Lost in Us (Lost in You 1.50)

“I had to see you.” Her normally sweet voice is barely audible. I bring my hand to my head, rubbing my temple and forehead. The impending headache will likely be a killer and will either make or break my night.

“Why? It’s only been a year,” I state matter-of-factly. I know she knows this, but I can’t help but get the jab in. It was so easy for her to quit on us, as if we never meant anything to each other.

“That’s why I’m here.”

From the corner of my eye I see her cautious steps into my office. I move slightly and watch her take in my office. I wanted her here when I started, but she was too busy. Always busy. My life never took precedence over her busy schedule.

“You have a nice office, Ryan. I never…” her voice trails off leaving me to wonder what she was going to say. She never what, thought I’d amount to anything? Didn’t think I could make it on my own without her in my life? I clench my fist to curb the anger boiling inside of me. This conversation should’ve happened a year ago. She should’ve been here when the break-up happened, talking to me.

“Hadley, I’m going to ask you again, why are you here?” This time I turn and look at her, and it’s a huge mistake. The urge to pull her into my arms is so great, but I can’t act on it. I know she’ll fall into my arms and let me hold her, but that’s not fair to Jessica. I could never betray her like that.

Hadley walks toward me, her perfume growing stronger. I close my eyes and will away the images in my head, except they don’t go anywhere. They play out like a Ryan and Hadley movie on rewind, and I can’t find the stop button. When I open my eyes, she’s sitting across from me with her legs crossed and her hands clasped in her lap. She’s ever the professional, and I’m falling apart here. I should be the strong one. I had to be when a decision had to be made about us. But looking at her now, she’s the persona of someone who’s confident and put together. She’s on a mission and if I had to guess, it’s to win me back.

“Ryan, I’m going to just blurt everything out. I’m assuming by the people working down on the field that it’s game day so I’ll be quick.” Hadley pushes down her skirt, not that it moves one single solitary inch because I’m watching it like a hawk, but the gesture’s there nonetheless. She looks at me, tilting her head until we make eye contact. Her smile is wide, and my face is pensive. I don’t think I could smile if I wanted to right now.

She clears her throat and continues. “I should’ve done this a long time ago. I don’t know if it was my pride, or utter shallowness that has kept me away, but I make no excuses. I have failed you and us one too many times and judging by what I walked in on, I know I’m too late. I don’t deserve a second chance and I’m not here to ask for one, but I’d like to be friends. We never really had a friendship if you think about it. We met when you were so young, and I was completely smitten with you. It was a combination of romance, lust and hiding. You were my dirty little secret for the longest time. When you walked back into my life, we were given another chance, but it was right back to where we had left off that fateful night in the rental car. We never had a chance to be just friends, and I’d like that.”

Her words stun me, and I hate that she’s right. Dylan and I were friends before we crossed the line and are still friends, best friends at that. Hadley and I have only known each other as lovers. But I’m not sure I can do this with Hadley. I love her. Those feelings don’t go away. I don’t know what I’d do if she casually brushed against me, or put her hand on my arm to laugh at a joke. Those are all things that Dylan does and they have no effect on me, but if Hadley did touch me, I’d crumble.

“I don’t know, Hadley,” I push out the words even though I don’t want to. “Being your friend right now will be hard. You’re on tour, and I live here. What are you going to do, come visit me when you get a chance and act like nothing’s wrong? We broke up. I ended our five-year relationship, and it’s taken you a year to come and find me.” I’m growing angrier by the minute and know that I need to calm down, but I can’t. Standing up, I turn my attention to the window and look out onto the field. Guys are starting to warm-up, preparing for tonight’s game.

“It’s been a year and now you show up asking to be friends only because you saw that I’m with someone else? If you hadn’t seen her, what would you be asking me? For a chance to get back together?”

“Ryan, I didn’t come here to fight.”

“Then why are you here?” I blast as I turn back to face her. She jumps slightly at my tone. “Why have you shown up after all this time? You don’t call, text or even write, not that you did when we were together, and now you randomly show up in my office without warning?”

