Lost in Us (Lost in You 1.50)

By all accounts, our break-up wasn’t messy. She was out of town and I had already started working in Boston. It was a phone call from me, telling her that we needed time and space; that I didn’t think we were working anymore. She was quiet, reserved and told me that she loved me. I replied in kind because I do love her. I have since I was seventeen, there’s no mistaking that, but love can’t save everything. I thought I’d hear from her and when I didn’t, I picked up the phone to text or call her only to find that I had nothing to say. When you get to that point in your life, it’s best to step away.

Everything in me is telling me to ignore Hadley and her impromptu visit, but my heart won’t let me. I’ll never deny that we have a connection, but sometimes in life a connection isn’t enough. Do I feel as strongly for Jessica as I do Hadley? No, I don’t and I’m not sure I

ever will, but that doesn’t mean I should be with Hadley. Neither of us is willing to compromise and if you don’t have at least that, you can’t make your relationship work.

Jessica passes in front of me, bringing my attention to the here and now. She sits down and folds her hands in her lap, taking a deep breath. How she was able to so calmly walk out of my office today when Hadley arrived, I’ll never understand. I want to ask her, but don’t want to bring the subject up unless she’s willing. Avoidance is going to be my forté until my life is back on track and Hadley is gone. I have a feeling she’ll only be here a week, two tops. She can’t stay away from New York, Alex and her music. I highly doubt Hadley is relocating her life to Boston just because I’m here.

I reach over and pull Jessica’s hand into mine. We’re not a PDA couple, but I think tonight calls for it. She needs to know that I’m still here and with her, despite what happened earlier.

Jessica smiles warmly, and it reminds me what a great person she is. She’s probably the most down to earth person I know. She’s unaffected by her social class, who her father is and the fact that she has some of the most prominent baseball players in her family home for dinners. In some ways, she and Hadley are a lot alike. That’s probably why I’m attracted to her. Maybe she’s my Boston version of Hadley because I couldn’t have the real thing. No, that’s not what she is at all. When I look at her, I see calm and peace, not the hectic lifestyle that I had before.

“Everything okay?” she asks. I want to tell her yes, that everything is fine, but that’s a lie. I don’t know what Hadley wants aside from being friends, and honestly that answer doesn’t even suffice.

“I’m not sure, but I hope so.”

Jessica squeezes my hand and offers me the most genuine smile. She’s been down the path of dating someone famous, a high profile baseball player from another team. She quickly learned they weren’t compatible but not before he pulled her into a nightmare public relations mess with his drug use and infidelity. She swore off anyone who’s in the public eye, except for me. She knows how I feel about the media.

“What does she want?” The sad tone isn’t falling on deaf ears. Jessica knows how I feel about Hadley. I’ve never hidden that fact. Love begins to fade over time and that’s what Jessica has offered me – time. With each passing day, thoughts of Hadley ceased to exist. It’s almost like she knew that I wasn’t thinking about her any longer and had to show up. It’s not that Jessica and I are taking the next step in our relationship and moving in with each other, but we’re getting there. We’re progressing at a nice, slow pace.

“I’m not sure, really. To be friends,” I say, shrugging. Truth is I was in such a fog that I don’t have a clue what Hadley’s really doing here or if she’s even still here. I hope she’s on a plane back to New York. That would be classic Hadley fashion, a long distance relationship that works out over the phone.

“Are you going to see her again?” It’s a valid question and one I wish I had the answer to. Hadley Carter is my weakness, my downfall. The fact that she’s made an attempt to reach out proves that she’s not over me. This wasn’t some random ‘on the street’ meeting, but a full on attempt by her to reconnect. I’d love to say she won’t be back, but I’d be lying, and I think we both know the truth.

“I don’t know, Jessica.” Her resolve slips, but her smile doesn’t. No, she’s not like that. She’s a professional through and through. In this moment though, I want to take her out of the park and back to my apartment so we can figure this out, except I don’t know what there is to figure out because I’m so freaking lost on what I should be doing. Do I run back to Hadley? Do I even give her another chance? Or do I tell her we’re done and there’s no hope for us? I have no doubt Jessica and Dylan would opt for the latter, but I’m not sure my heart can take it.

“Well I’m here for you, in whatever capacity you need me to be.”

That right there is what makes Jessica stand out above every other woman I know. When I tell Dylan, she’s going to flip and probably hunt Hadley down, but not Jessica. No, she offers me moral support even though another woman is in the picture. I don’t deserve someone like her.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I hate that I’ve said those words because I don’t believe them and neither does she by the look in her eyes. I let go of her hand and place my arm on her shoulder, pulling her as close as she can get without hurting her on the armrest. I kiss her hair and hold my lips there as I fight the rage that’s starting to build. I don’t want to hurt Jessica and I don’t want her to leave, but I want to know what the hell Hadley’s up to.

