American Honey

Does he know something that I don’t? Does he know how strained things are right now between Tanner and me? Does he feel the same shift that I’m feeling too?

“I know, Little One, more than you think I do.”

“Know what, Knox?”

“Things are changing.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’ve tried to be numb to the whole situation, block it out, but it looks like I can’t do that for much longer.

“Everything is so messed up, Knox.” I let a single tear fall. I feel a shift in my life but I’m not sure what’s causing it. I’ve tried to ask Tanner but he says not to worry about anything. Everything has a way of working itself out.

Knox and Rex wrap me in their arms as I let the first round of many tears to come fall. I don’t want to grow up; I want to stay oblivious to the world. I want to spend my summers running on the beach with the boys. I want the parents to call us for s’mores when they have the fire on the beach just perfect for us. I want all the laughs. I want my family and even my extended family happy again. But when things are so far gone, how do you right the wrongs?

The party wraps up around eleven-thirty that night; the only people still here are Knox and Rex. They are sitting on the couch in the living room, “Are y’all staying over?” I ask taking a seat next to Knox on the couch.

The boys, when they are in town, will either sleep in the spare room at my house or over at Tanner’s. They’ve been doing this for years. I wish Audrey and Austin would just move back to Fayetteville with all of us.

“We’re going to crash here.” Knox says with a wink.

“We’re,” Rex coughs out the last word, “covering.”

My eyebrows furrow in confusion and I mouth, “Covering?” I know I had a little to drink but I’m most certainly not drunk.

Mama saunters in, “What’re y’all up to for the rest of the night? Are you boys staying here or Tanner’s?”

“We’re staying here, ma’am.” Rex answers.

Knox kicks his shoes off, “We were thinking of watching a movie until we fall asleep.”

Mama nods, “Okay, just remember to turn the TV off before you go to bed.”

“We will.” I answer.

Mama heads up the stairs to bed. I lean back to make sure she is far enough away before figuring out what the hell they are covering for.

“What’re you two up to?”

Rex chuckles and Knox rolls his eyes. “Go upstairs, change out of that hideous dress and meet your boy toy at your spot.”

I sit there for a second before snapping into motion.

“Oh,” Knox calls out, “you’re welcome.”

“Um,” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “Thank you?”

Rex waves me off, “Yeah, yeah.”

I’ve changed in five minutes flat and out the back door a minute later. I made sure to shut the spotlight off before running through the back yard; I don’t need to wake Mama up.

I slip past the pool fence and I see a flicker of light.

“Tanner?”

He steps out of the shadows, the flicker from the light dancing across his handsome face. His jet black hair is sticking up everywhere; he’s stressed, and it’s obvious he has been running his hands through it all day. He’s got scruff on his face that I love to run my hands over. But his eyes, his green eyes, hold a story that he’s hiding from me. I know he’s got a lot on his plate. His parents are fighting like mine. He’s supposed to be leaving for college next month but he doesn’t want to go. He’s lucky though; his parents let him have a year off after he blew his knee out in the beginning of the year in a nasty sack that caused him to lose his scholarship to the University of North Carolina. Now he’s going to take classes at the local college.

When I reach Tanner he pulls me to him, reaches down and picks me up. No words are spoken, just the release of the emotions we’ve both been carrying around with us for what seems like forever. I do the only thing my heart and my mind tells me to do. I wrap my legs around him and cup his face with all the tenderness and emotion that I’m feeling right now and kiss him on the lips.

Tanner pulls away, “I’m so sorry.”