Out in the Surf (Out in College 9)

Cal winced. “Sorry. I’ve been cruising on this thing and trying to get in the right headspace for tomorrow. What was your message?”

“Colby and the guys wanted to buy me a beer,” I hedged.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” I stared at the wavy design on a surfboard for a beat, then met his gaze. “I got that job with the Sharks.”

“What? No way! That’s awesome. Congratulations, baby.”

“Thanks, but I don’t know if I’m going to take it.”

Cal’s sunny smile dipped as he creased his brow in confusion. “Why not?”

I rubbed my scruffy jaw thoughtfully. “A few reasons. It would be cool to work for the NHL, but it’s an office job. In San Jose. I could do the same thing in LA for more money. And…I’d still be able to live here.”

Understanding dawned across his face. “Luca…”

“Yeah?”

“You can’t stay here for me. You can’t give up opportunities like that,” he replied softly. “Not for me.”

I was too taken aback to reply at first. I hadn’t meant to put him on the spot or even insinuate that I’d give up anything, but now that the words were out, I’d own them. Even if it meant getting my heart trampled on in the process.

“I can’t?”

Cal turned the music off, then closed the distance between us, sliding his hands from my shoulders to my elbows. “Luca, you have to do what’s right for you.”

“Who says I’m not?” I shook him off and walked to the opposite side of the board. “What if being in LA is what I want? What if I wanted to work nearby and…maybe go to law school later? What if I told you I’m perfectly happy being here? Right here. With you.”

“Me,” he repeated. “I’m…I’m not…I shouldn’t be your reason, Luca.”

“You’re my only reason. You should know that.”

“Luca…”

“It’s true,” I assured him. “I can practically hear you thinking out loud. You’re thinking I’m too young to know what I want. You’re thinking I’ll get tired of you or that I’ll demand shit you can’t deliver. Or maybe you’re thinking that just when you might fall for me, I’ll leave you and you’ll get hurt…again. Am I close?”

Cal squinted, his expression wary. “I thought we were talking about a job.”

“We were, but this is about us now. Me and you. And…I’m too Italian to keep this in anymore. Look, I don’t care if you need or want to stay in the closet. You do you. But you need to know that I don’t hang out with you because I love surfing so damn much. I’m not here for titillating conversation, I’m not even here for the sex. I’m here for you, Cal. You.”

“I know. And I love that, but—”

“I love you,” I blurted.

Okay…apparently, I’d shocked both of us speechless. I swallowed hard while my lover gaped at me incredulously.

“You…”

“Yeah, I do. And before you try to tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about—don’t. I know how I feel, and I know I mean it.” I put my hands on his cheeks and sealed my mouth over his, then retraced my steps to the door.

“Whoa, baby. Where are you going?”

“Home. I’ll see you tomorrow at the beach. Don’t think about this. I’m sorry. My timing sucks. Just…go do good things.”

My knees were weak, my heart thudded against my rib cage, and my stomach turned unpleasantly. I’d been so careful with him. I hadn’t wanted to scare him. I hadn’t wanted to overwhelm him. But I couldn’t keep pretending.

Whatever happened now was up to him.

* * *

Cal

Fog stubbornly hugged the horizon in the distance, casting a hazy glow over the Pacific. The conditions were perfect for a competition. The offshore wind was steady and holding with regular sets averaging around three or four feet. Not the kind of waves to ride big barrels or anything dramatic. The key today was to ride it with confidence.

So far, I’d nailed it.

I couldn’t get too excited, though. This was the first leg of a three-day competition. I might be riding high now, but I knew how fast everything could fall apart. The ocean was in charge here. I had no say. I had to rely on training, experience, and daredevil instincts. The judges watched for degree of difficulty, innovative and varied maneuvers, speed, power, and flow. Timid surfing was not an option.

Andy Dugan was ahead of me in points. Not a surprise. He was good.

But I was good too. I had a tendency to be cautious in my everyday life, never in the water. I wasn’t an idiot, but I was fearless. This was my happy place, my zone. I cleared my mind and let my body take over. It was the only way to focus. If I let my brain in, it wouldn’t be Andy I worried about. It would be Luca.

He loved me.

Me.

Wow.

He said he knew I was afraid and of course, he’d guessed every damn reason I had for not letting anyone in. I couldn’t blame Hannah or any previous girlfriend. I couldn’t claim that I was nervous to come out. I wasn’t nervous at all. I was just my own worst enemy.