I want to be in the fairytale, the one where birds chirp when I wake telling me that today is going to be a good day. I want my Prince Charming to find me in the garden and profess his love to me. I want the happily ever after. I know it’s silly to even think like that, but I can’t help it. Love surrounds me every day and more so since I’ve been in Boston; whether it’s the songs I’m writing or watching the people walk hand in hand, clearly in love, in Faneuil Hall. It’s been three days since I ditched out on my tour and today it’s in the headlines. “Hadley Carter Sidelined by Exhaustion.” It’s better than what I thought it would be: “Hadley Carter dumped by her Long-term Boyfriend for Baseball Royalty.” I’m still not convinced that the truth won’t come out and everyone will know I’m in Boston, where Ryan is openly public with his new girlfriend. My favorite ragtime, TMZ, will undoubtedly follow me around, and Ryan’s life will be under the microscope. They live to tear me down.

Today’s the day that I work to get him back. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that, but it has to start today. I can’t continue to sit by while his heart becomes lost to another. I’m not looking to cause problems, but love makes you do stupid things. He said we could be friends, and that’s something we’ve never really been. For us, that’s a good place to start. I just don’t know what friends should do together, especially those that have been lovers. How am I going to make it through the day without touching him or resting my head on his shoulder? Neither of those will be easy, but I’m going to have to try.

Standing in front of my mirror with my hands down at my sides, I surmise that being in Boston is good for me. My skin looks clearer, and I have fewer bags under my eyes. The clothing style is different, more posh I guess you’d say. I’ve met some amazing people while I’ve toured the city and have found that I love a true Boston accent. I’m not trying to hide who I am here; there’s no need. After today, every fan will know that I’ve taken up residence here, at least for the time being, and I’m not going to shy away from them. Although, from what I’m being told from locals, they don’t give a ‘pissah’ who you are. They’re already making me feel at home.

The soft knock on the door to my hotel room sends my heart into a frenzy. With one last look, I put on my happy face knowing that today’s the fresh start we need, even if Ryan doesn’t think we do.

I open the door quickly, hoping that I don’t come off too eager. “Hi,” I say breathlessly, as if I’ve run up a few flights of stairs to get to him. I feel that way now that he’s standing in front of me with a dark polo shirt on, the sleeves rolled a few times to accentuate his biceps. Thinking back over the years from when I first met him, his transformation into a man has been a sight to behold. Most of it happened after we broke up the first time, but watching him keep up his physique has been a definite perk of being with him, a perk that I’ve missed and didn’t realize how much until right now.

“Do you want to come in?” I move aside, pulling the door open, but he stands there with his hands in his pockets. My lips go into a thin line at the realization that he probably doesn’t want to be here. He’s just appeasing me. I’m going to have to work a lot harder than I thought at winning him back if he’s even available to be won. He may be done with me, and if that’s the case, I don’t blame him.

“I’ll just get my stuff,” I say, without making eye contact. I don’t want him to be any more uncom

fortable than he already is. I stall briefly, before picking up my bag and sunglasses. When I turn, he’s still standing there like a statue. The better part of me wants to call off this date, but I have to try and see if he still feels the same way about me that I do him. One date, it’s all I’m asking for.

“Are you ready?” He nods and sticks out his arm for me to take, just like he used to when we were together. The familiarity isn’t lost on me, and I know better than to let the hope soar. This is going to be hard. I don’t want him to do anything that compromises who he is or his job, but I’ll be damned if I’m not taking his proffered arm.

We ride the elevator in silence. A few other hotel guests step on, take one look and start messing around on their phones. One can assume they’re looking me up to confirm what they’re minds are telling them. By the time they figure it out, hopefully we’ll be out of this metal box and on our way. No one really chases you down unless they’re looking for some dirty secrets.

“This is different,” he says, as soon as we walk around the corner from the elevator exit. Light bulbs flash and questions are thrown at us. “Who was the woman you were with last night, Ryan?” “Is he cheating on you, Hadley?” “When did you call off your engagement?”

The last question causes me to falter in my steps, but Ryan keeps us walking. We’ve experienced this type of paparazzi onslaught when we first got together and shortly after my uncle Ian leaked a story about me chasing Ryan while he was still a minor. Bumps in the road, he called them. Except now we’re in a ditch, and we’ll need a ladder to get out.

As soon as we’re outside, he’s opening his car door for me. His car door. I run my hand over the soft leather and close my eyes to will away the tears of a milestone I missed. I look out the front window the moment he slides in next to me.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, immediately.