Hadley chokes back a sob, and it pains me to know that my telling her some home truth has caused her to cry. She shakes her head and wipes fiercely at her tears. “I miss you, that’s why. I know it’s a shitty excuse because I’ve been on tour, but it’s all I have. After my show last night, everything just hit me. I’m alone and lost. Everything I had was gone, and I did it. I ruined everything because I don’t know how to compromise.”

I walk back to my desk, running my hand through my hair. Neither Hadley nor I had the ideal childhood. Hers was performance after performance and mine was trying to survive until I was old enough to move out. We grew up so differently, yet in so many ways we were the same, both searching for acceptance. Everything that I have, I’ve had to work for. Hadley, yes she’s worked, but now everyone caters to her needs.

“Maybe you should call me when you’re not on tour. We can’t be friends for a night or two and then you disappear again. I can’t do that.” My voice is quiet and unsure.

“My tour’s done. I cancelled my remaining shows.”

My eyes find hers quickly, and I realize that I’ve just opened the door for her to waltz right back into my life. That’s something I can’t let happen.

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. By the look in his eyes, he wasn’t expecting me to say that. Now I have to do the unthinkable, the unforgivable and cancel. I can’t go back on tour now that I’ve told Ryan it’s done. It’s not going t

o be easy and there’s going to be press. Carrie, my manager, isn’t going to be happy. This is not me. I don’t do things like this, but Ryan is important to me. Our relationship – or lack thereof – is important. The last thing I want is for people to know that Ryan and I aren’t together. I’ve worked hard to keep up this ruse and I can’t let a slip of the tongue burst my bubble. Unbeknownst to Ryan, I’ve just unleashed a whole slew of drama for him, and he’s not going to like that.

I break his penetrating gaze and look out the window. There are people walking through the stands, but from where I sit, they look like blobs just moving aimlessly, or zombies preparing to overtake the colony. I like the zombie analogy better. They can come get me and put me out of my misery. Someone’s going to need to.

“How long have you been dating?” It’s not a question I want to ask, but I need to know. The thought of dating never crossed my mind. I look down at my ring finger and move my engagement ring back and forth. Maybe if I had taken this off, dating wouldn’t seem like such a foreign concept to me.

Ryan sighs heavily. He clears his throat, gathering my attention. When I look at him, I see confusion and hurt. His eyes aren’t smiling, and his forehead is creased. I did this to him. The right thing to do would be to get up and leave, to forget that I was even here. I could stand and slip off my ring, place it on his desk and leave, but I’m not strong enough for a grand gesture like that.

“Hadley… I,” he stops and rubs his face roughly with his hand. I want to reach out and pull his hand away and tell him that everything will be okay, that we’ll be okay, but I don’t even believe that myself. Once again, if I want Ryan, I’ll be competing with another woman. First Dylan, and now this new one. Maybe that’s my sign to step away.

“Her name’s Jessica,” he informs me without making eye contact. He picks something up off his desk, a paperclip I’m guessing, and starts to fiddle with it. “We’ve been dating for about six months.” Ryan leans back in his chair and looks at me. “I didn’t plan for it to happen; it just did. She’s the owner’s daughter, and we we’re spending a lot of time together because we’re close in age. She showed me around Boston and was my shoulder to cry on.”

“She knows about me? I mean, she must because she left as soon as I made my presence known.”

He nods. “Yes, she does. I told her everything.”

“Why?” I have to ask even though I don’t want to know the answer. I figured he’d talk to Dylan about us, not some stranger. I confided in Alex and thought that Ryan would at least talk to Cole. They had grown close over the years. Guess I was wrong once again.

“She’s easy to talk to. She doesn’t judge or care who you are,” he pauses to gauge my reaction. What does he want from me? Am I supposed to freak out that she doesn’t care who I am? Right now, I don’t really care because I’m having a hard enough time processing that he turned to another woman so quickly.