Voyeur

A laugh sputtered from between my pinched lips. Of all the things I expected to happen when I showed up, I hadn’t expected to laugh.

“And you’ve been holding out the deets. How dare you. Now, that, I will give you shit over. When you’re boning one of the hottest teachers on campus, you tell your best friend.”

A barely there laugh escaped. “It’s not exactly a relationship status you can post on Facebook.”

“True,” she said, nodding. “But wait, what happened? Why are you here crying?”

“We broke up.”

“Sweetie,” she said, pulling me into her arms. “I’m so sorry.”

Burying my head in her shoulder, I got the rest of it off my chest. “He knew I worked at Voyeur.”

Her rubbing hands stopped on my back. “How?”

“He, uh . . . he went there.” Olivia gasped and tried to pull back, but I held her close, not ready to face her yet. “You can’t tell anyone. I’m breaking the NDA even talking about it.”

“I would never.” Her stroking hands continued again, and I pushed on.

“He couldn’t handle it. He was jealous and tried to hide it, but it became too much. Eventually, he offered to pay for the rest of my school, so I could quit Voyeur, and I just couldn’t.” I pulled back from her shoulder and waved my hands animatedly. Mad all over again over the situation. “He said, that I was being stubborn for not letting him pay. That he already paid for my time, so why not just let him pay for my school and eliminate the issue of Voyeur all together.”

“Well, why not?”

My eyes shot to hers, completely unprepared for her response. She, more than anyone, should know why I wouldn’t take money from someone. “What?”

“I mean, it’s not a loan, so it’s not like you’d have to pay it back. It’s like he’s paying for your time up-front.”

“So, I can be his whore. He’d be paying me to perform just for him.”

“You wouldn’t be his whore, Oaklyn,” she said exasperated. “And I mean, it’s not like you don’t perform for him anyway. With him paying for school you could continue to perform just for him,” she suggested, her eyebrows bobbing, “and not have the weight of Voyeur hanging over your heads. I honestly don’t see how it could go wrong. You’re tired all the time from working your ass off, I’d get to see you more, you’d be less stressed trying to find time to study. All of these sound like pros.”

I didn’t even know what to say. My jaw hung open, and I blinked over and over, trying to replace the situation. How could Olivia take his side? “You know why I can’t take money from people. Money ruins relationships.”

“Listen, Oaklyn. You know I love you and that’s why I’m going to be honest with you. You say having him pay for your school would ruin your relationship,” she hesitated, looking concerned for how I was taking her honesty. “But it seems like it’s ruined anyways.”

My mouth opened and closed like a fish, unable to form words.

“Olivia, I—” I didn’t know what to say. It felt wrong. “I can’t let my professor pay for my schooling.”

“But it wouldn’t be your professor paying for school. It would be your boyfriend taking care of his girlfriend.”

“It’s not the same,” I fought.

“It is.”

“It doesn’t feel the same.”

She looked at me with sad eyes. Pitying me.

And I hated admitting it, but putting myself in her shoes, I’d look the same damn way at me. I was being stubborn. I had one thought and I couldn’t see past it. I was so determined to make it on my own, that I’d shot myself in the foot to get there.

“Olivia, I fucked up,” I said, repeating the same words when she opened the door, and began crying all over again.

She held me in her arms, rocking me back and forth, telling me it would be okay. Telling me I’d find a way to fix it.

“How? How do I go back to him after hurting him so much? How do I fix this? What if his offer doesn’t stand? What if he doesn’t want me anymore?”

“Oaklyn,” she breathed a laugh. “I highly doubt he put his career on the line to be with you to change his mind so quickly.”

“But I hurt him.” And he’d been hurt so much before. It made me sick to think I added to it.

“If you make it work, I’m sure you will again. And again. I’m sure he’ll hurt you at some point. People tend to call that a working, loving relationship,” she said, nodding her head sagely.

Somehow, she made me laugh again. Not much, but it was better than the ache I’d walked in with.

“But, dude,” she said excitedly, shaking my shoulders. “You got the fucking internship.”

“Yeah. I guess I did,” I agreed with a small smile.