Chasing Us (Dark Love 2)

With Coco nestled on my lap purring as I stroke behind her ear, I’m certain she senses a life forming inside of me. Her head is nestled into my stomach, her body pressing gently as if to protect my unborn child.

We sit for what feels like hours until the repetition of the moment I pushed him away becomes too much for my mind to process alone. With a desperate need to drown out the voices and seek external help, I dial his number, each ring fueling my desperation.

Just as I’m about to give up, on the verge of tears I had tried my hardest to hold back, he answers my call. The familiarity of his voice calms me, and with only a few words spoken, enough to express my desolation, he gives me a time and place to meet him.

I don’t sleep that night waiting for tomorrow. Tossing and turning, my dreams are plagued with nightmares, and after my third jolt of waking up in screams, I shower, dress, and sit on the couch willing the time to pass.

The coffee shop is a short cab ride away. In a more secluded part of the shop, I sit quietly wringing my hands until he arrives. Sitting down, he motions for the waiter to bring him an espresso as I order a decaf. I hate decaf.

Across from me, he watches with a pitiful gaze. I know by reaching out to him, I’m once again forever in his debt for what he has done for me. He smiles as he takes a sip of his espresso, his self-composure always confident, and a small part of me is intimidated by how much power this man has over me.

How decisions he chose affected my life—for the good or for the bad, the jury is still out on that one.

“Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

“Charlie, I know enough to know why you called me.”

With my hands shaking, I remain silent choking back the sob. He places his hand over mine, a gesture of comfort, of ease as I stare into his eyes.

Does he know what I’ve done?

Does he know the mistake I made?

“I don’t want to go back there… I don’t want to go back to that place.”

My chest begins to heave, and my breathing becomes difficult as the room becomes stifling hot. Knowing I’m on the verge of a panic attack, he rubs the top of my hand and demands I take deep breaths.

“You don’t have to,” he assures me, squeezing my hand tight. “You can make the decisions here. This isn’t about fate, Charlie. This is about you understanding that life will deal you a card, and sometimes it’s of the lowest kind, and it forces you to make the best of a situation. You’re already better than you were by knowing you needed to call me. You’ve proven what you can accomplish, what you can get through if you believe in yourself and accept what is. Now you’re faced with a crossroads, so what road do you take? Do you take the easy route and run and hide as fast as possible, or do you take the long winding road? In the end, the possibilities are endless.”

Just like that, he places the ultimatum in front of me.

This is my decision, but I know I have already thrown fuel into the fire, and although I’m living this nightmare, Lex’s nightmare is ten times worse. The pain I forced on him is of pure hatred, and why would I do that to the one person I love more than life itself?

“I’ve said things… things to hurt him.”

“But you still love him?”

“I never stopped,” I whisper, bowing my head.

“Charlie,” he says softly. “Choose your destiny and never let go of that. One day this conversation will be history.”

“How do you know that will happen?”

“Because if you really want something, I mean like really want it, you can have it. You just need to find the willpower and strength. Look at the end picture and stop focusing on the pain you’re feeling right now.”

I manage a small smile, knowing he’s right. I’ve done this before, resurrected myself when I thought it was the end. And I’d made promises to my grandmother, to him—the promise to live my life to the fullest.

“I can’t thank you enough, Dr. Edwards, you know… for what you’ve done for me. I mean, my life… you know… I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

“It wasn’t me, Charlie. I have my faults, too.” He lowers his head, toying with the wedding band on his finger. “You reached out and needed my hand to lead the way, but the walk, the journey, you did that all by yourself. Thank yourself, Charlie, not me.”

Leaning over, careful not to spill our beverages, I hug him tightly. Despite what he just said, my gratitude toward him can’t be ignored. Everything I am today I owe to him. The only way I can repay him is to move forward, find a better place, be that better person. I’ve been given a second chance, and now a third.

“Remember what I said…” he reminds me as I pull away, “… this is your choice, your decision, your destiny. You want something… then you go for it.”

> I nod, understanding what I need to do to fix this catastrophe I created. It’s going to be the biggest fight of my life, but if what he says is true, if I look at the end picture, I won’t go down without a fight, without placing every morsel of hope, every bout of faith, every ounce of trust in us.

“Have you spoken to him?” I ask, hesitating.