Because of You (Because of You 1)

"No, I assure you, it isn't. Women always think it's different, Nicole, but it never is."

"Not this time!" I said. "When he first found out...yes, he went back to her, but that was because he was confused. He didn't know what to do, he had to take responsibility. He doesn't care about her," I insisted.

"Déjà fucking vu," he said, rolling his eyes.

That irritated the hell out of me, because I knew what he had to be thinking. "Alex, it isn't like that. He isn't Mike. You don't understand. He came back to me, not the other way around."

"I can't believe this," he said, shaking his head. "I can't believe you're doing this."

I felt indescribably desperate to get him to understand, to prove that our situation was different. "He cares about me. I know he does. I can feel it. And we've both acknowledged that this is going to be harder, but we're both determined to make this work. He isn't going to go back to her, now—"

"Yeah, sure he isn't," he said sarcastically. "He's never going to hurt you again, right? Now that he's screwed up big time, he's going to be the perfect boyfriend and you two will live happily ever after in a little cottage with singing birds to help you do the household chores. While you're at it, you and the ex-girlfriend will overcome your differences, she’ll see this was for the best, that Derek belongs with you, she'll happily find someone else and you two can be pals. You'll all live happily ever after."

I glared. "I don't appreciate your sarcasm."

"Well, I don't appreciate your stupidity," he returned.

"I'm not stupid," I told him. "I've thought this through—"

"No, Nicole, you haven't. You cannot possibly grasp what it's going to be like. Right now that baby isn't real to him, but when it's born..." He shook his head. "I cannot believe that after everything your mother went through—I thought you were smarter and stronger than Jamie was."

"I am!"

"Obviously not," he said tiredly, "since now I have to watch you do to yourself exactly what she did to herself."

I shook my head, feeling a little angry, a little sad, but mostly tired. "You're wrong."

He gave a sarcastic guffaw and nodded, smirking at the wall. "Yeah, clearly. It's not like I was there or anything, so clearly you know what you're talking about."

"You weren't here when it was all happening, Alex," I said a bit resentfully, annoyed that he wanted to pretend he knew everything.

"No, Nicole, I wasn't. However, I was the only person that your mother actually cried to about him. She told me everything. We talked for hours one night, she told me everything he said, everything he did, every reason she held on, when she fell in love with him, why she fell in love with him. And you know what, Nicole? I heard it all then, and you're saying exactly what she said. He's different, is he, Nicole? Then why did he knock up his ex? He's not different. One night he's giving you bedroom eyes and making you think you've got him, but the next he’s fucking her. He's not different, Nicole, he's just a normal guy, just like Mike, just like me... he isn't special. You say he doesn't care about her? 'It's not about Sarah, it's about the baby,'" he said heavily. "Mike said it to her and she said it to me, and you know what, Nicole, it was a load of bullshit. Even if it's true, even if he doesn't care about her, that doesn't matter anymore. If you were smart, you'd walk away right now."

"I can't!" I blurted.

For the first time, I thought I saw disappointment in his eyes, and I had to look away.

Alex stood up. "I guess I just thought you were stronger than that," he said, walking over to the table and slipping on his coat, feeling the pocket for the keys and picking up his cigarettes, depositing them into his other pocket.

"I didn't mean to fall in love with him," I admitted, my eyes burning a little. "I didn't want to."

"Neither did she. I had to watch her pain. Don't make me watch yours, too," he said, opening the trailer door and preparing to step out.

"This really is different, Alex," I said one last time, although I was out of gusto, so my voice lacked any emotion.

He paused briefly, glancing at me over his shoulder. "I hope you're right."

With that, he walked out and shut the door behind him, leaving me as he had found me, all by myself to watch the world's worst horror movie.

Later that night I tried to call Derek, wanting him to make me feel a little better about everything. Unfortunately I got his voice mail both times, so I gave up and went to bed.

Another dream of my mother might've been nice after my fight with Alex, but instead of my mother I dreamed of the bleachers on the football field, of Derek sitting on the bleachers next to Kayla. They were engaged, as her family had been pressuring him, but he promised me that even though he was marrying Kayla, he cared about me and he wouldn't even kiss her. Of course then Kayla whined and pressured him, and he did kiss her.

I made myself wake up at that point, and even though I realized it was only 4:40 and I didn't need to be up yet, I couldn't go back to sleep.

Alex had not bothered to come home, I realized as I made my way to the computer to work on some more scholarship stuff.

I decided to blow it off, because I didn't want to think about anything he said, and I knew from experience that if I pretended it never happened, he probably would.