Forever Right Now

Max whipped his head around and the action prompted Sawyer to stride up to us, eyes forward, his face unreadable. Blank. And that worried me more than anything else.

“Hey, man,” Max said, offering his hand. “Max Kaufman. Good to meet you.”

Sawyer stopped in the door. He stared down at Max’s offered hand, then met my eye for one blood-curdling second before pushing past us into his apartment.

“He had a very important hearing,” I whispered. “I don’t think it went well. God, I’m so scared for him.”

“I hate that I have to leave you like this,” Max said. “I’ll call you when I land.”

He kissed my cheek and I watched him until he was down the stairs and out of sight. I suddenly felt like a tightrope walker strung up between two high-rises.

And my safety net just left to get on a plane to Seattle.

Inside Sawyer’s place, he was shaking off his suit coat that was smattered with rain. He tossed it on the back of his chair, then loosened his tie.

“Where is Olivia?” he asked. No, demanded.

“Sleeping. She’s fine. She’s…sleeping.”

“You can’t just bring strangers into my place. With my kid. You know that, right?”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I said. “He didn’t come in, I promise. He’s—”

“He’s what?” Sawyer asked. “Your drug dealer?”

The blood drained from my head, leaving me dizzy. I reeled. “My…what?” I breathed.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Sawyer demanded.

“Tell you…?”

“About your criminal record?”

There they were, those three words in all their ugly glory. My criminal record. But how was it coming up now?

“Yes, I was going to tell you,” I said, my voice weak and watery. “I wanted to, so many times but I was scared. But how…how did you find out?”

“I found out at the preliminary custody hearing for my child,” Sawyer spat. “The Abbotts investigated this entire fucking building. Now, in the eyes of that judge, I’m the kind of guy who leaves his kid either with unlicensed childcare all day or drug addicts.”

I stiffened all over. “I’m not a drug addict,” I said, my voice quavering. “Not anymore. I’m recovering. I don’t even drink. Max isn’t a drug dealer, for God’s sake. He was my NA sponsor. That means—”

“I know what it means,” Sawyer said. “I just have no fucking clue what I should think about it. Jesus, Darlene.”

He shook his head and the stony exterior started to shatter; I could feel the tension radiating off of him as he tried to hold himself together.

“Did you lose her?” I asked, my voice hardly a whisper. “Because of me?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over.” He shook his head, then planted one hand on the wall as if it were the only thing keeping him standing. “It’s all over.”

And I knew he meant me, too. Whatever we had had, it was gone now. I’d tried, once again, to hold on by not telling him, and it all was wrenched out of my fingers.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “For so much. For everything.”

Sawyer raised his eyes to mine and for a split second the hard, stony exterior cracked and the pain flooded out. He opened his mouth to speak, and at that moment, lightning flashed and a booming thunder followed after. Rain lashed the windows in a sudden deluge, as if the sky had cracked open.

The sound woke up Olivia; the baby monitor chirped with her fussing. Neither of us moved and that ugly feeling of wanting to escape everything I was and all I had done came over me. I hurried to Olivia’s room.

She was standing in her crib, and her sleepy little face broke into a smile to see me.