his confidant when I’m no longer here.

Noah finally sits down but hangs onto the edge of my bed. His knuckles turn white and his jaw clenches. He’s angry. I know this look from anywhere. I’ve seen him lash out at people before, especially when he thinks they’ve wronged me. I have no doubt if he finds out about Kyle, he’ll… well I don’t know what he’ll do. I’m not sure if I want him to know about Kyle, It’s stupid really because he has Dessie. It’s only fair that I have someone. Even if the one I want doesn’t want me.

Noah hasn’t stopped looking at me. I hate it. This isn’t how he’s supposed to see me. He’s supposed to see me smiling, laughing and running to embrace him because we haven’t seen each other in such a long time. I’m trying to hold his face, but his tears make my hands slip away. Noah doesn’t like to cry, not when people are around him. He’s only done it once and that was when he was hit so badly during a game that his leg buckled and everyone thought he tore his ACL. He didn’t. He was lucky according to the doctor.

He closes his eyes and mutters something unintelligible. “Please say it again?” I beg, but he doesn’t hear me. Honestly, I’m getting rather pissed that no one can hear me. Am I dead, because if I am, shouldn’t I be able to throw things around to get attention? That’s what Patrick Swayze did in Ghost. And where’s my father or his mother? I would like to think at least my father would be here, watching everything transpire. Isn’t he always supposed to be watching over Elle and I? That’s what everyone told us at his funeral. I may have been five, but I remember that day and those surrounding his death very clearly.

Death is nothing like they show you in the movies, aside from your family sitting by your bedside, crying and praying, which I don’t get because my family has never been religious. We’ve been to church, but mostly for special occasions. But where’s the bright light directing me to where I need to go? Where’s my father? Shouldn’t he be here to guide me, hold my hand while I crossover?

“Noah, you need to tell her. We think she’s waiting for you.” I hear my sister mutter into Noah’s ear.

“Don’t listen to her, Noah,” I plead. “Tell me to hang on. Tell me to fight.”

But he says nothing. He leans forward, and his tall frame causes his knees to crash into the metal bars at the end of my bed. His hand touches my foot. I can see it, but I can’t feel him. “May I have a minute with her?” he asks.

Everyone looks at him with sad, blood-shot eyes. Elle is the first one to leave, followed by Josie. When my mom staggers away, Noah stands and pulls her into his arms. He’s like his father in a lot of ways, but he’s also different from the stories I’ve heard over the years about Liam. My uncle hasn’t been shy about his actions when he was eighteen, telling all of us about the mistakes that nearly cost him everything. I asked him once if he regretted anything and he said no. I thought he would say yes because he missed so much, but he said that he wouldn’t have been a very good husband or father to Noah, that he needed to leave so he could grow up. He only hates that he waited so long to return.

“She loves you, Noah,” my mom says. I do. I do love Noah. I always have, but… well, I don’t know. There was a time when I thought we’d be together, when I was fairly certain he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he didn’t.

I know it was because of our age difference and our families. While some may not think five years is much of a gap, it is when you’ve grown up with them. People often comment that Noah and I are like brother and sister. The thought makes me shudder. I will never consider him like my brother. Ever.

After my mom leaves, Noah sits in the chair next to my bed. He slides his hand under mine and rests his head on my torso. If he knew what I looked like under that blanket, he wouldn’t touch me. My chest is battered. It’s bloody, scarred and beyond damaged.

The beeping of the machine gets my attention. Red numbers flash and move upward. Noah laughs. “You know I’m here, right Peyton?”

“Yes,” I tell him.

“I wish this were a nightmare, that we were talking on the phone right now so you could tell me everything I did wrong in my game.”

“I didn’t watch it,” I say. “I was on the sidelines with the Bears. It was the most amazing feeling ever. I’m sorry I missed your game though.”

“I need you in my life, Peyton. You can’t leave me. I don’t care what my mom and Elle tell me. I won’t tell you it’s okay to go. I’m selfish. I know.” Noah stops talking and runs his free hand through my hair. There have been times when I thought I’d cut it, but he likes it.

“Everything will be o

kay, Noah.” I go to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. His body shakes and he mutters my name over and over again. I can’t console him, not the way I want to. He can’t feel me, only the lifeless version that lies on the bed with tubes coming out of her mouth and arm, and machines keeping her alive.

“I refuse to give up,” he tells my body. “Please find the will to live.”

“I’m trying!” I want to scream at him. What does he think I’m doing? Throwing a party someplace between here and there, wherever there may be. I decide to sit on my bed, facing Noah and take his hand in mine, as much as I can. “Do you remember your first college game? I do. You were amazing and set the record for most passes completed by a freshman in Irish history, but that’s isn’t what stands out the most. What is still clear to this day is the excitement in your voice when you called me the second you got into the locker room. I knew you had violated the rules, but you didn’t care that you would have to run the snake twice at practice. Hearing your voice that day, it made me feel like I was there with you, cheering you on from the stands. I may have been thirteen at the time, but I was so in love with you.

“What about the time when I surprised you on campus by showing up at that frat party? You were so pissed off at me. I thought for sure you were going to call my parents, but you didn’t. You put your arm around me and held me to your side all night long. I knew you were only protecting me, but deep down I kept telling myself that it was because you were in love with me. It’s not like you could’ve told your friends because I was only sixteen, and you had a girlfriend. That night she told you to choose me or over her, and you chose me. You have every time and then you met Dessie. I can’t compete with her, Noah. She’s beautiful and exactly who any starting NFL quarterback needs to have on his arm.

“Deep down, I know you’re going to ask her to marry you, to be your wife and have your children. All things that I’ve wanted for myself, but know that I can never have. I’m going to cry when you do. My heart will break more so than any other time you’ve dated someone, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to recover. Maybe I should let go, and be free from the pain my body is in now and prevent the devastation that will come later. If I’m not here, it can’t hurt, right? Haunting her seems more fun to me right now because I hate her, Noah. I hate the way she makes me feel when she’s in the room. I detest that she commands your attention and you give it to her. I know you love her though, which is why when Kyle asked me out, I said yes.

“I could’ve easily liked him if given the chance, but that truck… Kyle didn’t see it. He’s here, in the hospital. He wants to come see me but his lawyer won’t let him. He’s not you though, Noah.” I run my hand through his hair, wishing I could feel it move between my fingers. It’s been so long since I’ve held him the way I’ve wanted. He closes his eyes and for a moment I think he’s leaning into my touch.

“It’s like I can feel you here, Peyton.” Noah laughs and shakes his head.

“What’s so funny, Noah?”

He doesn’t answer. Not that I expected him to.