Finding My Way (Beaumont 4)

The clerk nods and hands a file to Sam. She walks over to me. She sits down and places her hand on my leg. The gesture, I find, is calming.

“I’m sorry, Liam. I know how much she means to you.” It doesn’t escape my notice that she talks about my grandma in the present tense, as if she hasn’t left me yet.

“I don’t know what happened. I heard something and it woke me up and I found her on the floor. I tried to bring her back but I couldn’t.” My voice breaks and I collapse into Sam’s arms. She holds me while I sob, soaking her jacket with my tears. She rubs my back, but not the same way my grandma would. Sam is almost detached and I forget that she works for me. She’s not here to comfort me, only here to make sure shit doesn’t go wrong. I pull away and shield my eyes from her. I can’t afford to be weak in front of her ever again.

Sam pulls a file out of her briefcase and flips through it. “It says cause of death is a brain aneurysm, Liam. There wasn’t anything you could’ve done to save her. The crash you heard was likely her falling which is in line with the bruising she sustained.”

“She didn’t tell me she was sick.”

“She wasn’t, these things just happen.”

Death just happens. Just like that, she’s gone and I’m alone again. I have nothing with her gone.

“I’ll take care of everything. I know you don’t want to think about the future, but it’s like a flashing beacon in your face. You leave for your tour tomorrow, but need to get her affairs in order. I’ve already contacted her lawyer, she left everything to you. You just have to decide what you want to do with it all, but you can wait until you come back.”

I shake my head. This is too much to handle. “I can’t go back there.”

“That’s fine. I’ll send someone over to pack your clothes and you can stay at Harrison’s tonight.”

I shake my head. I can’t do this without her support. She’s the reason I’m where I’m at today.

“I can’t go on tour.”

Sam sighs next to me. “Listen, Liam, I spent all of yesterday with your grandmother. She’s so proud of you. She wanted to be in the front row while you performed instead of being back stage – that tells me something about a person. She’s a remarkable woman and she’d want you to go out on tour and live your dream. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I understand what you’re going through because I’ve never lost someone close to me before. I understand the importance of family and that’s what I’m here for. I can’t take the place of your grandma, but I can help you live out her memory and I can be your friend.

“She wouldn’t want you passing up your dreams like this. You can hold her in your heart when you can’t hold her in your hands, Liam. I’m not trying to pressure you, but I’ve seen this before with my father’s clients. Everyone has their own way of working out how they cope with grief. I’m just asking you not to let down Harrison and Way with your decision.”

I think more about Harrison than I do Way. He’s been around the block before and he’s just along for the ride, but Harrison’s a different story. For years he’s been nothing but the house band drummer that helps people develop their sound. I helped make this happen for him. Once again, I’m letting someone down with my decision. Seems like no matter what I do, that’s always how things are going to be. If I bail this time, I’m letting myself down too.

“I’ll go, but I can’t go back to the house, not now, not ever. Sell it or donate it, I don’t care.”

“And what about her belongings?”

“Put it in a storage unit, I guess, until I can find a place to live.”

Sam nods and has her phone out before she’s out of her seat. She’s all business and for that I’m thankful.

Chapter 38

There isn’t a playbook or a call sheet that prepares for what life is like on a tour bus. There’s no one on the sidelines yelling calls out to you and there’s no one to pick you up if you fall down. When you see reports of an artist entering rehab and the cause is exhaustion – they’re not lying. Rehab is the only place where people can’t bug you twenty-four seven and you can sleep. Believe me, I’ve thought about it.

I haven’t fallen, but I feel like it sometimes.

Sam is a Godsend. If it wasn’t for her we wouldn’t have clean clothes, food on the bus or even know which way we’re heading. Disorientation is my sixth sense. I’m always disoriented. Is it night or day? Am I north or south? It doesn’t matter because Sam is there to make sure I’m where I need to be, when I need to be.

Life on a tour bus, not gonna lie, it sucks. Yes we have all modern day amenities, but the constant movement is jarring. The first three days, I was sicker than a dog and thankful we were only performing five songs because anything more and I would’ve hurled onto the fans. ‘There, take that for standing in the front row with your barely there tank top on’.

Sam, Harrison and Way have been like a family to me. We’ve been on the road for a month now and despite the fact that I had reservations, I’m happy I didn’t give up on this and that they didn’t give up on me. I could’ve turned into a has been before I was even a been. What a joke that would’ve made me.

I miss my grandmother though and I don’t think that feeling is going to go away, not as long as I’m Liam Page. She’s so much a part of me, a part of who I am and who I’m becoming, that I can’t let go. The sleepless nights and writer’s block, I blame on her. I try to channel her thoughts into my lyrics and just when I think I have her lifeless body flashes before my eyes and I’m back to square one again.

I finish the last verse and hold the note longer than usual. The crowd erupts and as much as I want, an encore isn’t happening. It’s not allowed. There’s another act after us and the stage has to be set up for them. We rush off and the roadies start to break down our set. Sam meets us in our dressing room with bottles of water and fresh fruit. She’s not very strict about any underage drinking on my part, she reminds me daily that she’s not my mother. But she does protect me and for that I’m grateful. She’s kept me away from a few sticky situations and her intuition is usually spot on.

“There’s an after party tonight that we need to attend.”

Harrison and Way both roll their eyes. Way is likely not to attend, but Harrison and I will because we want to stay in the good graces of Blaze.