Voyeur

“Oaklyn.”

“No.” She faced me with hard eyes. “You’re not paying for anything.”

“But you’ll let some stranger pay for your schooling by watching you have sex, but not me?”

Oaklyn’s head jerked back like I’d physically hit her, her jaw dropped in shock. “Am I a prostitute to you? Do you want to pay me for sex?”

“No,” I growled, angry that she’d taken it that way. “I just can’t stand other people doing it.”

“I don’t fuck for money!” she shouted. “And I sure as shit don’t want your money because we do fuck.”

“Real big difference there,” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm. And even my own insides curled in disgust at my words. What the fuck was I doing—saying? Closing my eyes, I shook my head and realized I was toeing the far side of the line, one leg already hanging off the cliff. My fear of losing it and hurting her was taking place and I hadn’t done anything to stop it.

It was like seeing how close to the edge I was knocked me back a few steps, like it firmly planted both feet down on the safe side of losing control and I tried to recover. I tried to fix it, but when I opened my eyes to look at her, her face was painted with pain and hurt that I’d put there.

“Please, Oaklyn,” I begged even though I felt like I’d already lost the battle. “I know you’re strong and prideful. I know you can do this on your own, but you don’t have to. Let me help.”

With her chin quivering, she shook her head. “I can’t.”

The anger bubbled, but low enough that I was aware of it and how easy it was to flow over. But still enough that it reminded me of the damage I could do, and it hit me. Like a sledgehammer to the chest, it hit me.

“I can’t either.”

Her chin dropped in shock, her eyes wide and blinking quickly, trying to change the picture before her. I had to clench my jaw when tears glazed over her eyes and pooled on her bottom lids before falling, leaving silvery tracks down her cheeks I yearned to wipe away.

“Callum—” Her words cut off on a choked whisper.

She was beautiful, and I kept flashing back to the way my question had made her feel ashamed and embarrassed. I kept flashing back to the hurt on her face when I insulted her, reducing her to a prostitute. Remembering how easy the anger won and changed the way she looked at me. I couldn’t do it to her.

“Oakl—” Her name got caught in my throat and I had to clear it and try again. “Oaklyn, you mean the world to me. You’ve given me the vision of a future I never thought I’d ever have, that I didn’t think I was worthy of. You’re so young, so full of life, and I was lucky enough to have you share that with me. When I look at you, my world feels more right, I feel more at peace than I have in years. When I look at you and see the way you watch me, I feel like someone else. Someone normal who will have a normal future. I feel good when you look at me.” Slicking my tongue across my dry lips, I struggled to get the truth out. “And if we continue on this path, that will disappear.”

She shook her head, not understanding. How did I admit how far I’d fallen? Swallowing hard, I ran my hand through my hair, staring at the floor.

“My insecurity with you working here—my jealousy is taking its toll on me. I’ve been . . . Drinking more. A lot actually. I know you’ve seen some, but it’s so much more than that. I can feel my patience slipping faster, the control I’ve worked so hard to gain is just slipping between my fingers like sand, and I’m barely hanging on.” I threw my arms wide, presenting the night to her. “I mean, fuck. Look at what just happened. Look at what I said to you. I can’t keep doing this just to destroy you. I know it’s not forever, but I can’t wait and destroy us in the process. What would we both look like by the end? Pieces of who we started as?”

“Callum, we can do this. We can make it work. I promise, we will find a way,” she pleaded with me, stepping up to wrap her hands around mine. The soft heat of her skin shocked mine, traveling up my arms, trying to make my heart beat, but it felt hollow, like it was lying there useless, dying. Her eyes shone brighter from the tears, sparking my own. The lump that had been lodged in my throat broke free and wetness slid from my eyes. My nose itched, and I hated that I couldn’t be stronger. That I couldn’t just control my emotions.