Forever Right Now
Everything is going to be okay…
I nodded. “I got finished early.”
Elena’s mouth turned down in concern. “Come in. I’ll just get her bag.”
I stepped inside Elena’s place. Olivia was on the floor in the living room with Laura, Elena’s two-year-old, playing blocks. Olivia looked up and her little face broke into a smile.
“Daddy!”
Oh Christ…
My chest constricted and goddamn tears stung my eyes. With trembling arms, I picked her up and held her tightly, my hand behind her little head. Her arms went around my neck. I closed my eyes and fought to contain the maelstrom of emotions, to push them down, lock them up. If there was a battle to be fought, I needed to be strong.
Elena’s hand on my arm and her voice gentle. “Sawyer.”
I sucked in deep breaths, still holding Olivia tight to me. When my exhales were no longer shaky and I opened my eyes.
“Thanks for watching her,” I said, shouldering the bag Elena handed me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye-bye,” Olivia said to Elena. “Bye bye bye bye…”
I took Olivia upstairs on leaden legs.
In my place, the Abbotts were seated at the small kitchen table with Jackson, glasses of water before them. Mr. Holloway was standing with his hands clasped behind his back in front of the wall near my desk, eyeing my degree from UCSF with Honors; my Valedictorian certificate; my award for a full scholarship at Hastings that had been like winning the lottery.
He turned and all conversations ceased as I stepped inside and set my daughter down at my feet.
“This is Olivia.”
Alice’s hand flew to her heart, and Gerald’s jaw clenched as if fighting back some strong emotion.
“Oh my heavens, she’s beautiful.” Alice rose slowly and approached Olivia who stood clinging to my pant leg. “Hi, sweetheart. I’m your Grandma Alice.”
“Hey, there, angel,” Gerald said gruffly, joining his wife. “I’m your Grandpa Gerry.”
My own jaw tightened. I want this for her. I felt like I was in a dream and I didn’t know if it was going to turn out to be everything I wanted or a nightmare.
Olivia pressed herself closer to my pants.
“She likes blocks,” I said, indicating the pile on the floor. “Can’t get enough of them.”
Alice clapped her hands on her thighs. “Would you like to show us your blocks, Olivia?”
Alice and Gerald sat down on the floor with no aching or complaining about joints or bad knees. They were fit, strong, good people, with a lot of money, and their DNA in Olivia’s veins. My little girl babbled in a baby talk/English hybrid, and plopped down beside them.
I moved to the kitchen for a glass of water and Jackson joined me.
“Not so bad, right?” he said in a low voice.
I poured a tall glass with a shaking hand. “I’m going to puke.”
Jackson chuckled. “Be cool. I have a good feeling about this.”
Jackson and I joined the others in the living room, sitting on my small couch while Holloway took the chair. The Abbotts stayed on the floor with Livvie, playing and chatting and making her smile.
“She looks just like Molly, doesn’t she?” Alice said, and her smile wavered. I reached for the tissue box beside me and handed it over. “I’m sorry,” she said, dabbing her eyes. “It’s still so new, losing her.”
“What happened?” I asked in a low voice.