American Honey

His face is closer than before, but not as close as I want him. “How long did it take you to figure out Kasey was his brother?”

“Not long.” he smiles but I can’t see his eyes anymore. They’ve dropped to the floor and I know he’s about to say something that has meaning. He does that when he’s speaking from his heart. “Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.” He speaks slow, his voice soft but raspy.

“Who said that?”

“I’m not sure who originally said it,” Callan shrugs running the back of his hand over his forehead as he stands and puts distance between us, “but my dad used to tell us that when we were kids.” He gives me a shrug. “It’s pretty good advice if you ask me.”

I nod. “It is.”

“Do you miss your dad?” I feel like it’s a stupid question but I don’t know how close they were and that’s my way of knowing.

“Yeah, I do. He was sick for a long time so it didn’t come as a shocker when he died. We knew it was coming.”

“So you came back for the funeral then?”

“No. I couldn’t make it. I came back to sell the house and pay back your dad for his troubles. Where I come from, and how I was raised, you don’t walk away from something you owe.”

I laugh but only lightly when the motion sends a pain through my body. “That’s not a rebel thing for you to say.”

Callan’s eyes squint when he speaks. “I’m trouble, sure, but don’t define me with a term. I love and work harder than most will ever believe.”

“I believe that.”

I’m quiet, fidgeting with a straw of hay when Callan shifts his feet, the shuffle catches my eyes. He’s leaning against the side of the barn now, three feet away but it might as well be three hundred at the loss I feel when he moves away.

“Why do you bother with Kasey?”

I shrug. “I’m not sure. He was a comfort at first, and now he’s just there. Making me think I’m something, when he treats me like I’m nothing. I think it’s a way for me to remember Jackson.”

“He’s an asshole. You need to stay away from him.”

“Why did you leave if Katie confessed to lying?”

Callan’s visibly shocked by the change in the conversation and the fact that I know why he left. “I was always going to leave. It really had nothing to do with her but she ruined our lives here. There’s never been anything to come home to.”

“So it wasn’t true?” I knew it wasn’t, but I want to hear his side.

“No.” He narrows his eyes and watches me take in the information. “I’ve never touched Katie that way. Neither had Reed. Ty was dating her. They were both underage at the time and it was totally consensual.”

“Have you seen her since?”

“No. Neither has Ty. He’s living with me now in Decatur. They broke up right after that and he ain’t heard from her since.”

“So that’s why you wouldn’t touch me?”

“Yes. I can’t do that. She costs my brother a chance at a World title and me a suspension for six months.” He gives me another glance, fleeting and then directed at the field. I see that same look I saw the night I met him. “I wasn’t making that mistake again.”

“I’m eighteen now.”

He nods, as if he knows but it’s not convincing. He knows I want him and I think he wants me too. He does. But it’s not that easy to move from what we’ve been talking about to something like that.

Callan lifts the longneck in his hand to his lips, tipping his head slightly to the right. “It hasn’t been easy to resist you.” His eyes find mine. “Not easy at all. I got hung up that night and you wouldn’t let go.” He swallows and sets his beer down on the ground. “I think the hardest thing about bull riding is knowing when to give and when to take. Being patient and waiting for your time to make a move. This wasn’t my time to make a move, not sure when or if that time will come but I just knew that the time wasn’t right.”

I give him a look and he knows what I’m thinking. This isn’t me just wanting sex. This is me wanting someone who sees me through this haze I have around me, around my heart.

“What is it about me that you want?” Callan asks. “You know I’m leaving. Are you trying to bury the pain or believe I’m someone else? I’m certainly not Jackson. I don’t do relationships, my lifestyle won’t allow that. So why are you pursuing this?”

“You’re right, you’re not Jackson. And I’ve never thought you were, or wanted you to be.” I say speaking from my heart for once. I lift my eyes to meet his. “I’ve never left this town. I’m not sure I ever will. Then one night I see a guy at a party and his eyes are lit by a bonfire, so bright they look like diamonds. They shine these sparks at me and give me hope, as if something is finally looking down on the girl left behind. I’ve been used, given just enough to make me feel like that’s all I’ll ever have. But there’s diamonds in me now. You’re not Jackson. You’re Callan James. Someone I was meant to see through this flat land that owns my soul.”