Voyeur

“That sounds like a good opportunity just to get your name on his radar.”

“It is.”

I almost opened my mouth again to explain to him I was interviewing for the internship today, but I didn’t. A part of me wanted to share my nerves, share my excitement, but then I’d have to face the disappointment with him too, and I didn’t want to admit failure to any more people than I had to.

Besides, we could celebrate together when I surprised him with hopefully good news.

“What about after? Another dinner?”

Rolling my lips between my teeth, I tried to think of anything other than the truth, but while I didn’t mind not telling him things, I wasn’t going to outright lie.

“I can’t. I have to work tonight.”

It was as if I could feel his body shut down. His hold on me loosened and he rolled to his back to look at the ceiling. I hated it and a part of me wanted to apologize and say I’d call off, but I couldn’t do that forever. It was a fact of who I was and something we just had to deal with. No amount of apologizing would make it any easier or better. So, instead, we both did one better and just ignored it. He denied and hid his frustration and I denied and hid the way I noticed it.

“Okay,” he said, his voice flat and missing the excitement from before. “Tomorrow. After school.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. I tried to build up the excitement, but there was no getting it back. I looked over his profile, taking in the muscle clenching at his jaw, and I wanted to do anything to make him feel better.

I love you almost spilled from my lips, I had to actually bite my tongue to make it stop. But I had to, because that was not the reason I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. I didn’t want to tell him to make him feel better in the moment, or to let him know I would never want anyone other than him. I wanted to tell him when the feeling consumed us both. When the love became too much, not the frustration.

Instead, I rolled over him and put all of my unsaid words in a kiss. He kissed me back just as hard as though he had his own truths to share.

We made out until I had to leave, and even then, he kissed me every chance he got until the door shut behind me, and I headed home to get ready for my interview.

The interview had gone amazing. I’d walked around the few athletes working out and listened to Dr. Jones explain what my job would entail. He showed me the room where I would mostly be assisting the other team PTs, but said I’d also eventually be out helping athletes with their exercises in the weight room. All of it felt so exciting. Like it was a huge step toward the future.

He asked me about my experience, which was minimal, and about the classes I’d taken in high school. When he’d given me a pop quiz over some basic anatomy and typical injuries that occurred with each part, I’d answered almost all with flying colors. He’d turned to Dr. Denly and mumbled a “not bad.” I’d had to look down to hide my smile. With a few book recommendations he’d asked I read over the last two and half months of the semester, I left the gym seeing the light at the end of the tunnel shining brighter than ever before.

I’d driven straight to Voyeur in hopes of maybe starting early and seeing if I could get Charlotte to let me work the bar extra hours again. It ended up being my lucky day because apparently, Charlotte had called in sick and Daniel was behind the bar looking frazzled by the crowd.

I’d taken over and made sure to be extra friendly with each customer I served, milking as much of a tip out of them as possible. It had been hard enough to perform when I’d begun any type of physical relationship with Cal, but now that we’d slept together, now that my emotions were barely being contained inside of me, it was impossible to even consider it.

I just had to hope the extra tips would be enough to cover the next payment I had to make for tuition next week.

29

Callum

I hadn’t called her the next day, and I’d been evasive in my text messages.

I hadn’t seen her either. In fact, I called in sick.

I wasn’t sick.

I was hungover.

After she’d left, I’d begun drinking at lunch, just sitting around imagining her at Voyeur. What she was doing. Who she was with. Who was watching her. I’d stayed in my empty home and drank one glass after another, feeling my control quickly evaporating. It’d been years since I’d let myself slip into a loss of control, since I’d let my anger determine my actions. I’d fought hard to gain it and there I was letting it eat me alive.