Unintended

“She’s asleep. Oscar’s just had lunch so there’s a chance he might nap in a bit.”

I smiled as I looked back at him, where he was ly

ing on the sofa. “I think there’s a very good chance of that.” But then my mind went back to what I’d just seen and my smile faded. “It can’t have been her, can it?” I said the words knowing for sure it was her. I couldn’t get my head around it. “Why would he… why?”

Keely shrugged as she flicked the kettle on and I sat down at the table. “I can’t think of any good reason for it. He’s been doing so much better over the last few weeks.”

“I know.”

Was this my fault? Did me sending those photos cross such a huge line that he felt like I didn’t get him anymore? But even if it did, how would that have led to him letting Natalie into his flat? The two things were completely unrelated. Keely was right; he hadn’t mentioned her in a long time, so why would he suddenly be talking to her now?

“What are you thinking?” Keely asked, and I launched into the whole story of what had happened at the weekend, starting with Ash coming over before I went to see Jay, then the photos, and what I’d done with them. By the time I was finished, Keely was as confused as me.

“I don’t get it,” she said, sipping at her cup of tea. “You did a good thing. It doesn’t sound like him not to call you to thank you. Something must have happened yesterday that we don’t know about.”

“But what? I can’t think of anything that would have made him want to see her.”

Perhaps I had misinterpreted everything. The times I thought we were getting closer, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’d read too much into him touching my hand or my arm more often, and him checking up on me. Maybe he was only doing that because I was pregnant, and he was being a good friend.

It wasn’t exactly like me to think a guy was into me, so when I did think it, it felt like it had to be real. Plus, Keely and Nick, and even Jay to an extent had thought the same as me.

Could we all have got it so wrong?

“Why didn’t you just give him the photos yourself?” Keely asked, and I groaned, leaning my head down on the table to hide.

“A couple of reasons,” I mumbled. “I kinda thought it would be cute. And more of a surprise this way. He seemed so down, I just wanted to do something nice for him.” I looked up. “But also… I was thinking about talking to him about how I feel and I needed some kind of starting point. I figured the reasons for doing what I did would be a good place.”

Her eyes widened and a smile started to form on her face.

“Don’t get too excited.” I held my hand up. “I’m still not sure it’s the right thing to do. That was another one of the reasons I left the box and didn’t hand it to him. I still don’t know what to say to him, because there are so many reasons starting something with him is a terrible idea. I hoped by the time we spoke again, I’d know what to say, but I don’t. We’ve both had to deal with a lot, and maybe it’s not the right time to be…”

“Evie,” Keely interrupted, grabbing my arm to make me pay attention. “Just for once, will you stop overthinking every single thing? Yeah, things are complicated. But, guess what? Life is complicated and there will always be something. Some reason not to go for what you want. And, yes, being pregnant right now is not ideal, but Ash doesn’t seem to mind. You need to call him, Evie. Ask him about what you saw. That’s the only way to know for sure. And then you can figure out where to go from there.”

“I’m not sure I want to know,” I said, holding onto my cup and drawing in its warmth. It wasn’t a particularly cold day, but my hands felt icy, a chill settling into me from the inside out.

He was supposed to be over Natalie. He was stronger. He’d told me a few times how he felt like he owed her something, like maybe he could have been better and then she wouldn’t have done what she did to him, but that was right back at the start. After he came out of hospital and only very occasionally since then, but he’d always been clear that no matter how often he felt that way, he would never go back.

He didn’t want to go back.

“You have to,” Keely said. “Because something is not right here.”

Keely seemed set on thinking Ash wasn’t going back, that there was some easy explanation for why Natalie was at his flat. All I could think about was that this was down to me somehow.

Maybe I should have spoken up sooner. Maybe I should have let him know that night we spoke on the phone that I needed to see him.

Because right then, the very real prospect that I’d lost him to her was terrifying.

The knock on my door startled me, just as it had the day before. Again, I wasn’t expecting anyone, but I got up, kind of hoping it was Evie.

I hadn’t called her after I got back from Natalie’s. On a normal day, I would have. I’d wanted to. To tell her what I did, that I went there on my own and faced her. Told her I didn’t want to see or hear from her again. But when I got home, I was so tired from not sleeping much the couple of nights before, I fell asleep on the sofa, phone in hand, ready to text Evie to see if she was free to talk. However, I was definitely going to tell her everything once she’d finished work; a quick call before I had to go to work would do it, if she wasn’t standing on my doorstep right then.

She wasn’t.

“What the fuck, Nat?”

Natalie stood on my doorstep, her hair neatly straightened, full make-up on, wearing a pair of tight jeans and a black cropped top that, once, I would have found hot as hell.

I didn’t find it hot at all now.