Forever Right Now

ever tried anything; was willing to wait until I got older. We were both new to actually living as ourselves. We weren’t in a hurry to experience everything all at once. We just wanted to be together.”

“What happened?” I asked softly.

“My parents freaked out. They told Travis if he came near me they’d have him arrested for statutory rape, even though we hadn’t come close to actual sex. But it scared him. His first relationship with a guy and he’s being threatened with jail. He broke it off with me and I was devastated.”

Max wrenched himself from his story to look at me.

“I don’t know if I should be telling you this.”

“Why not?” I asked. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

His smile flickered over his lips. “Yeah, we are.” He took a sip of root beer, wiped his mouth on a napkin. “Not much left to tell, actually. My parents’ concern about me being ‘violated’ by Travis was utter bullshit. They just wanted to punish him. And me.” He managed a grin. “My parents were trapped in another era. This era,” he said, indicating the restaurant. “You walked into their bedroom half-expecting to find twin beds, instead of one.”

I smiled for him, while inside I braced myself for something terrible.

“They forced me to break up with Travis, and then kicked me out of the house anyway.”

My eyes widened. “You were sixteen?”

He nodded. “I had no job, no place to live and a shit-ton of anger.” He lowered his voice, toyed with his straw. “I hooked up with some other homeless guys and they got me into selling drugs. Selling quickly became doing. I felt like I was carving up my soul into little pieces. I got caught a bunch of times, went to juvie a bunch of times. It’s so movie-of-the-week.”

“How did you survive?”

“I don’t know, to be honest. I hitchhiked down here and fell in with a new set of bad guys. They sold more than drugs and convinced me I could make a lot of money if I did the same.”

“You mean… prostitution?”

He nodded. “That’s drugs for you. They make you think fucking terrible ideas are really good ideas.”

“Or even better, not think at all.”

Max lifted his soda in mock toast. “Anyway, I was seventeen, and got busted one night. The cop was a good guy. Instead of taking me to the station, he took me home, let me crash on his couch. I thought he was a perv with ulterior motives but I was too high to care.”

“But he wasn’t a perv,” I said.

“No. He got me cleaned up, got me in the program, helped me get my GED, then nursing school after that. All of it. I’d be dead without him.” He shook his head, his blue eyes cloudy with heavy storms of memory. “It’s funny how someone can be a better dad to you than the one who shares your blood.”

“Where is he now?” I asked.

“He died a couple years back,” Max said. “Myocardial infarction.”

“A what?”

“Heart attack.” He smiled a little. “Sorry, I take refuge in medical terminology. Easier to take sometimes.”

“I’m so sorry. But I’ll bet he was really proud of you,” I said with a gentle smile. “Is that why the shitty day? Were you missing him?”

Max shrugged. “No, no reason. It just happens sometimes, doesn’t it? Like the weight of your personal pain is hiding in your psyche, and something will trigger it to jump with claws out.”

“What triggered yours?”

“A lamppost,” Max said with a rueful smile. “This morning on the way to work, my bus broke down. I got off to walk the rest of the way, and took a street I hadn’t been on in a long time. And there’s a lamppost there, papered up in flyers and graffiti. When I first came to SF, that was the street where I sold myself for the first time. That night was black, except for under that light, and I held on to that lamppost so tight. I can still feel the rough cement under my palm. The first car pulled up. The window rolled down, and I remembered thinking, Don’t let go of this lamppost. If you hold on, you’ll be safe.”

I nodded, a lump thick in my throat. “I know how that feels.”

“But I let go and I got in the car,” Max said. He twisted his soda around and around, leaving wet rings on the table. “This morning, I saw that lamppost and the rest of my day’s been half here, half in the past.” He smiled faintly. “Seeing you so happy did not suck.”

I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “I planned it that way.”