If I Let You Go

“Not really. She’s barely said a word apart from to tell me how much she hates me. I tried. I tried to explain why we have to go, and that she’ll make new friends when we get there but I don’t think I’m saying it right. She’s not listening.”

“She’s listening, she just doesn’t like what she hears. You can’t expect her to understand about your job, Dom. All she sees is that you’re taking her away from here.”

“How else can I explain it to her? I have to go. I’m doing it for her.”

Apparently it wasn’t only Tilly who had a hard time hearing. But I’d already made my point clear on why they didn’t have to leave. The only person who stood to benefit was Dominic, in the form of a pay rise he thought he needed.

“Did you have a good night?” Dominic asked, swiftly changing the subject.

“Quiet. Neil came over to Erica’s and we had a takeaway and watched a film.”

He raised an eyebrow at the mention of Neil, and I said, “He didn’t stay.”

“None of my business.”

It really wasn’t his business, but he knew of my “arrangement” with Neil and I didn’t want him to think … well, it just seemed important to me to be clear that nothing happened.

“Maddi-”

“Stop,” I interrupted. “How many times do I have to tell you? It’s been years, Dominic.”

For a second he looked blank, but then he gave me a small grin. “Sorry. But you let Tilly call you Maddi.”

“She’s cuter than you.”

My attempt to sidestep an awkward conversation about Friday night was scuppered at the mention of his “cuteness,” and I felt my cheeks warming

“I think I’ll go and check on Tilly,” I said, hoping to get away without him saying anything.

“Wait. I want to ask you something.”

I stopped, hoping with everything I had that he wasn’t going to mention the dreaded topic.

“You know I’ll be in France this week,” he began, “but after that, I’m home for a week. With Tilly being off school, I thought I might take her down to Devon for a few days to see my mum and everyone. Let them spend some time together before-” he trailed off, and I hated how I couldn’t stomach even the thought of them moving away.

“Anyway,” he went on, “If you haven’t made any plans, I wondered if you wanted to come with us. You don’t have to be with us while we’re there, unless you want to, but I thought you might like to see your family and friends. You’re more than welcome to ride down with us.”

I hadn’t been home since Christmas. Staying with my parents was preferable to sitting around the flat doing nothing.

But, if you stay here, there’s always the option of having Neil over.

It would feel kind of naughty to have him over while Dominic and Tilly were away, like breaking the rules or something. Not that there were rules preventing Neil staying over, I just preferred to keep my work and social life apart.

But Dominic’s suggestion sounded more appealing. A change of scenery was definitely called for, and it wouldn’t hurt to look around and see if there were any jobs there. Maybe being closer to my family would make everything hurt less.

Chapter 5

The twenty-four hours before Dominic had to leave for France weren’t as difficult as I’d expected. After his offer to take me to Devon, some of the awkwardness fell away. We had something different to focus on, and planning fun day trips for Tilly on the south coast forced us to put our argument to one side and work together for her.

Tilly, on the other hand, had taken to holing herself in her room. She refused to talk to Dominic, and every time she was with me, she cried and begged me to make Dominic change his mind about moving to America. The last time she’d been so upset was when she first started school. Her shyness made it hard for her to make friends, and she was bullied by some of the older kids because she spent a lot of time alone. Dominic and I made sure the school put a stop to it immediately, but it took months before Tilly felt relaxed.

This was a whole different situation, though. One I couldn’t fix. I could bandage her knee after she fell down, I could scare away the monsters in her nightmares. I could even defeat the school bullies, but this? This was way out of my control.

Wednesday was the first day of the summer holidays, and I’d promised Tilly the trip to the zoo she’d missed out on over the weekend. She even perked up a bit on Tuesday night when we discussed all the animals we especially wanted to see, and she’d gone to bed in a good mood. When the morning came, though, she refused to get up. Instead, she curled up into a ball and threw the covers over her head.

“I thought you wanted to see the meerkats,” I said, trying to find the end of the duvet so I could un-tuck her.

“I want to stay at home,” came her muffled response.